High school graduation day is supposed to be one of the best days in your life. But the unsettling truth is it can be a time of great anxiety—for both students and parents. Even though this is a milestone, a combination of both positive and negative emotions can turn this happy time into one filled with stress. It’s hard to imagine that this time for celebration also produces feelings of fear, frustration, sadness and separation. But it does.
Why is there such anxiety around this time of celebration and accomplishment?
Graduation Anxiety for the Students
Of course students are happy and excited about their graduation; but they can also exhibit signs of stress and anxiety. The very nature of this life event brings a whole range of emotions to the surface. It’s important for parents to understand what their teen is feeling to help them through the transition.
Fearing the unknown
It’s only natural for students to be afraid of what lies ahead. Even if they have visited the campus and talked to faculty and students, the very fact that they will be entering uncharted territory brings up the fear. They have no idea what to expect once they arrive on campus. They know academics will be more difficult—will they be able to handle the rigors of college courses? All of these unknown factors cause them to be afraid (even though they might not admit it).
This article was originally written for University Parent as a part of their parent program.
Everyone likes a good bargain.
We rush out on Black Friday to get the best deals for Christmas — we stand in line in the freezing cold to save money! But do parents put as much effort and attention into finding a college bargain? Student debt statistics would say they don’t. Would you want your student graduating from college saddled with that debt? I imagine not!
College bargains do exist and if you have a student who intends to start college in the fall, it’s your job as a parent to point him in their direction. College is a huge consumer purchase which you can and should approach much as you would the purchase of a home or car. Do your research, compare the prices, and help your student choose a school that gives you the best bang for your buck.
One of my favorite movies is Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. In it, Mr. Blandings tells his lawyer that “some purchases you make with your heart and not your head.” As I said, I love the movie, but this is bad advice. When it comes to your college “purchase,” use your head first and then listen to your heart.
I understand that it can be challenging to get students to look at the college choice from this point of view. When my daughter was applying, all her choices were east coast private schools with huge price tags. As a parent, I wanted her to have her dream but, also as her parent, I wanted her to graduate without being burdened with debt. Her heart told her to go to the college that offered the least amount of merit aid. Her head, after a long “money talk” and re-evaluation of her second choice, led her to a school that allowed her to graduate with a small amount of student loan debt. She’s grateful every day that I guided her in that direction.
Most parents these days would expect their child to go to school, college, and possibly study at a university as well. In most cases, college or even high school is enough to go out, get a job, and find something that they really want to do. After all, they have plenty of time to go to college or university afterwards if they really wanted to.
But as parents, we tend to focus a lot on planning for the future. We like to think about what our children might want from life and we try to make arrangements so that they have all the support and assistance that they’d need. But even then, things might not go as planned. Unexpected circumstances might occur, and there are some unfortunate situations that might strike before your child can even finish high school.
So in this, we’re going to talk about planning for the unexpected. Plans that last for several months or even years can go terribly wrong, which is why it’s important to be prepared for unforeseen circumstances.
We can forget how much of an impact we have on our children. When it comes to getting ready for college, we may think that our job is very simple: to ensure that our children study. But if we provide the wrong environment or we don’t enforce it the right way, this will have a more devastating impact on their academics than we realized. To make sure our children are studying effectively, we’ve got to make sure the environment is effective so their frame of mind is ready for study. How can you make the environment and the mindset work together?
Minimizing External Stresses
We all have an inherent need to procrastinate on occasion. If you have spent a long time trying to get your children to study and were met with resistance every step of the way, it’s hardly a surprise that when they need to knuckle down and study, they will look for any reason to avoid it. Even something that is not their responsibility can be the perfect excuse. It’s about making sure that they have a conducive study area, but this means that you need to realize the impact of a perfect study area.
By creating an environment that is not too hot, not too cold, not too bright, and not too noisy is crucial. This means making sure everything is working as it should. For example, something as noisy as the air conditioning can be a distraction and if it’s not working properly, the environment will be completely uncomfortable, and there are plenty of 24 hour AC service providers that can help people. It’s about getting all those little things correct.
Netflix recently released a documentary/re-enactment of the Varsity Blues scandal over college admissions. You probably heard the news last year about rich parents paying bribes to get their less than stellar students into elite universities. If you have the time, have a student heading to college, or are simply interested to see how the scandal unfolded watch the documentary.
As I watched I realized how much the media highlighted the celebrities involved and neglected to examine why this happened. The college admissions system is broken. Granted, there has always been those who benefit from huge donors, legacies and connections. But the overwhelming desire to get into the “prestigious” colleges has caused parents and students to step outside the normal boundaries and into illegal and damaging practices.
I won’t go into details about the sting, or the characters involved, but I think it’s important to focus on some take-aways from the documentary and also think about what we learned from all of it.
It doesn’t matter which side of the political aisle you are on, the 2020 Election can teach your teen some valuable lessons about life, responsibility and outcomes. Since you are their greatest teacher, take a moment to discern what they are indeed gleaning from your behavior during this election time. There are important lessons for them to learn from this election.
There will always be winners and losers–The sooner they learn this truth the happier they will be. You can’t always be on the winning team and you should always be a good sport about losing.
With freedom comes responsibility–Voting is a responsibility. Vote in EVERY election and take your teens with you. Let them experience this freedom right along side of you. Decisions are made by the people who show up.
Bashing someone else’s beliefs and opinions only makes you small–Don’t be one of those people that rub victory in other people’s face or bash the ones who won. Rise above the temptation and take the high road.
Even though you may not be happy with an outcome of a decision or path you take, you can still move forward–Teach your teens that there is always a road ahead. Mistakes have consequences but you deal with those, learn from them, and go in a positive direction.
Playing the blame game never benefits anyone–If you blame everyone for the way things turn out, you are teaching your teen to do the same. Explain to them that we are all responsible for our OWN actions, not those of others.
Support your leaders and if you don’t agree, take action toward effecting change–This is America and we have elected our leaders, so they should be respected. If you aren’t happy with the people who are in office, work toward the next election. Sitting around voicing hatred for them will only teach your teen to do the same.
We shouldn’t be defined by our political views but by our values–A famous person once said, “We’re not the red states or the blue states, but the UNITED States.” Teach your teens your values and they will carry them into the future.
Your behavior speaks volumes about the kind of person you are–Don’t be one of those that post hateful comments on social media sites. Be the one who focuses on the future and sees good in everyone.
Negative attitudes make you a very unhappy adult–Negativity breeds defeat, discouragement, and despair. You certainly don’t want your teen to live their life with these attitudes.
You live in the greatest country in the world–Say what you will, but we have FREE elections and every adult is given a vote to decide who governs us. Teach your teens to be proud of our country, our past, and our future.
I have watched all the negative campaign ads for a year. I’ve read Twitter and Facebook feeds for months. Many adults need to apply these 10 principles to their lives. Your college-bound teen is our future; teach them to respect one another and dream. Above all, VOTE!
So much time is spent preparing for the actual college choice and application that very little time and effort goes into prepping for these valuable life skills. They may be prepared for the academic rigors of college, but neglecting to prepare for all the other aspects of college life might affect your success and ultimate degree completion. It’s your role as a parent to make sure they have these skills before they leave for college.
We must, as parents, raise an independent student. That means they must know how to self-advocate. They must know how to say “no” to behaviors that have negative consequences. They must be responsible with their time and their money. It’s no easy task and in today’s world, we have to add the ability to make wise social and economic choices.
Financial skills
When your student heads off to college there will be many financial decisions they need to make, beginning with how much student loan debt they are willing to incur. Use loan repayment calculators to determine the amount of re-payments after graduation and use these figures to make wise decisions about loans. They will also need to know how to budget their money in regards to other college costs such as books, living expenses and entertainment. Add to that the knowledge of credit card rates and how easily it is to fall into debt using them for simple things such as pizza. Many students graduate from college with over $10,000 in credit card debt.
Social skills
If your student is headed off to college to hook up with the party scene, they are in for a rude awakening when their first semester grades are released. Many students forget that partying affects their study time and class attendance. If they are exhausted from partying the night before, they are less likely to get up for that early class. Recognize that while making friends and enjoying the social scene are necessary for their overall satisfaction of the college experience, they should not forget the reason they came to college: to get an education. Discuss with them how to balance their social life with their academic life before they leave in the fall.
Academic skills
College is not like high school. Professors expect that your student do their assignments and they don’t check up on you if you don’t. Coming to college with refined study and organization skills will help your student adjust to the rigorous course requirements of a college degree program. Managing their time is also important as it relates to class assignments, studying for tests and preparing term papers.
Mental skills
College life produces a whole new set of mental and emotional problems. Many students face homesickness early and should recognize that those feelings are normal. They should go to college with the skills needed to cope with stress and the feeling of loneliness that often occurs. Recognize that all these factors contribute to their overall mental health and know beforehand where they can find help if they need it.
Problem solving skills
College is no different than life—obstacles occur on a daily basis and you will need the skills to deal with those obstacles. Your student will be confronted with conflict and should know how to resolve that conflict, either by themselves or with a mediator (such as an RA or student advisor). They will face situations that require them to advocate and they should be comfortable doing this before they head off to college and become completely independent.
The question we should all be asking our students is:
Are you prepared for college?
I’m not talking about academic, extracurriculars, or standardized tests. I’m talking about the “real” college prep: adulthood. Because this is the most important college prep of all. If your student isn’t ready to study without being constantly nagged, attend class without a wake-up call, or make wise choices when every negative influence in the world bombards them, then he or she is not ready for college.
Do you have a to-do list for your future college student? Can they live within a budget? Do they understand the importance of study and class attendance? Do they know how to choose the right friends? Will they make wise choices about alcohol, sex and other risky behaviors. Preparing them for college is so much more than academics.
Get this book: Toward College Success: Is Your Teenager Ready, Willing and Able? Read it and apply its tactics. When your student goes off to college they will be prepared for the real world which can sometimes be cruel; but a learning environment preparing them for adulthood.
Most parents want their student to win scholarships. Even if you can afford to pay for college, free money is always welcome. But talk with parents and parent groups and you can hear the frustration:
My student isn’t motivated to search for scholarships.
My student has applied for so many scholarships and hasn’t won a dime.
Where do we search? Should we sign up on all the scholarship search engines?
But the number one questions parents ask is:
How can I help my student search and apply for scholarships?
Your student will need an organized system to help with the scholarship search and application process. You can help! Encourage your student to set up Google docs for scholarships with the name of the scholarship, requirements, due dates, and information needed for each.
As you find scholarships, you can add to the list that will be easily accessible to you and your student. This will also help you stay on top of deadlines so you can quickly text a reminder to your student.
Help with searching
You can help your student search for scholarships. While you are waiting in just about any line, you can use your smartphone to search. You can use Google or there are apps available to help you search.
Watch the news, look at community bulletin boards, talk to family and friends and search local organizations for scholarship opportunities. You can keep a notebook with you, or just open the Google doc and add the scholarships you find.
Help with proofreading
You can’t write their essays or fill out their applications, but you can proofread and double check the requirements before your student applies.
Help with reminders
Email or text your student when deadlines are approaching to remind them to submit the application on time. With so many things to do, it’s hard for students to stay on top of deadlines.
In high school, my son participated in the Navy Junior Reserve Officers Training Corps program and had high hopes of attending a military academy after graduation. However, due to less-than-stellar SAT scores and our family’s general lack of understanding about how the application process worked, he was denied admission to all of them. It was difficult dealing with disappointment.
If you’re the parent of a high school senior whose sights are set on a dream college, you don’t want to anticipate dealing with disappointment. But you also know that, given the competitive and subjective nature of college admissions, rejection is possible…even likely.
I have a colleague who won’t call it “rejection” — he has dubbed the two decisions students receive an “offer of admission” and “no offer of admission.” Language like this might ease the blow somewhat, but your teen will not be comforted. The disappointment will be enormous, and real.
How do you handle your own feelings?
First of all, be ready. Those disappointments are on their way and even if you vow not to take a rejection personally (after all, you’re not the one applying to college) it’s nearly impossible not to. This is your child; you are bound up in his sorrows and joys. And his application was stellar! “How can they reject my student?” you will wonder in outrage, speculating about who may have gotten in instead and taken “his” spot. Suddenly you realize that you, too, had pinned hopes on a future that included Parents’ Weekend on a certain idyllic campus.
When we acknowledge our own disappointment, we can make sure it stays where it belongs — in our own hearts. The last thing we want is to magnify our student’s pain. He feels badly enough already without feeling that he has disappointed his parents.
How do you support your student’s feelings?
Every student reacts differently. Some will shrug off the rejection letters, understanding that it is just part of the process, but others will view a rejection (or two or three) as the end of the world. At the moment that your student is absorbing this news, all the truisms in the world (“Everything happens for a reason,” “It’ll work out,” “You don’t want to go there if they don’t want you,” etc.) won’t help. Hold him, hug him, and let him know that you share his pain. He needs time to express his emotions and deal with the disappointment in his own way.
What do you do after you’ve both had time to grieve?
Once some time has passed and your student is able to be objective, embrace the life lessons. Point out that disappointments often turn into opportunities (it shouldn’t be too hard to dig up some examples from your own life!). Assure him that success in college is more about his attitude than the name on the T-shirt, and even though College “A” didn’t work out, there is a place for him — a terrific school where he is wanted and where he will thrive. On that note, move on to the colleges that mailed the fat envelopes. If there is more than one, he now has the fun task of making a choice. He’s back in the driver’s seat.
When my son was turned down by the military academies, he turned to Plan B and enlisted in the U.S. Marines. After four years of service and the passage of time, he saw himself in a new light. He applied to college, was accepted, and graduated with honors. Back when he was a high school senior, the rejections seemed momentous. Later, he recognized that they had been merely a bump in the road and an opportunity to re-evaluate his goals.
It’s hard. I know. I’ve been there. You want your student to have the BEST education available. You want them to want it as much as you do. You see them making some choices that you know they will regret. As hard as you try, you find yourself pressuring them to make the right choice and the battle lines are drawn. They dig their heels in. You dig your heels in. And the tug of war begins.
What’s a parent to do when you feel your college-bound teens are making the wrong choices related to college? Take a deep breath and read these examples (along with my suggestions). Parenting for college can and probably will be a struggle.
Your college-bound teen tells you he doesn’t want to go to the college that is hard to get into and is opting for what you consider to be sub par.
Don’t panic or overreact. It’s possible he is scared. Try and ascertain the reasoning behind the decision. Don’t do this by badgering him or constantly asking him why. The best way to figure out what is wrong is to LISTEN. Listen to him talk about his day, about college, about how he feels. If fear is not the reason, perhaps he feels the other college would be a better fit. If that’s the case, do yourself a favor and back off. The worst thing you can do with a teenager is force him into a decision he feels is wrong. Sometimes the best lessons we learn are the ones that come from making our own decisions (right or wrong).
Your college-bound teen tells you that he simply MUST go to Private College A, even though she knows it comes with a high price tag.
Don’t let her bully you into sending her to a college you can’t afford AND one that will require a tremendous amount of student loan debt. Sit her down and explain to her the dangers of graduating in debt. Use the college repayment calculators if you have to. If she truly wants to go to Private College A, she needs to do the work (good grades, good SAT/ACT scores, great essay) to be awarded scholarship/grant money from that college.
It’s also worth considering that a private college may be similar in cost to a public university. Since many private colleges have generous alumni that donate, they often award large merit scholarships. Public universities are not as generous with aid.
Your college-bound teen is not interested in college, deadlines, studying for the SAT or any other path that leads him toward higher education.
If there is one thing I learned with both of my kids (and clients), if they aren’t invested in the college process they won’t be invested in college. Save yourself some time, money and heartache and wait until they are. If not, they can learn from the college of hard knocks–minimum wage jobs are the BEST motivator!
It’s also important to note that not every student is meant for college. There are, indeed, other options. Many have taken those different paths and been perfectly successful and happy. It could be time to consider alternatives to college.
Your college-bound teen misses deadlines, panics and comes running to you at the last minute to fix it.
The simplest way I know to avoid missing deadlines, is to get yourself a huge wall calendar and a fat red marker. Put it in a place that they have to pass by every single day. In addition, with all the smartphones and calendar apps available today, missing a deadline should be a thing of the past. At some point (hopefully when they go to college), they will have to fix their own problems. Let them do it now, while they live at home, and it will be easier for them once they are gone. Rescuing your kids all time only makes them into dependent adults and colleges aren’t impressed with those type of students or the parents that come with them.
Your college-bound teen suddenly announces she is not ready for college and wants to take a year off.
First of all, wait. Don’t react. Just listen. Odds are the mood will change with the wind and once all her friends are making college plans, that desire that she once had will kick back in. If not, let her know that it won’t be a “free-ride” year.
With the pandemic, gap years are becoming prevalent. Your student can use the time to investigate career options, work at an internship, volunteer in the community, or simply work and save money toward college.
If you have any questions or personal experiences you would like to share, please leave a comment here and share it with other parents. We learn from each other and from our mistakes and successes!
