Siblings. The very word conjures up thoughts of rivalry. A house with siblings is a house with sibling rivalry. As with any family, competition among siblings begins at an early age. They compete over just about everything: toys, bedtimes, gifts, food, clothing, and the list goes on and on. It’s only natural that the rivalry would increase during the college prep time. But is the rivalry between the siblings of their doing or are you initiating the rivalry by comparing one child to another?

Consider this scenario from a college counselor:

I once worked with two brothers separated by four years. The older brother got into every school he applied to and turned down some of the top schools in the country. When it came to building the younger sibling’s ambitious but more modest college list, he was visibly upset when his father mentioned his brother’s accomplishments repeatedly. In one meeting, I counted the number of times the elder child was mentioned and eventually had to stop the parents when that count reached fifteen. In another situation, a parent said, in front of the child, we don’t want to pay for private school for this child because the younger daughter has more potential and they would rather save their money for her college education.

So here’s the question: are you comparing your children with each other when it comes to college prep? If you are—SNAP OUT OF IT! No two children are alike—emotionally, academically or socially. Expecting one to be like the other is fueling the flames of rivalry. If you are doing this, possibly unknowingly, how can you stop?

Be positive about their individuality

This is a major step in your child’s life, even if you’ve been through it before with the other siblings. Even though you will learn from experiences, it’s important to know that those experiences do not dictate the process with your other children. Focus on the individual process and treat each sibling as you did the first, making them feel special. Listen to them tell you what they want, where they want to go, and how they want to get there. Use experience but make it.

Praise success and celebrate acceptances

Don’t look back; look forward. Even if one sibling may not excel academically in comparison to another, praise all their individual successes. When the decisions arrive, be supportive and excited about all of them, even if some of the colleges don’t necessarily appeal to you. Being accepted to college is a major accomplishment, even if another sibling may have been accepted to colleges with more prestige. Recognize that every child has a specific path in life and each of them can be successful in the path they choose.

Don’t highlight differences, especially in front of others

As we saw in the story above, highlighting another child’s accomplishments or successes in front of others is hurtful to you child. He needs to feel that he is special and unique.

Case in point: my brother experienced this comparison all throughout school. He was two years behind me and struggled academically. I, conversely, was the model student. Teachers especially pointed out that fact to him. My parents, unknowingly, communicated that to him. Because of this, he failed at his first attempt at college. Later in life, after recognizing his strengths, he went on to receive his Ph.D. It was in the comparison that he felt failure.

It’s hard for teenagers to be constantly compared to others, especially when the competition lives in the same house. It’s your role as their parents to guide them to find their own individual talents and pursue their own path in life.

 Ready Wendy’s post: College-bound sibling rivalry is more than jealousy

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