When parents and students enter the college-bound process, issues arise. It’s the inevitable clash of what parents think is best for their kids, and what the kids want. Over the past 18 years the clashes have been over such things as food, friends and entertainment choices. As college approaches, the parent-student conflict intensifies.

Following are five areas that typically cause parent – student conflict along with some advice on how to handle it and work toward a compromise.

1. Junior college vs 4-year college

Parents often approach the college prep process from a financial standpoint; students don’t. They make their decisions based on all types of criteria that might not seem logical to parents: location, campus activities, the look of the campus, friends, and even popularity of the college with their peers. While those aren’t necessarily the best criteria, they should play into their final decisions.

Here are just a few questions to consider:

• Would a 4-year college be better for your student?

If your student is independent and knows what he wants, a 4-year college might indeed be the best choice. Students who are focused and are ready to pursue a specific major can benefit from attending a 4-year college starting with their freshman year. 

• Could you justify a 4-year college if it was more affordable?

Although junior college is more affordable based on cost for credit hours, there are other factors to consider. For instance, scholarships are more readily available to incoming freshmen than to transfer students. Financial aid awards could be enough to offset the higher tuition fees.

• Does your student understand the benefits of junior college?

Perhaps the greatest benefit of attending a junior college is getting the basics out of the way, especially if they are unsure about a major. The financial benefits can be great as well, especially if the student lives at home and works while attending.

• Is it possible to reach a compromise?

Talk with your student and make an effort to understand their reasons for wanting to attend a 4-year college. Be open to the possibility. Explain your concerns about cost and going to college without a decided major. A compromise might be for them to take courses over the summer before college and get a few of the basics out of the way.

2. A profitable major vs a major that embraces their passions

Parents think logically—they want their kids to graduate and be able to secure a job that pays well and has future career advancement possibilities. While there is nothing wrong with that line of thinking, their kids want to study something that interests them. 

Have you considered these realities?

• Your child would be more likely to embrace college if he has a passion for what he is studying.

Statistics show that nearly half of all college students drop out before receiving a degree. If your student is pursuing something he is passionate about, the likelihood of him sticking it out for 4 years is much higher than if he is pursuing a major that doesn’t interest him simply because he will be more employable after graduation. 

• There are lucrative majors that embrace all areas of interest and could be a good compromise.

Investigate majors and research the ones that have a good rate of return. Encourage your child to look at the degree plans and perhaps add a minor to their degree embracing their passions. Some colleges even allow students to create their own degree plans, choosing courses that interest them and pertain to their areas of study.

• Those who are happiest in life have careers that they are passionate about.

Of course you want your child to be successful and be able to make a living. But even though they get a job after graduation that pays well, it doesn’t guarantee they will stick with it, especially if it is not something they are passionate about. A recent study showed that only 27 percent of graduates actually have a job related to their major. 

• Explaining the consequences of choosing a major that’s unemployable might help your child understand why you are concerned.

Graduating with debt and being unemployable is a big concern for parents. But your student may not understand the consequences of their decision. Its four years down the road and all they see is dollar signs because they have a college degree. Encourage them to do some research on the major they are considering and the expected salary and hiring potential after graduation. It just might open their eyes and help them move toward a more logical major.

3. Extracurricular activities vs free time

Parents look at the big picture. Students focus on the “here and now”. It’s hard for teenagers to comprehend the importance of proper planning and preparation. They want to enjoy high school and not be pressed day in and day out to focus on the future. It’s a delicate balance between applying themselves, managing their time and enjoying their free time.

With a few simple tactics you and your teen should be able to reach a compromise:

• Set aside time each day to work on college related activities.

Parents who are over achievers expect the same from their student. But all work and no play makes for a very stressed out teenager. Make a plan with them to spend x amount of time each day on college-related activities. Once they complete their daily tasks, you will feel better about letting them have some free time.

• Encourage your teen to focus on one activity throughout high school.

Many parents think that piling on the extracurriculars during high school will impress college admissions officers. But it’s not entirely true. Colleges are looking for focused applicants. They are much more impressed with a student who has devoted four years in high school to one particular activity than one who has piled them on just to impress. Consistency is more appealing than numbers.

• Allow your teen time to have fun while helping them to find balance.

Teaching your teen to balance their time will go a long way in helping them to manage their time in college. Students who know how to keep a balance between studying and social activities do much better in a college environment. Help them prioritize their activities.

• Work with them to establish goals and the steps needed to reach them.

Before they leave for college, students need to know how to set goals and how to take steps to fulfill them. Help them make a list of goals, both short term and long term, and encourage them to evaluate those goals on a regular basis adjusting their time to stay on track.

4. Hand holding vs a quest for independence

Perhaps the most difficult part of parenting a college-bound teen is when to help and when to let them take the reins. It’s hard because for the past 18 years we have been in control. Relinquishing control over such a critical process in their life is harder than you might imagine. Looking at the process from the college’s standpoint, the student needs to own the process. They will be the one going to college and they should be the one making the decisions. But you can certainly guide, encourage and offer help when asked.

Parents can help with these tasks:

• Staying organized-keeping track of deadlines and test dates.
• Explaining the financial plan-discuss what you will pay and what you expect them to pay toward college.
• Providing documents as needed, especially concerning financial aid.
• Offering advice about college choices-offer advice but don’t dictate choices based on your preferences.
• Accompanying them on college visits- listen to their likes and dislikes afterwards while staying objective.
• Providing tutoring help if needed.
• Help with studying for standardized tests.
• Guide them with the final decision helping them take into account financial aid awards

Parents should let their student take the lead with these tasks:

• Compiling a list of college choices
• Talking during college visits and interviews
• Communicating with colleges via email, social media, and telephone
• Gathering letters of recommendation
• Completing the application
• Completing the FAFSA
• Making the final decision

5. Gap year vs going straight to college

Parents cringe when their teens bring up the gap year. The concept seems like procrastination and parents fear that once out of school, the student may never go to college at all. Taking a year off to lie around and do nothing is never an acceptable option. But taking a year off with a focused purpose might be what’s best for your teen.

Before you put your foot down and forbid them to do this, consider the reasons a gap year might be beneficial:

• They could use the time to pursue career interests.

A gap year could be the perfect time for your student to learn more about specific careers that would help them choose a major. Internships and apprenticeships during the year could provide them with more information about the types of education needed and the specific degree plan best suited to their chosen career.

• They could take the time to travel and work abroad.

Taking a year off to travel and work abroad can be beneficial when they do attend college. Being exposed to different cultures and getting to see the world helps them in their future careers. There are many programs that offer students the opportunity to work while abroad and some that offer them the opportunity to volunteer for room and board. Scholarships are also available as well.

• They could simply use the time to mature and gain focus.

Many high school graduates simply aren’t mature and focused enough to attend college. Taking a year off means a year to grow and mature. But it should never be used to sit around the house, play video games, and hang out with friends. A gap year, to help with maturity and focus, should always include a plan such as working part-time while taking a few courses at the local community college.

• Work full time to save money for college.

For many students, working full time for a year will help them save money for college expenses. It’s definitely something to consider, especially if this money would be used to avoid taking out student loans.

Parents should understand that college right after high school is not the best path for every teen. There are other alternatives, even ones that could include taking a course or two at a community college. The most important role for parents is to help their teenager find a path to success.

Wrapping Up

Parents and teens take on new roles during the college prep process. The parents are attempting to let go and trust that the decisions made will be the best ones. The teens are attempting to exert their independence and make their own decisions. As senior year progresses, teens should move toward independence and parents should relinquish control and trust their teens to act as they have been taught over the last 18 years. It’s not easy, but the ideal situation is parents guiding their teens to become independent, self-advocating adults.