You know the drill. You feel you have to stay on them for every little thing or it won’t get accomplished. After all, they are only teenagers and can’t possibly manage on their own. Reality check—they better learn how to because once they leave the nest they will be expected to act like responsible adults (well, most of the time). Now we all know that’s a tall order for an 18 year old, but you have to let them spread their wings if you don’t want a 30+ year old living at home with you. What are you communicating to your teenager?

Let’s examine what you say, what you mean, and what your teenager hears:

What you say: I expect you to go to college.

What you mean: I want you to be able to compete in today’s job market by getting a good education and have some great college experiences.

What your teen hears: If you don’t go, I will be disappointed in you.

How do you fix this miscommunication? Ask them how they see their future. Talk to them about their interests and the courses they enjoy in high school. Let them tell you what they want and help them understand that in order to accomplish it they will need a good education. Assure them that whatever their decision, you will always love and support them.

What you say: Don’t you think you should spend some time studying for the SAT?

What you mean: You want them to be prepared for the test and not be disappointed by their scores, especially if it affects their college acceptances.

What your teen hears: You really don’t study enough and your score will sufffer.

Every high school student feels pressured to do well; not just from parents but from their peers. If you see they are struggling because they don’t understand or seem frustrated with the material, consider hiring a tutor. Tutors are surprisingly affordable and will take all the pressure off them and help you to relax about SAT prep.

What you say: Do you think you are spreading yourself too thin? 

What you mean: You know that if your child overcommits to things they will be stressed and overwhelmed, which will ultimately affect academics. You are concerned that fatigue will also be a factor as well.

What your teen hears: You are involved in too many activities and it’s going to hurt your studies.

Before the school year begins, discuss activities and schedules with your students. If you schedule time for academics, extracurriculars and entertainment,  along with some time for college prep, this conversation won’t happen nearly as often. And your child won’t feel overwhelmed and stressed.

What you say: It would be great if you would spend some time searching for scholarships.

What you mean: College is expensive and every extra dollar you can get will help pay tuition.

What your teen hears: You can’t go to college if you don’t win some scholarships.

Before you begin the college admissions process sit down with your student and discuss finances. Explain to them what you are willing to contribute to college financially and what you expect them to do as well. Once that discussion is out of the way your teen will understand your financial situation and also see that they are responsible to do their part.

What you say: I hardly see you anymore. It would be nice if you were home more often.

What you mean: I can’t believe you will be leaving soon and I’m already starting to miss you. We don’t have much time and I want to make the most of it.

What your teen hears: You spend too much time with your friends.

Make it a family rule for everyone to have dinner together. Schedule a family game night and make attendance mandatory. If necessary, schedule a father/daughter or mother/son date night, a girls night out, or a boys night out. Scheduling these times help to draw the family close and cement the relationships that you share with them.

Communication is key in the parent/teen relationship. Find time to talk, even if it’s in the car or over a quick snack or during dinner preparation. You will be surprised at the wealth of information you will learn when you’re not asking questions but listening. And sometimes, it’s more information than you care to hear (TMI)!