Category Archives: mom approved tips

Mom-Approved Tips: Is your teen on Twitter?

 

teens on twitterIs your teen on Twitter? Are you on Twitter? You should be. Twitter is not only a great resource for college prep, but it’s also the go-to social hangout for your teenager. They also air their thoughts and frustrations there. It’s amazing how teens find it to be a place to vent, especially about the pressure they feel from their parents about the college prep process. Are you surprised? I know I was.

Twitter has overtaken Facebook as the social media network that is most important to teens, according to Piper Jaffray’s semi-annual teen market research report. Twitter is the new king of teens, with 26 percent naming it as their “most important” social site. Only 23 percent said Facebook was most important, down from a high of 42 percent.

The Social Media Explorer points out:

Teens are increasingly turning to Twitter to follow artists and pop culture icons, take part in (or create) memes and trends, and express their innermost thoughts. More and more, teens are also using Twitter as a way to escape their parents’ prying eyes, as parents are far more likely to have a Facebook account than Twitter; it seems many parents don’t realize that their kids are even tweeting, and kids are keeping their accounts private, away from their parents and sometimes also from those who might bully them online. Twitter also allows for anonymity, so teens can take on new (or multiple) personalities, and further isolate themselves from parents or unwanted peers.

According to Pew, teen use of digital media is growing overall; 80% of teens use online social networks. An interesting Pew statistic which may have led to the #GetAustin2Philly trending topic is that more than 2x the number of girls use Twitter: 22% of girls vs. 10% of boys. For teenagers, Twitter is an outlet for fandom, gossip, and chatter; get @mentioned by a celebrity or teen idol and your popularity is sure to rise. Twitter is now a digital autograph book.

Today’s Mom addresses the issue:

Escape from parental monitoring isn’t the only thing driving teens to Twitter. When celebrities adopted the micro-blogging platform kids followed. One can only hope all of Justin Bieber’s 17 million+ followers are all teenagers. Eminem has 8 million (including my privacy-seeking son), Katy Perry 14 million, and Taylor Swift nearly 11 million. The same Pew survey found that most teens are happy using Twitter for benign purposes like following their favorite artists, exploring adolescent angst, and passing along immature humor. If only all kids could be as good as yours and mine.

Kids can be mean, in real life and online

Electronic communication offers a distance that can embolden mean kids. “No one is safe from this new approach to bullying,” says Dawn Spragg, a Licensed Counselor  working with teens and their families in Bentonville, Arkansas, where three high school students were issued citations in Juvenile Court recently for publishing nasty tweets about classmates in a virtual “slam book” on Twitter. Spragg says that the anonymity of online aliases allows kids to bully without having to “back it up” like the bullies of decades past.

Electric PR Media reports:

In an effort to find privacy, teenagers are turning to Twitter as an alternate to Facebook. And although everyone wants to be where their friends are, privacy and a place away from parents is part of the genetic code of any teenager.

Enter Twitter.

Twitter, in comparison to Facebook, offers many appealing features which are just beginning to be appreciated by teenagers. Twitter allows you to have multiple accounts should you chose to do so. Your account name can be a pseudonym, one only your friends know. Your account can also be set to private, allowing you to select your followers. In turn, you chose who you want to follow without seeing their followers, eliminating the social pressure of following friends of friends which can often be the case on Facebook.

In addition to privacy and selectivity, Twitter relies on the use of acronyms and abbreviations (now we’re talking) to send your message in under 140 characters, the equivalent of a text message, but to a circle of friends. It’s a teenager’s dream: Privacy, selectivity and brevity! Does this sound like the parameters of a conversation you’ve had lately with a teenager?

What’s a parent to do?

Your teen is seeking privacy on Twitter…too bad. In 2011, one million children were harassed, threatened, or subjected to cyberbullying in social media. Of these children, only 10% of parents were aware of it. 55% of teens gave out personal information to someone they didn’t know. And only 34% of parents say they regularly check their child’s social network sites.

Unfortunately, unchecked use of social media can lead to hours of lost sleep for teens (yes, teens admit to sleeping with their smartphones and even texting in their sleep), privacy undermined, rumors being spread, school and social life being directly affected by online activity, and worse yet … becoming a victim or perpetrator of cyberbullying.

Teens absolutely need our help and guidance when it comes to online activity, especially in the Twitterverse of anonymity. But how do you help? One mother drew up an iPhone contract when she presented her son with a new phone.

Here are some of the 18 rules (you can read the rest at Huffington Post):

  1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren’t I the greatest?
  2. I will always know the password.
  3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.
  4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.
  5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.
  6. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire.
  7. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.
  8. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself.

Every parent handles this differently but it goes without saying that hiding your head in the sand and staying technologically challenged can only lead to future problems with your teens and social media. Just as you had to learn parenting skills, take the time to learn about social media platforms and how they work. Your teen may scoff about having their privacy invaded, but that’s what parents do–we parent.

Mom-Approved Tips: Top 10 Tips for Parents

 

top 10 tips for parentsOn Monday’s I dispense my parent advice and today I thought I might share with you some of my past “Top 10 Tips for Parents”. Some might be reality checks, some will provide you with new information, and some are just for fun.

Top 10 Questions Parents Ask about College

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/06/24/top-10-questions-parents-ask-about-college/

10 Must Read Books for Parents of College-bound Teens

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/08/22/10-must-read-books-for-parents-of-college-bound-students/

10 scariest mistakes parents make

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/10/31/10-scariest-mistakes-parents-make/

10 concepts your teen should learn BEFORE college

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/04/10-concepts/

Top 10 things every parent should know about “hooking up” in college

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/04/hooking-up-in-college/

10 Easy Scholarships

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/09/20/scholarship-friday-10-easy-scholarships/

10 most popular college degrees

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/04/04/the-10-most-popular-college-degrees/

10 Facebook pages every parent should like

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/12/14/10-facebook-pages-every-parent-should-like/

10 Good reasons to file the FAFSA

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/01/02/10-good-reasons-to-file-the-fafsa/

10 things high school students can do over holiday break

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2011/12/05/10-things-high-school-students-can-do-over-holiday-break/

Top 10 dos and don’ts of parenting a college bound teen

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/05/20/parenting-college-bound-teens/

Mom-Approved Tips: You might be a micro-manager if…

 

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micro-managerOne day your child is dependent on you for everything and the next day they are managing on their own. They don’t need you to dress them, or feed them, or tuck them in at night. They don’t need you to walk them to school any more or attend their birthday parties. It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you are the type of parent who can’t seem to let go and let them grow up.

Before they start the college prep process, it might be a good idea to take stock of just how much you try to micro-manage their lives and make some adjustments.

You might be a micro-manager if:

You press your teen to provide detailed information about their day

Let’s face it—teens volunteer little information about how their day went. If you’re lucky you might get a “fine” or an “ok”, but not much else; and that’s ok. They don’t need to tell you everything, just the important things. Instead of prodding, just try the listening approach. Odds are you will learn much more by listening than you will by constant prodding.

You argue with their teacher about grades

It’s perfectly acceptable to have a conference with your teen’s teacher about their academic progress. But if you find yourself taking it to the next level and arguing with them or questioning the grades, you could be crossing the line. And here’s a tip—you will be embarrassing your teen. Let them fight their own battles; it prepares them for college.

You text your teen repeatedly during school hours

Some parents abuse their texting privileges. They text to find out how their teen did on a test, how their day is going, and even use it to ask probing questions about their relationships. First of all, cellphones should be turned off during class (and for most schools during the day). Secondly, this is a bad habit that might not be seen as intrusive in high school but will once they head off to college.

You search you teen’s belongings just to be nosy

Unless there is good reason to pry (you perceive a drug problem or emotional issue), it’s never good to be a snoop. They do need some privacy and if they find out you are invading that privacy they just might start feeding your obsession. If you’ve raised them well and taught them right from wrong, let their private lives stay private.

AND the 5th clue that you might be a micro-manager…

You offer advice even when it’s not necessary

Sometimes teens just need to vent. They don’t need you to solve all their problems. Unless they ask for help, keep the advice to yourself. Remember that listening is your best tool and that you always learn more by letting them talk. They learn to become problem solvers and this moves them toward independence.

If you see yourself in this list, you might want to readjust your parenting. Your main goal is to train them toward independence. It’s much easier to do this before they go away to college. Once they know you trust them to make their own decisions and live independently, they will be much more likely to thrive when they are on their own.

Mom-Approved Tips: Teaching Teens Consquences

 

teaching teens consequencesOne of the first things we learn growing up is that all of our actions have consequences. If we pull a glass of water off the table, it will spill all over us. If we touch a hot burner on the stove, it will burn. If we pick up a knife on the blade, it will cut us.

Selective memory loss

Teaching teens consequences can be challenging. Unfortunately, too many teens don’t carry that knowledge into their teen years as they begin to make choices that are life changing and life altering. They don’t rationalize that sleeping with someone you just met can have consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, pregnancy, rape and even at the very worst murder. They don’t think that cheating on a test in school, even if you don’t get caught, robs you of an education and learning. They don’t see that getting in a car with a drunk driver could end in tragedy because most teens who are drunk believe they have the capacity to drive. They can’t look far enough into the future to see that going to a college they can’t afford could land them in overwhelming debt after graduation.

Running down the scenarios

I know. All those scenarios are a bit dramatic. But let’s just think before we discount them as viable examples of ignoring the consequences of our choices. Your teen would be well served if he did the same. The next time your teen is tempted to sleep with someone they just met, what would happen if they ran over the previously stated consequences in their mind before they decide to do it? There would be consequences to their decision: good or bad. Before they make the decision to cheat on that next test, they replay the scenarios in their mind before they make those cheat notes. The consequences would be either good or bad. Before they get into a car with another teen who is drunk or drive drunk themselves, imagine what would happen if there is an accident and their friends or other innocent drivers and passengers are killed. Before making those final college choices, your teen should know that their ability to repay massive student loans depends on their ability to gain employment after graduation that would provide enough income to pay back those loans.

All decisions have consequences

When you’re young and your whole life is ahead of you, you tend to function in the present. Twenty or thirty years from now seems like an eternity to someone in their teens. But time has a way of catching up with us and every choice we make when we are young has both good and bad consequences. The trick is to know when those consequences aren’t worth the risk. And the other trick is to pause long enough before taking those risks to weigh both the good and the bad.

If your teen gets anything from this bit of advice, let it be this: take time to think before you act. Weigh the good and the bad consequences. Then once they decide, make the best of their decision and swallow the good with the bad. Every path they take in life has the potential for greatness. Encourage your teen to be wise and think before they act, knowing that their choice could potentially be the wrong one.

 

Mom-Approved Tips: Inside the mind of a college-bound teen

 

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teen brainThe stress of the college admissions season weighs heavy on your college-bound teen. I read an old article today from a NY Times blog and I felt it was worth sharing to help you go inside the mind of a college-bound teen and see just exactly what they are feeling.

Fear

They may seem fearless at times, but as they approach the final months of high school fear sets in. One teen, Phoebe Lett, 16 talks about how she feels as a junior.

“I fear for my rapidly approaching senior year. Should I really spend nine hours a night on school work? As I rack up as many extracurriculars, community service hours and “beneficial relationships” (college-prep speak for impressive recommendations), I can’t help but think that it’s not good enough. Better grades, higher scores, more varsity letters, more leads in the play: have I been bulking up an application that perhaps doesn’t reflect who I am, but instead just represents what a college wants from me? That is my true fear.”

Pressure

The pressure they feel is of paramount proportions. This pressure will be exhibited in all kinds of emotions from tears, to anger, to denial to frustration. Robin Karlin, 17 felt the pressure of failing.

“Around the application deadline you’re studying for finals, and it’s your senior year. You already have a lot of classes and you have to write essays and you’re already stressed out thinking “what if they don’t want me?’’ And you worry what if you don’t get into any school at all? I’m not from a big city. We have pretty good schools, but I think in a bigger city with more people you have more perspective on where you stand in the nation. I’m not really sure how good I am.”

Rejection

If your student hasn’t experienced rejection, get ready. There’s a strong possibility some of the colleges they apply to won’t offer them admission. Sam Werner, 18, felt disappointment when the rejection letters started arriving.

“Everyone I had talked to, once they heard “perfect SAT,” they said, “You can get in anywhere.” That was the hardest part, having everyone tell me I would and then not getting in. It was a rough few days. The rejection letters and my parents both kept telling me it’s not a case of me not being good enough, but a case of too many qualified applicants. But it’s really hard not to feel like you got rejected….”

What is the cost?

At the end of their senior year it will all be over; but at what cost? Doctors treat teens with headaches, stomach pain, lack of sleep, depression, eating disorders and mental health issues. Some have been thinking about college since 6th grade and by the time senior year rolls around they are spent. Some kids are able to handle it, others are not so lucky.

Relieving some of the pressure

College admission is how students define their success. Years down the road, they will see that some of those rejections probably sent them into better directions. But for now, don’t add to the problem. Don’t pressure them to apply to schools that their chance of acceptance is 1%. Remind them that this is simply one step in their life and there are no failures, only successes if you try.

Mom-Approved Tips: 6 Stressful College Tasks (and how to keep from freaking out)

stressIt’s no surprise the middle name of college-bound teens is “stress”. According to a recent survey, 76 percent of college-bound students say they are stressed. If you live with one, you’re stressed too; and not just you, but your family as well. Granted, there are plenty of reasons to be stressed. And plenty of reasons why it’s impossible to avoid feeling stress (try as you might).

Following are 6 stressful college tasks and how to keep from freaking out. Yes, freaking out.

The Grades

Grades mean everything. Your student’s GPA is one of the most important components of the college application (if not THE most important). It’s understandable that your kid will stress over receiving B’s instead of A’s on their papers. They know that the college they want to attend looks at grades, classes, and GPA’s carefully before making an offer of admission.

What can you do? Create a positive study environment and don’t add to the pressure. If you see them struggling, get help. Let them know that all you expect from them is they do their best, nothing more.

The College Visits

Any parent who has been on a college visit with their teen will attest to the emotional roller coaster that often ensues. Your kid may balk at the thought of getting out of the car, cringe at the fact that his/her parents are there along with them, and freak knowing they have an interview scheduled.

What can you do? Take a chill pill before you head out and remember your kid is most likely terrified. This is a huge step for them and emotions are going to play a big part in the visits, even though you might see it as a critical step in the plan. Give them the freedom to express those emotions.

The Standardized Tests

Testing in itself is stressful. But standardized tests are incredibly stressful. It’s a timed test that affects the outcome of offers of admission. Scores are compared with other students and some consider them to be bragging material. A low score means less options for college; a high score opens more doors.

What can you do? Under no circumstances should you nag your student about studying. Help them study. Encourage them to study. Provide tutoring. If the pressure is off, they will do better on the tests. Too much pressure (especially from parents) with students who are stressed already, will affect their ability to focus and relax on test day.

The College Choices

Making decisions is stressful without the added pressure of the impact of this one decision on your kid’s future. They may act calm, cool and collected, but they feel the pressure to make the right college choices. The schools they choose will be evaluating them on their merit and overall success academically.

What can you do? Let them make their own choices. Guide but do not put your foot down and tell them they can only attend your alma mater or a college close to home. They need to make the choice themselves because they will be attending the college for the next four years. If they don’t like it, they won’t be happy and stay when struggles come.

The Money

Money concerns always produce mounds of stress. With the economy in disarray, that stress is compounded when families are trying to pay for college. When deciding on college choices, money should always be a factor. If your student knows what you can afford to contribute and what is expected of them, the stress will be minimal. Keep them in the dark and there could be added stress and disappointment when they apply to a school that is not financially doable.

According to The Princeton Review’s 2013 “College Hopes & Worries Survey”—an annual poll of college applicants and parents of applicants—stress levels are up while cost remains a driving factor in college selection. In fact, 79 percent said the state of the economy has affected their decisions about college—up 4 percent from 2012.

What can you do? Make time to talk about money with your kid. Hoping your student will get a full ride scholarship is not realistic. You need to plan for the worst (little or no aid) and hope for the best (multiple scholarships and merit aid). If the college choices fall into your family’s ability to pay, when the financial aid award arrives it will be a much more pleasant experience. Especially if lack of money to pay does not affect the final decision.

The Waiting

This is probably the most stressful time in your kid’s life, which means it is stressful for the parents as well. One student puts it simply:

Because as decision day draws closer, and the (rather strong) possibility of rejection becomes more and more pronounced, I can’t help but think that my process, that my life, is entirely out of my hands. I know it’s irrational — I know that I’m still the one who will make the ultimate decision, that I’m the one who will decide what my future holds. But that’s my point — I’m not rational anymore. I’m just afraid.

What can you do? Celebrate the accomplishment of applying and provide distractions during the months of waiting. Reiterate that you will be proud of them and no matter what the outcome it’s not the end of the world. Rejection is tough on these teens, but strong parent support can help them see that there are always options available and sometimes disappointments turn into blessings.

The ultimate goal is to have a stress free household and to avoid freaking out. This is probably impossible but keeping the “freaking” to a minimum will help your student reduce their stress. Stay calm and breathe. It will all be over soon.

Mom-Approved Tips: The Truth about College

 

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truth about college

During our student’s senior year of high school we live in a bubble. All sights are set on one goal—getting into college. Students and parents focus on college selection, college applications, financial aid forms, and then we wait. We wait for the offers of admission to come pouring in and then we compare financial aid packages and help them pack their bags for college.

But wait. Is it really that simple? Hardly. Most parents would say it’s anything but simple; it takes work, commitment and perseverance on both parts—parents and students. Before your student sends off those applications, you should know the truth about college.

Acceptance doesn’t mean graduation

Did you know that graduation rates differ wildly from school to school. About 400,000 students drop out of college each year. When you research the college, look up their graduation rates. Low rates could send up a red flag. True, graduation rates don’t determine the quality of a degree. Yet students who start college but don’t finish are typically no better off than those who never even started, and in some cases might be worse off, if they took on debt.

I owe, I owe, so off to work I go (if they can find a job)

Even if your student graduates, it’s no guarantee they will secure a job; at least not one that will pay enough to cover too much student loan debt. Having that conversation about college costs should be a priority before they apply.

According to the College Board and other statistical resources student loan debt among graduates is at an all-time high:

•As of Quarter 1 in 2012, the average student loan balance for all age groups is $24,301.  About one-quarter of borrowers owe more than $28,000; 10% of borrowers owe more than $54,000; 3% owe more than $100,000; and less than 1%, or 167,000 people, owe more than $200,000.

•In 2010‑11, about 57% of public four‑year college students graduated with debt. They had borrowed an average of $23,800 (in 2011 dollars). About two‑thirds of those earning bachelor’s degrees from private nonprofit institutions had debt averaging $29,900.

Be cautious about student loans and if at all possible avoid them.

Will they stay, or will they go?

As many as one in three first-year students don’t make it back for sophomore year. The reasons run the gamut from family problems and loneliness to academic struggles and a lack of money. If schools you’re considering have a low freshman retention rate, you’ll want to ask the admissions office why. Some colleges do a great job of taking care of their freshmen; some don’t. That’s why it’s important to look at these rates when making college choices.

It’s a jungle out there

Even if you and your student do everything right, there’s going to be bumps in the road. They will call complaining of roommates, homesickness, and frustration with their classes. The best thing to do is listen and know that most times, those complaints get less and less and they eventually cease after they have settled in. Don’t be surprised if this happens to your bright, self-sufficient independent student. Just one word of advice—fight the urge to rescue them. It’s time they learn to fight their own battles.

 

Mom-Approved Tips: Unsolicited Advice

 

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unsolicited adviceEllen Snortland, author and Huff Post blogger states it simply in an article about unsolicited advice:

What makes these mediocre meddlers, these know-nothing-nattering-nabobs of the obvious, these kings and queens of blah, blah, blah, think that anyone really wants or needs their cheap irksome advice? Do I have “Please give me your most recent lamebrained theory on what I should do” tattooed on my forehead?

You know who they are: parents who want to give you all kinds advice about which college your student should attend and what they need to do to go to Harvard. There’s nothing wrong with asking other parents who have been through the college process for help. If you’re a parent of a college-bound teen you’ve most likely encountered people like this. Everyone has a story and a complaint. Some are useful and valid; most are not. The key is asking–and trusting the advice you get.

Here’s a sample conversation between parents:

Parent 1: If you want your kid to be successful after graduation, they have to go to an Ivy League college.

Parent 2: I’ve heard the Ivies aren’t all that great.

Parent 3: Someone told me that it’s impossible to get into the Ivies if your student doesn’t have a perfect SAT score.

Parent 4: If you have a B student, their options are limited to state universities or community college.

If you analyze each of these parents’ advice, there is some truth in each of them. But without reputable advice they might lead their students in the wrong direction.

Should you listen to unsolicited advice?

I heard a college counselor talk about a popular college forum recently reminding parents that you can’t trust these anonymous comments. Parents have no way of checking the accuracy of the posts or the validity of the information on these sites. That’s not to say all of this advice is bad; but you should always verify the information with the experts. What’s good for one student, is not necessary the best path for yours. Be selective and investigative about all the advice you will most assuredly receive.

Is all college advice accurate?

No. Just like not everything you read on the internet is true. I love that insurance commercial that is driving the point that not everything you read online is true. Even if it’s posted in a college parent forum it might not be accurate. Sift through the useful information and throw out the babble. Before you take it as gospel, verify it with other sources.

Where can I get the best advice?

Common sense says you should look for advice from the experts. Who are these experts? These are college professionals and parent advocates whose advice and instruction have been endorsed by others in the field of college prep. Any advice devoid of these endorsements is advice you should take with the grain of salt.

It’s your responsibility as a parent college coach to sift through all of this unsolicited advice and verify the accuracy of all of it. Trust the experts who have been endorsed by other experts; if you do this the college admissions process will be more effective and less stressful.

 

Mom-Approved Tips: Talking to your teens about financing college

 

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financing collegeIf you have a college-bound teen you’re well aware of the cost of college–it’s high. In a recent story in Business Week, one graduate confessed she had given up on her student loan debt of $186,000. She is not alone. With the nation struggling under a $1 trillion student debt crisis, stories like hers are nothing uncommon. For the first time ever, the national student loan default rate exceeds the credit card delinquency rate, and so long as student loans remain one of the few types of debt that can’t be discharged in bankruptcy, chances are the situation won’t improve any time soon. 

As their parent, it’s up to you to make sure they don’t fall prey to debt that they cannot repay after grduation. Before they ever accept an offer of admission, you need to talk to them about financing college. In my Parents Countdown to College Crash Course I call it “the money talk”.

Following are a few tips to help broach that uncomfortable topic with your college-bound teen:

The cold, hard facts

The first thing you need to discuss is finances: what you are willing to pay and what you expect them to contribute toward college expenses even if it’s just acquiring scholarships. Discuss the ramifications of student debt and talk openly about which colleges would fit into the family’s financial picture. Paint the picture clearly and explain to them this is a large investment and needs to be treated as such: you expect them to do their part and you expect them to study and to graduate.

The difference between wants and needs

This discussion is just as important as discussing the cost of the college education. When a student understands the difference between the two they can make financial decisions based of this criteria. Is it something they need or simply something they want? Don’t assume they know the difference. Most teens believe everything they want is a need. If they learn this lesson before going to college and living on their own, it will save them overdraft fees, past due notices and much heartache when they are controlled by their debt.

The college choice

Be realistic. If their dream college is out of reach financially think long and hard before you apply. This may be their first time to make a choice between what they want and what is best financially. It is a tough pill to swallow now, but they will thank you when they graduate with minimal or zero debt. The college they choose not only needs to be a perfect fit for them socially and academically; it also needs to be a perfect fit financially.

The budget

This is the perfect time to talk to your college-bound teen about creating and sticking to a budget. You may have tuition, room and board covered but there are always added expenses. Budgeting for those added expenses means there won’t be any surprises when the bills come due. Need a list of what those extras might be? Check out this article I wrote for Smart College Visit about the extras beyond tuition.

If you can’t sit them down for a time (we know how hard it is to even share a meal together), do it in segments. Just make sure you do it before they start applying to college. If you don’t, it’s going to be an uncomfortable discussion when they get accepted to their dream college and it’s not affordable for you and your student.

 

Mom-Approved Tips: Out of Control Parents

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out of control parentsYou know you’ve experienced them: out of control parents. They show up at their kids sport events and yell at the coaches and the umpires. They show up in the education system bullying teachers, coaches, administrators and other parents. Their kids rarely have consequences and cannot fend for themselves in most instances. They have a strong sense of entitlement that is passed down to their kids. Nobody likes them AND nobody wants to be them.

In Early Admissions, a novel based on Lacy Crawford’s experience in college admissions office, the author relates a story:

There’s a father who rewrites his son’s Common Application essay after his son has been rejected early decision by his first-choice school. In the revision, the father argues — in the first person, ventriloquizing the boy — that communities benefit from a range of people, the superstars and the average alike, and that the student should be admitted to the other schools on his list not because he is stellar but because he is not. This happened. On the night in question, the father summoned me to proofread his new essay before ensuring that his son submitted it. It broke the boy’s heart, and it broke mine. (I did not oversee submission of that essay. I told the student how I felt, and left it in his hands to decide what to do.)

This is just an example of the many stories I have heard from admissions officers. The college world has labeled these parents: helicopter parents and other names like snowplow parents. College admissions officers all have stories to tell. If you were to hear them all, you wouldn’t believe them. Or would you? Do you sometimes think you fall into that parental demographic? I know I did and still do at times.

It’s not all bad

Unfortunately, a few bad apples spoil the bunch for the rest of us. Educators see parents coming and immediately they put their helicopter radar up. Can you blame them? We all have a little “rescuer” in us, after all. We start from the time they are born protecting them, caring for them, fighting battles for them, and most importantly, loving them. Just because they grow to be adults we don’t stop parenting. Most parents, get it. Sometimes, however, we rush in before our kids have the chance to be adults.

Drawing the line

Good parenting means involvement and participation in your kid’s lives, but when does it become more than that. Crawford asks some tough questions and points out some difficult truths:

Where do we draw the line? When does support become manipulation? When does tutoring stop helping a child, and start teaching him that on his own he’s not good enough? How can we come to realize that character — resilience, curiosity, dedication, a moral compass — is the prize here, and value that over the name on the diploma? Over time, I think, parents know this. But in the heat of senior fall, when everyone is feeling crazy, perspective can become clouded.

Clouded judgment causes parents to do unspeakable things. Competition among other parents can also cause parents to

What happens when parents are out of control?

When parents are out of control kids suffer. Not only are they embarrassed, but they are robbed of the chance to learn life skills and the thrill of doing something on their own. They don’t learn to self-advocate and they don’t get the experience of being independent.

The next time you feel like losing control and rescuing your kids, take a deep breath and think about the future. Will you be robbing them of the satisfaction of accomplishment? Will you be robbing them of learning that for every action there are consequences? Sometimes tough love is the best love of all.

Do you ever feel like an out of control parent? They say that admitting it is the first step to recovery. Here’s your chance (leave a comment)!