With all the talk of helicopter parenting, over parenting, snowplow parenting and parents refusing to allow their students become independent adults, it’s important to understand how to coach your teenager without crossing the line.

A recent article in Business Insider quoted a study conducted by Florida State University focusing on some of the issues with today’s parenting:

Helicopter parents are “overly involved, protective parents who provide substantial support (e.g., financial, emotional, physical health advice) to their emerging adult children, often intervening in their affairs and making decisions for them.” 

“Individuals with parents who engage in highly controlling, overprotective behaviors have been characterized as being overly needy in terms of seeking attention, approval and direction from others,” the authors wrote in summarizing past research. “In addition, they have been found to utilize more ineffective coping skills, express higher levels of narcissism and demonstrate lower self-efficacy.”

In contrast…

“Developmentally appropriate parenting can promote healthy decision-making and a child’s development of autonomy, increasing the likelihood that their children will become independent, well-adjusted, problem-solving adults. They tend to cope better with stress, have more self-esteem and experience less depression.”

Knowing this…

What is a parent’s role during the college prep process?

How can you successfully coach your college bound student?  

I will give you 10 coaching steps to take for a positive college prep experience.

Step 1-Offer guidance and advice.

Parents are primarily coaches—coaching and directing their teenager during high school so that they will be prepared to apply to and eventually attend college. It’s natural to take this role in parenting and it works well in the area of college prep.

Your teenager may not always ask, but they will need advice during this stressful time. Listen to their concerns and offer guidance and advice. Listening is the key because teenagers don’t always communicate what they are feeling and don’t always ask for help.

The next thing parents need to do is…

Step 2-Establish boundaries.

Early during the college prep process, have a serious conversation with your student.

Because of the insurmountable number of tasks involved with college prep, your student will need your help. The key word here is, “help”. One admissions officer told me, “Let your student drive the car”. It won’t be easy to let your student take control of the process, but this is part of the training they will need to be successful in college.

Next, we will discuss exactly how you can help.

Step 3-Be an encourager and a helper.

Be an encourager by reminding your student of deadlines, from test registration to FAFSA and application submission. Encourage them to stay on top of every task and suggest creating a timeline for each task.

Parents can participate in just about every activity during college prep.

You can help with organization by establishing a college landing zone. A place where you and your student can keep track of all college-related information.

You can help with test prep—practicing vocabulary words, administering practice tests, and hiring a tutor if necessary. You can also help them create a study schedule to prepare for the tests.

You can help your student create a college list. What is at the top of their list? What are they interested in studying? What career interests them? What college activities outside of academics are important? Does location or size matter? Use these questions to begin crafting the list.

You can participate in college visits by planning the visits, traveling with them, and discussing the visits afterwards, Under no circumstances should you take control during any aspect of the campus visit, from the tour to the interviews.

Scholarship searching can be a daunting task for any busy student. Parents can help by searching for the scholarships, making sure all the components of the scholarship application are completed, proofreading any essays, and making sure they are submitted correctly and on time.

Once the applications have been submitted you can participate in the final decision. Weigh all the financial aid offers against one another and help your student choose the college that is the best fit: academically, socially and financially. This is an important part of coaching.

Step 4-Teach life skills.

Teenagers need time and priority management skills, conflict management skills, and effective communication skills. They need to know when and how to ask for help, they need to effectively maneuver the college bureaucracy, and they need to operate on a budget and manage their money. They need to self-advocate and have the self-discipline to stay safe.

Step 5-Teach Academic skills.

Students should start college with strong study skills. They need to be able to write a well-researched and documented, accurate, organized, and well-written paper. They need to start college prepared to attend all their classes, read the assigned materials, and know how to take notes. They need to be prepared to pursue study groups, additional review periods, or other options such as seeking out their teachers when they have questions and need help.

Step 6-Model behavior

Parents should be involved in their teenager’s school by participating in parent-teacher meetings and similar events, judging their student’s academic strengths and weaknesses, and pushing them to get help when they need it. Parents should make expectations and rules clear for both academics and behavior, and follow through on reasonable consequences. Parents should give their teenagers graduated responsibilities, teach them to budget, and make them responsible when they make mistakes.

Step 7-Educate yourself about everything to do with college prep

In order to be the “wise sage”, you need to educate yourself about all aspects of college prep. And in today’s age of technology and social media, you have all the tools available to do this. Take advantage of all the college prep advice on social media (Twitter, Facebook, and even Pinterest) have all sorts of tips for parents to help with college prep. Subscribe to blogs that provide parents with advice and connect with other parents on Facebook who are going through the same process.

On my blog, I offer numerous lists of experts to follow on social media, along with advice from college counselors, test prep tutors, essay experts and admissions officers. These tips help parents stay on top of all the college prep tasks and stay educated about any changes in standardized tests, admissions or financial aid.

Step 8-Have the money talk

Parents should have a serious conversation with their student about money before even applying to colleges. Approach it as a collaborative discussion and use this as a start to helping your teen understand the importance of budgeting and “needs vs wants”. 

• Start off by making sure your teen knows what a “need” is and what a “want” is in relation to college costs. For some teens, all wants are needs. This is the time to nail the definition down and clarify it in their minds.

• Decide just who will be paying for each college expense. Every family is different but it’s important to make this clear from the very beginning so that there won’t be any surprises.

• Use a budget worksheet and understand ALL college expenses. Don’t just assume that tuition, room and board will cover it. There will be additional costs as well like travel, entertainment, dorm furnishings, student fees and others. Be sure to budget for these additional expenses.

When your teens contribute to the costs of their education, they will be more invested in their success. They will also learn valuable budgeting lessons that will stick with them past college and into adulthood. You’re doing your teen a disservice if you don’t involve them in the college financial discussions. They need to be active participants in the decisions and also play an active part in paying for that high-cost college education.

Step 9-Make financial aid a priority.

Even if you can afford to pay for college, why would you use the money if your student can get some of the free money from scholarships and grants? It makes sense to apply for scholarships. Scholarships are available for all ages and students should start applying early, even before senior year. There are scholarships for students with average grades, and scholarships that don’t require a GPA or even an essay. Sign up for scholarship search engines to find scholarship matches. Leave no stone unturned: search locally, ask friends, talk to your student’s school counselor and listen to the media. Scholarships are literally everywhere, and many local ones go unclaimed every year.

When your student is a senior, complete the FAFSA. The FAFSA is the key to getting not only federal aid, but aid from the colleges themselves. Much of the college aid is merit based but your student won’t receive it if they don’t submit the FAFSA.

Next…

Step 10-Participate in the final decision.

Once your student is accepted to colleges, due your due diligence and compare all the financial aid awards. If one award is higher than another and your student wants to attend that college, appeal the lower award using the higher award as leverage. Find the college that is the best fit: academically, socially and financially. Don’t allow your student to take on high amounts of debt just because it’s the college he or she wants to attend. Be the voice of reason and explain the consequences of graduating with too much student loan debt…

Now, some final words of advice…

Nag less and listen more

You will be tempted to nag: write this, apply to this, study for this, and search for this. Nagging will only cause strife and stress for you and your student. Instead, listen to his concerns, his visions, and his dreams. Listen carefully to ascertain whether or not college is the best choice. Listen to him talk about how he feels about the entire college prep process. And once you’ve listened, guide him — don’t nag.

Do less and encourage more

Avoid the temptation to take over the process. As one admissions officer told me, “Let your student drive the car.” You can be a coach, an advisor, a mentor and an attentive listener. You can also help with data gathering, scholarship searching, and deadline reminders. But under no circumstances should this process be yours. Let your student own his own future.

Compare less and research more

Don’t listen to other parents who want you to compare your student to theirs. This is you and your student’s journey. Do your research. Ask the experts. Don’t rely on hearsay to make your decisions. Your student is unique, and his journey will be unique. Arm yourself with all the information and tools to help with the process. Then pass it along to your student.

Panic less and plan more

If there’s one piece of advice I give parents, it’s this: stay organized and don’t miss any deadlines. Make a plan throughout high school and follow the plan. Once your student enters senior year, you should be organized and ready to begin the application process.