Category Archives: parenting

college guidance, college planning, parenting

Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts of parenting a college-bound teen

 

Last night, I watched a new popular sitcom called, “The Middle”. This show, while being extreme, personifies the trials and tribulations of parenting (especially teenagers). The teenage son is under-motivated and the teenage daughter is over-motivated. The parents are frustrated and at times complacent. These two teenage extremes pose a parenting dilemma: How do you find the balance?

I’ve written often about Helicopter Parents and even had a guest blogger, Chip Timmons, an Assistant Admissions Director,  give his Top 5 Helicopter Parent Stories . Even though perfect parenting does not exist, it is possible to take the BEST and the WORST examples of parenting a college-bound teen and learn from them.

On that note, I’ve come up with my TOP 10 Do’s and Don’ts of parenting a college-bound teen:

  1. Do encourage them. This is #1 because it is the most important tip of all. Teenagers who are headed to college need to know you believe in them and in their dreams. They need to feel your love and support. They need to know that you will always be there cheering for them, even if at times they don’t believe they can succeed.
  2. Don’t nag. Nagging never helps motivate a teenager. My rule was to tell my teenagers what was expected of them and allow them to own their own actions. There are so many tasks and deadlines related to the college admissions process. You can remind them without constantly nagging them. Helping them to stay organized will go a long way in helping you to avoid becoming a nag.
  3. Do step in when they ask for help. The college admissions process can be overwhelming. It’s unfair to expect them to handle everything alone. There are times when they will need your help and you will have to step in and parent.
  4. Don’t plow them down in an effort to help. Parents who take over are not helping their teens. They only hinder their success and enable them to become more dependent instead of independent. (That means: don’t do it for them, but it’s ok to offer your help.)
  5. Do listen. Pay attention to what your college-bound teen wants and needs. In order to do this, you must listen to them talk. It doesn’t have to be a regular sit-down either. Just listen during normal conversation to and from school, while they are getting ready for a date, or during family dinner time.
  6. Don’t speak for them. Believe it or not, they have an opinion. Many times, it’s an intelligent one and one that others want to hear. When your teen is asked a question of a counselor, tour guide, admissions officer, teacher or a college representative PLEASE let your teen answer for themselves.
  7. Do offer your advice. Advice is different from nagging. Advice helps your teen learn from your experience. Giving advice comes easily for parents, and it’s something our college-bound teens need to hear.
  8. Don’t expect them to make choices based on your likes and dislikes. When you give advice or opinions, many times your teen won’t choose or act as you expected. But that’s ok. Not all of their choices will be the best ones. And some of their choices, while not yours, will be what’s best for your teen.
  9. Do be a “present” parent. Parents tend to become less involved as their kids get older. If there was ever a time to be MORE involved, it’s during the teen years and the college admissions process.
  10. Don’t disappear from their lives just because they are in high school. Go to parent conferences. Attend high school events. Get involved in parent booster clubs. Participate in their lives. Travel with them to college visits and college fairs.

If you like this article, you might also like:

Being a Parent College Coach-The 3 C’s

Preparing your teen for college: It’s all about guiding, not doing

10 Concepts your teen should learn BEFORE college

college guidance, college planning, parenting

Top 5 Helicopter Parent Stories

6 Comments

 

helicopter parents
photo by Michael Elins-Newsweek May 22, 2006

I made contact with Chip on Twitter last week when he retweeted a “helicopter parent” tip that I had given during a recent #CampusChat. Chip Timmons is the Associate Director of Admissions at Wabash College and I asked him if he had some “helicopter parent” stories he would like to share with my readers. He graciously agreed.

Greetings parents!

Let me begin with the following.  In all honesty, I really don’t mind “helicopter parents”.  I understand they’re heavily invested in their children’s college decision, but here’s where I think they need to draw the line. I’ll share what I believe is the best analogy I’ve used when talking with parents.

If you wish to hover over your student while he or she is in the water, that’s fine.  Let them learn how to sink or swim.  Allow them to float or drift.  You only need to lower the lifeline if your son or daughter is drowning.

Here are my Top 5 (plus 1 honorable mention) examples of “helicopter parenting” that I’ve encountered during my admissions career.

Honorable mention: One move-in day a few years ago, a father asked me who was responsible for making sure his son got to his church every Sunday.  Before I could answer (my reply would have been “that’s your son’s responsibility”), the dad felt the need to clarify that he meant his church, in his hometown, some 90 minutes away from campus.

5. Over our two-day Honor Scholarship competition, a mother drove 3+ hours to campus on the morning of day two to have a calculus/physics cram session with her son.  They met off campus at a local coffee house and I happened to find them while grabbing my morning coffee on the way to the office.  I will never forget the looks on their faces.  You would have thought I was a police officer who walked in on a bank robbery.

4. A mother was concerned about the quality of the laundry facilities on campus.  She wondered if we were equipped to wash the specific type of workout/athletic apparel her son preferred to wear.  Her son is a distance runner.

3. Speaking of sports…I coach my son’s 5-6 year old baseball team.  Parents will sometimes ask why “Junior” isn’t playing a certain position or why he bats #9 in lineup.  At that age, that stuff happens.  It’s pathetic, but it happens.  In high school, parents should not expect to “have the coach’s ear” or feel like they have a right to lobby for increased playing time for their son or daughter.  Some parents will be heard and get their wish, but I still feel it’s pathetic.  In college, there’s absolutely no place for that.  A parent once wrote to me saying “I’ve called and written to Coach Soandso to find out why “Junior” isn’t on the varsity, but Coach Soandso won’t get back to me.”  My response was “Don’t expect a reply from Coach and do “Junior” favor.  Stop it.  If “Junior” is good enough to play on the varsity, he’ll prove it with his play.  Are you going to call his boss in 5 years and ask why “Junior” didn’t get a promotion?”

2. How about when it’s the girlfriend’s helicopter parents getting in the way?  A student informed our office that after a conversation with his girlfriend’s parents, he decided to live at home and attend the State University.  His girlfriend’s parents didn’t like the idea of her driving at night or that far to visit him on the weekends. I’ve said this before “boyfriend isn’t a paying gig and it doesn’t go on your resume.”

1. My #1 isn’t a parent I worked with, but someone I know personally.  The daughter attended college in a neighboring state.  Said college had live video feeds from different parts of campus.  My friend knew his daughter’s class schedule and the route she took to classes each day.  He would check the video feeds to watch his daughter go to class and leave class EVERY day for EVERY class that brought her in range of the cameras. If she missed class or he didn’t see her on the feed, he made a call or sent an email.  He proudly shared this tale with me and you could have knocked me over with a feather.

I’ve listed what I consider extreme examples and one-time incidents of “helicopter parenting”, but in my opinion, even seemingly minor “fly-overs” can hinder the college search process for your son or daughter. When you attend a college fair or visit a campus, allow the student to do most of the talking.  By far, the most frustrating experience for me is looking a student in the eye, asking him (Wabash is a men’s college) a question, and hearing a parent answer.

My parting advice: If that little voice in your head is asking the question “am I being a helicopter parent?”, you don’t need to wait for an answer.  If you’re asking that question, you have your answer.

Follow Chip on Twitter @ChipTimmons

Wabash College is featured in Loren Pope’s Colleges That Change Lives

college planning, parenting, social networks

My Top 10 Summer Activities

 

I’ve had several parents ask me recently about activities I recommend over the summer during high school. Summers are a great time to take advantage of the days and make a future impression on your high school resume.

Here is my list of the Top 10 summer activities:

  1. SAT/ACT Prep–summer is the best time to spend doing some SAT prep and improving vocabulary. There are awesome sites online for this. Just check out my post Top 5 SAT Prep Sites.
  2. Scholarship Searches–Even if your teen isn’t a senior yet, it’s a good practice to do some preliminary searching to make note of qualifications and deadlines. Note: Look locally first. Local scholarships are less competitive and often easily earned. For some search sites, check out my post of the Top 10 Scholarship Search sites.
  3. Volunteer–Encourage your teen to start volunteering in his/her community. A consistent pattern of volunteering each summer looks great on applications and shows colleges that your teen is concerned about giving back.
  4. Get a job or start a business–Summer is a good time to make some cash for that college fund and also demonstrate responsibility. Many teens actually go the entrepreneurial route and start a business: lawn mowing, babysitting, tutoring, etc.
  5. Write–Probably the last thing your teen wants to do over the summer is write. But writing is good preparation for the college essay and the writing portion of the SAT. Journaling is a great way to do this and will also serve to spur your teen’s creativity.
  6. Make some preliminary college visits–I stress “preliminary” here since visiting colleges in the summer isn’t the best time to get a clear picture of college life. But it’s a great time to wander around and explore the campuses.
  7. iTunes University—iTunes University is an excellent way for your teen to get an idea of what college courses might be like. It’s free and there is a wide array of subject matter to choose from. You can access it on your iPhone or iTouch or by downloading iTunes on your computer.
  8. Start or focus on a hobby–Hobbies are great ways that your teen can stand out from the pack on his/her college application. But it needs to be consistent throughout high school.
  9. Spend some time on social media–You won’t have to pull their arms to get them to do this; but it needs to be focused. Have them spend some time on Twitter to follow some college tweets. They should also read some blogs from college students and perhaps connect with some on Facebook from the colleges they are considering. Check out my list of the Top 30 College Info Twitterers.
  10. Read–Yes. I know…I can hear it now…BORING. But honestly, reading is one of the BEST summer activities to enhance their academic success and improve their vocabulary. And if he/she likes Ayn Rand, there are several big money scholarships given each year for essays on her books!

What are your favorite summer activities with your college-bound teens? Do you have any other suggestions?

admissions, college guidance, college planning, parenting

This week's #CampusChat on Twitter

Last week, several parents joined us for the FIRST #CampusChat on Twitter. This week, I’m the scheduled guest hosted by @collegevisit (Smart College Visit). Here’s all the info and I would LOVE to have you join us.

Hot Topic: When & How to begin the College Admissions Process

Curious about the College Admissions Process? When should it begin and how to stay on top of all the info?

Find out at #CampusChat on Twitter, Wednesday night, May 12 at 9 p.m. ET, 8 p.m. CT.

Our guest this week is Suzanne Shaffer, @SuzanneShaffer, founder of Parents Countdown to College Coach. She’s a parent who successfully completed the process and coaches other parents to do the same!

Who should attend?

College-bound teens and their parents, college admissions officers, counselors and anyone interested in contributing to the topic about when the college admissions should begin are invited to join the conversation.

Plus, there’s a Give-Away!

One lucky participant will win:

Organization: The Key to a Successful College Admissions Process – This CD provides parents and teens with a suggested filing system, along with templates and forms to help with the organization process.

A winner will be selected from the list of Twitter participants (those who contribute to the conversation).

college planning, parenting, Uncategorized

6 Campus Safety Talking Points

 

This week, the news stories from the University of Virginia told of the tragic story of Yeardley Love: murdered by an angry ex-boyfriend. In September a Yale graduate student was murdered on campus the day she was scheduled to marry. In August, a University of Tampa student, Ryan McCall, was gunned down on his way home from a friend’s birthday celebration. And in March, NYU student Michael Finney drowned while on spring break.

Parenting on good days can be frightening. You never know when some unexpected event will occur and rock your world. It’s impossible to prepare for every unexpected occurrence, but we can take the time to equip our children with the knowledge and the tools they need to keep themselves from falling into dangerous situations.

Here are my 6 campus safety talking points:

  1. Teach them the warning signs of violent, aggressive behavior. Help them understand that if a friend or boyfriend starts exhibiting violent or possessive tendencies, they need to seek help.
  2. Help them to understand that safety should be a priority. Girls should NEVER walk alone on or off campus, especially at night.
  3. Impress upon them that alcohol often leads to dangerous, aggressive behavior. Sexual assaults, violence and sheer stupidity (driving while drunk) can ruin their lives or lead to fatal consequences.
  4. Talk to them about putting themselves in compromising positions: alone with a guy or girl they don’t know; flirting when they have no intention of pursuing a relationship; participating in illegal activities that could escalate.
  5. Work with them to come up with some safety guidelines BEFORE they leave for college (lock their dorm door at night; call for a campus escort when alone; program emergency numbers in their cellphone; read the school’s emergency plans together).
  6. Let them know that they should never be afraid to ask for help when frightened, threatened, or unsure of their own safety.

We can’t hold our childrens hands their entire lives. But we can be responsible parents and teach them the rules of safety. We did it for them when they were toddlers: look both ways when crossing the street; hold your brother’s hand at the mall;don’t talk to strangers. We should certainly do that for them BEFORE they head off to college.

If you liked this article, you might like:

10 Concepts your teen should learn BEFORE college

Crime on Campus

Parents: Can you handle the truth?

In the news: Violence on college campuses

college guidance, parenting, Uncategorized

The #1 Party School Crown

This year the Princeton Review named Penn State the #1 Party School. Last year it was University of Florida. I remember when my daughter was headed off to college, Southwest Texas State University (now Texas State) claimed the title. Does that mean that the schools that aren’t rated don’t party? Of course not. It means that the students who were polled online gave responses that garnered them that title. They wear it proudly. However sobering that thought may be, it’s a reality.

This American Life did an interesting series of podcasts about the college drinking culture. As a parent, it was an eye opener. Don’t get me wrong, I know that both my kids drank in college. I was not naive to think they would avoid alcohol for four years. But listening to this podcast definitely raises some serious questions regarding college drinking and its affect on our young college students.

Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself before your teen heads off to college:

  1. Would you let your teen go to the #1 Party School (or even one that was ranked)?
  2. How concerned are you about college binge drinking?
  3. Do you think drinking is a rite of passage for college students?
  4. How can you discourage your teen from overindulging in alcohol while in college?
  5. Considering that a large portion of college drinking happens at frat parties, would you discourage involvement in Greek life?
  6. Does your daughter understand that drinking often leads to hooking up that she might regret later?
  7. Would drinking and the affect it has on college students make you think twice about allowing them to live in a dorm or even leave home for college?
  8. How can you impress the importance of a college education when the college culture revolves around beer bongs, frat parties, and binge drinking?
  9. Knowing that drinking causes negative consequences, how can you teach your teen to make the right choices before they are on their own and being influenced by their peers?
  10. Is the value of a college education devalued because of the college drinking culture?

Head over to This American Life where you can stream the broadcast for free or download it for $.99. The interviews cover conversations with Penn State students, people in the surrounding neighborhood, officers, and establishments in the area. You will hear students talk about their drinking escapades and girls talking about the behavior drinking induces. You will listen to guys talk about inducing a drunken state in the hopes of getting the girl into bed.

It’s eye-opening and a bit disturbing. But, as a parent, you need to know about the culture so you can help prepare your teen. You should talk about drinking and prepare them for the inevitable onslaught of peer pressure to drink. If your teen is headed off to college in the fall, listen to this podcast with them and use it to open the discussion.

college costs, college planning, parenting, Uncategorized

Campus Dough: A Smart Spending Alternative

When my daughter was in college, she was inundated with credit card offers: in the mail, on campus, and via telephone. During freshman orientation, they signed her up for a local checking account and accompanying credit card on the spot. I have to say, at the time it was convenient and easy. But looking back, that one credit card led to debt and made it easier to sign up for more. After graduating from college, she had accumulated some hefty credit card balances due to the convenience of using those cards.

University Parent Media, seeing the need for smart spending alternatives to credit cards, has partnered with StorValue and created a program for college students that offers two amazing benefits: controlled spending and cash back rewards. Campus Dough, a low-fee, reward-filled prepaid debit card, provides unmatched benefits for students and their families. Campus Dough gives collegians shopping, restaurant discounts and a new way to manage money through virtual banking and online tools. Parents can use Campus Dough to help ensure security and responsible spending.

Here are some appealing benefits for both parents and college-bound teens:

  1. They can arrange for direct deposit to their card from their jobs on campus; eliminating check cashing fees and wait time.
  2. They can personalize their card with their favorite image or photo.
  3. Campus Dough allows them to manage their account, transfer funds and pay bills on their smart phones.
  4. They earn a percentage of each transaction with cash back rewards; and if they follow Campus Dough on Facebook or Twitter, they can take advantage of special offers.
  5. They may find they no longer need a checking account after using this card, eliminating high bank fees.
  6. Their colleges also earn rewards.
  7. Parents can transfer funds to the card by linking to their checking accounts.
  8. This is an effective method to control spending.

According to Campus Dough, “the more dough you spend, the more dough you earn, AND the more dough you SAVE!”

Take some time today to visit their website and watch the video presentations on how the card works.  Once you do, I’m sure you’ll see the benefits of this card and sign up for one today. It’s the smart way to help your college-bound teen learn about budgeting, spending and the benefits of graduating with good credit and minimal debt.

college planning, parenting, Uncategorized

10 Concepts Your Teen Should Learn BEFORE College

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parenting teensToday’s post was inspired by a chat last night on Twitter hosted by @TheOnlineMom and led by @BetsyBBraun. The topic of the chat was parenting, and the plethora of parenting advice reminded me that part of being a successful parent college coach begins long before they enter high school.

Borrowing from the advice of these wise parents, and some tips of my own, I’ve compiled a list of concepts your teen should know BEFORE heading off to college.

1-Consequences

Teach your college-bound teen that actions have consequences: both good and bad. Allowing them to suffer the negative consequences of not following through will help them understand the importance of completion. This also shows them that completing tasks will produce positive consequences.

2-Self-respect

When your college-bound teen respects their own body, they will take care of it and themselves. This respect will affect how they respond to others sexually and to themselves physically. When they respect themselves, they are less likely to seek that acceptance and approval from others.

3-Rules

Our children need to learn that life is filed with rules. These rules, if followed, are there to protect them. Rules provide structure and order. This concept helps them adapt and adjust to the world they will live in as adults.

4-Communication

Open communication is the key to good relationships. Yelling is NOT communicating. It only fosters more yelling. Listening is the most important aspect of communication. Allow your teen to participate in the conversations as you listen. This fosters communication because they will learn that you value their opinion.

5-Self reliance

Children can’t learn without being given responsibility. Teens learn self-reliance when we give them the opportunity to make choices. Even though they might make the wrong choices, they learn from their mistakes. They also learn how to make the right choices. Give them responsibility and allow them to struggle.

6-Gratitude

When we give our kids everything they don’t appreciate what they do have. Teaching them to work for what they want goes a long way to helping them become productive adults. Sometimes we have to say no, knowing that giving in will produce a spoiled child–an attitude of ingratitude.

7-Boundaries

Children want boundaries. They need to know what is expected of them. This gives them stability and a feeling of safety. While they may question these boundaries, they will also respond positively to them in the long run.

8-Self-control

Children learn behavior from their parents. Acting out, anger and yelling are learned behaviors. When they see us lose control, they mirror our behavior. This behavior will manifest itself when they are away at college and cause them a tremendous amount of grief.

9-Consistency

Threatening your teen with consequences and not following through establishes inconsistency and creates confusion. When you set rules and boundaries and they are broken you must be consistent with the consequences. Let your child know what is expected of them and then follow through when you tell them no: be consistent.

10-Praise

Every teen should feel that their accomplishments are worthy of praise. Give praise liberally; less frequently than criticism. Positive affirmation is always more effective than negative recognition.

Being a successful parent college coach requires time, patience, and a willingness to sometimes be the bad guy. We are NOT to be our kids friends; we are their parents. Parenting is a huge responsibility that requires a commitment to firmness when it’s often easier to be lenient. Make sure your college-bound teen learns these concepts BEFORE they head off to college and face the world as an adult. They will be happier, you will be happier, and the people they come in contact with will recognize the positive affects of your parenting.

________________________________________________

Betsy Brown Braun has written a book called You’re Not the Boss of Me, offering parenting advice on “brat-proofing” your child.

You can also read ALL the responses in last night’s Twitter chat by entering #theonlinemom on Twitter.

college planning, parenting

Hitting the "summer job" pavement

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Summer is approaching and your college-bound teen might be looking for a job to supplement that college fund and gain experience in the workplace.  Here’s a Q & A by Liz Cruger for The Real College Guide providing some tips on how to snag a job.

QUESTION

I really want to get a summer job. Do I need to be thinking about that so soon?

ANSWER

If you’re looking to be employed this summer, start the job search in early March. Everyone is tired of hearing it, but a lot of employers aren’t hiring new workers in this economy, so finding jobs is tough … and competition is fierce. Here are some tips for upping your odds.

To land a summer gig:

* Start at your school’s career center. Staffers there are trained in job search and making resumes look great, so take advantage of the opportunity.

* Check out job Web sites like Monster.com, which can help you in your search. Post your resume early and see what comes up.

* Touch base with former supervisors — especially if you want to go back to somewhere you’ve worked in the past. Send an email to let him or her know that you’re willing and eager to return to your former post, and be sure to include your updated resume (highlighting recent accomplishments) and dates of availability.

* Ask friends and relatives about open positions. Often, getting a job is about who you know. A recommendation from the right person could put you over the top.

* Capitalize on a talent or skill. Make jewelry to sell at craft fairs, or start a lawn care business. I’ve heard that the best jobs are the ones people create for themselves!


college guidance, college planning, parenting, Uncategorized

U Chic: A must-read for college-bound girls

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Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of! And now your little girl is headed off to college armed with her favorite pair of shoes, her newly purchased collegiate sweatshirt and a heart full to dreams. U Chic: The College Girl’s Guide to Everything, by Christie Garton, should accompany her as well.

Christie Garton says, “I wanted to create a place where college women could ocme together to find support and advice during one of the most important times of a girl’s life…contributors with a diverse range of experience.” Tracy Won Briggs, former coordinator of USA Today’s All-USA Acacemic and Teacher Teams says, “From the sisterhood of girlfriends who’ve been there, U Chic answers everything a college girl really wants to know.”

I found this book more than helpful: it was inspiring. The women who contributed (from different colleges throughout the country) did so to exhort, encourage, instruct and inspire those who would come after them; thus leaving a legacy for future generations. It is a collection of advice from women about college life and the struggles and victories along the way.

Your college-bound daughter will find information related to arriving on campus, dealing with her fashionista wardrobe, Greek life, surviving temptation, love life, getting involved, budgeting, taking advantage of the college perks, and what to do after graduation. I especially enjoyed the chapter on healthy and happy living because I felt it addressed some sensitive issues related to eating disorders and weight. The contributors also adequately addressed questions regarding Greek life as it relates to girls and temptations they will face while in college. On a lighter note, there is a chapter entitled Blirting 101: socializing via Blackberry.

After reading this book (and happily reminiscing about my daughter’s college experiences), I wished she would have had this to read the summer before she headed off to college. If your daughter is in this category, get her a copy to read and take with her next fall. If you know a girl who is graduating next month, this would make an excellent graduation gift.

After reading this book, I would have to agree with Christie when she says, “there has not been a generation of college women hungrier for success, yet also more generous with their time and energy to assist those less fortunate. They are not just students at their respective schools, but students of the world–open-minded, openhearted, and open to what the future holds for them.”