If you are a mother of a college-bound teen, it’s easy to become a smotherer. After all, there are deadlines that need nagging. There are scholarships that must be applied to. There are battles to fight and recommendations to be secured. It’s impossible to expect your young teenager to handle these matters on their own. They need help. They have always needed help.

But, and I say this will all humility, it’s hard to let go and let them handle these things on their own.

Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs you will ever have. You want your teenager to become independent but you worry they never will. What if they fail? What if they forget to do something that’s important? What if they are hurt or rejected? It’s in our nature as mothers to fix things and help them avoid anything that would be painful. Some mothers have mastered this technique so well that their kids don’t have a clue how to deal with failure, disappointment, and pain.

Do you relate to this type of mother? My daughter does. She says it’s going to be her—right down to making sure her kids are the center of her universe and vice versa. She already has their future planned and she has every intention of making sure they follow her plan. We laugh about it; but her boys might not think it’s so funny as they grow older and strive for independence.

It might be best to nip this problem in the bud and start to set some boundaries. How do you know if you’ve crossed the line from mothering into smothering? I’ve compiled a short list of examples.

You might be a smotherer if . . .

• You incessantly text your teen during school to ask about __________ (you fill in the blank).
• You go on the college visit with them and ask questions about campus security on the walking tour.
• You send ________ (fill in the blank) to admissions officers to butter them up; and call to ask if they received them.
• You show up at school unannounced with __________________ (fill in the blank), embarrassing them in front of their peers.
• You call the coach because your teen didn’t make the team.
• You spend the night in his dorm room for the first week of school.
• You move close to campus so that you can be available.
• You drive hundreds of miles to college to deliver _________________ (fill in the blank) because she called and said she “had to have it”.
• You fill out their college application for them (because they can’t possibly do it on their own).
• You call the mother of the son who broke up with your daughter to ask why he did it.

Are these extreme? For some, yes. But all of these are true stories, based on talking with parents and admissions counselors. Is it hard to believe? Probably not in today’s world of over parenting.

But, there is an alternative.

You might strive to be a mother who. . .

• Allows your teen the freedom to fail.
• Accompanies your teen on college visits and lets her do the talking.
• Helps your teen master some independent skills before leaving for college.
• Encourages your teen to self-advocate.
• Lets your teen know they are loved, but establish boundaries.
• Coaches your college-bound teen during college prep without pushing or nagging.
• Encourages your teen to communicate with colleges and does not get involved unless asked.
• Listens without imposing your own wants and desires on your teen.

If you try to raise an independent adult without smothering them, you might be surprised with a flower delivery from Pearsons Florist on this upcoming Mother’s Day. At the very least you might get a huge hug of appreciation. Either way, your college-bound teen will be thankful.

Our teens want to feel loved, cared for and safe; but smothering is not on their list of parenting must-haves!