Category Archives: parenting

Top 10 Things every parent should know about “hooking up” in college

 

A recent article on CNN.com addressed the issue of hooking up and not hooking up on college campuses. While it’s not a subject that parents like to discuss, it is a reality. I know when my naïve 18 year old daughter headed off to college, it was one of my biggest fears. Knowing what it means, how to address it and what to do if it happens should help ease your mind a bit.

Here’s my Top 10 list of things every parent should know:

1. What is hooking up?

The term “hook up” is vague, but is usually defined as a no-commitment, physical encounter with a stranger or acquaintance. Hooking up can range from just a casual get-together to a make out session to sexual intercourse. Knowing this makes it difficult to discern just what it means when your college student tells you they “hooked up” with so and so.

2. Hooking up is today’s alternative to dating.

When we were in school, everyone dated. That meant going to the movies, out for pizza, and spending time together getting to know one another. In today’s culture, hooking up often precedes the dating.

3. Hooking up IS happening on campus.

According to the article on CNN.com, “various academic studies have cited at least 75 percent of women have engaged in hooking up on campus, and the number is usually higher for men.”  If your college-bound teen enters that culture, they are going to be confronted with this type of behavior.

4. Hooking up is every parent’s nightmare.

Yes. It brings terror into our hearts to think that our sweet little child would even consider hooking up with an absolute stranger. But the unfortunate reality is that it does happen and it’s your job as a parent to be informed and help your college-bound teen to be prepared.

5. Not EVERY college student is doing it.

This knowledge will help you in talking with your teen about his or her options. Many college campuses have groups that exist to offer alternatives to hooking up and give students the power to say no to that culture. (Check out the Love and Fidelity Network)

6. You need to have the sex talk with your college bound teen BEFORE they leave for college.

This means you need to open up the dialogue about hooking up, what it means, and the fact that they have choices. You are the most powerful influence on your child and now is the time to get them the information they need before they leave home. They may act like they aren’t listening, but they are. Look for opportunities to discuss the risks of hooking up and the alternatives.

7. Denial is NOT an option.

Hiding your head in the sand is not the way to address this issue. It’s your job as a Parent College Coach to accept the reality of this culture and prepare your teen for his or her first hooking up encounter on campus. When it happens (and it will) it won’t blind side them, giving them with options.

8. Peer pressure is a HUGE factor.

Peer pressure in college can be even greater than in high school. Your child is alone, surrounded by all types of behavior. You aren’t there to pull in the reins and they are free to go in any direction they choose. The hook up culture can be hard to avoid; and if your college student decides to go Greek, the pressure intensifies.

9. Hooking up is most often precipitated by alcohol.

The drinking culture on college campuses drives the hook up culture. Young, naïve students get drunk and lose control of their emotions. Hooking up becomes easier and it provides opportunities for your college student to be coerced into something they might not necessarily choose when sober.

10. It’s a choice your college-bound teen will make.

Your child will have the power to choose. They can choose to hook up or choose not to. They are free to make that choice and it’s a choice that they will be confronted with when they go off to college. Arming them with the knowledge of how to respond to this choice allows them to protect themselves.

Parenting, on the best day, is hard. It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to trust. It’s hard to believe that the child we raised has become independent and knows what they need to know to survive in the world. But it’s our goal as parents to provide them with the knowledge and the tools they need to survive.

Further reading:

No Hooking Up, No Sex for some Coeds

The Sociology of Hooking Up

Hook-Up Survey Presented at Sociology Conference

The hookup culture: Having casual relationships is the new dating

Crime on Campus


One of our greatest fears as parents is what might happen to our children when they go away to college. Since we aren’t there to protect them, we worry that they might become crime victims. Preparing your college-bound teen for all the scenarios will ease your mind and help them stay safe.

Here’s a guest post by Lauren Joffe for The Real College Guide, addressing the safety issues on campus.

Two Towson University students were recently held at gunpoint, robbed and assaulted with a crowbar in their dorm room. Former University of Alabama in Huntsville biology professor Amy Bishop is currently being tried for capital murder for gunning down three colleagues at a faculty meeting. And who can forget the Virginia Tech massacre in which 32 people were shot to death by a student?

Aside from the sad situations recounted above, there have been dozens of similar incidents of crime on campus in recent years. It’s a harsh reality. So how prepared are you in the event that such a threat occurs at your school? And more important, how well-prepped is your college?

Are Colleges Prepared for Crime on Campus?
In a study published last year in Radiologic Technology, emergency preparedness plans from 28 different higher education institutions were put under scrutiny. The research, led by Northwestern State University in Louisiana professor Tammy Curtis, concluded that “most colleges are prepared for basic emergencies [such as fires or severe weather] but lack key components to successfully address mass-casualty events.” A mere five of the nearly 30 institutions reviewed had policies regarding school shootings.

In the March 2010 Towson U incident, two armed and masked men entered a high-rise residence hall at midday, forcing two students to remain in a corner as the perpetrators swiped phones, computers and other possessions. Even though email alerts were issued to warn that the perpetrators could still be at large, some students aren’t satisfied.

Says Towson freshman Sam Missan: “I am upset with how these suspects got into the towers, especially with a gun. Towson did not send out any emails with a follow-up or safety tips, aside from a basic notification about what happened, which in my opinion, isn’t fair to the students. Knowing that a man with a gun can get into my dorm at 3:30 in the afternoon is unacceptable.”

What Your School’s Emergency Plan Should Include
Visit your school’s Web site to find out what precautions are in place in the event of such a crisis. As noted in Curtis’ study, the president of Virginia Tech mandated several internal reviews following the VT tragedy to evaluate the school’s existing emergency plan. The review committees’ recommendations included the following (things you should expect from your own school’s emergency plan):

1. Classroom door locks that are modified.

2. Video surveillance cameras, centrally located and monitored.

3. Electronic key cards for controlled access to facilities.

4. Mass communication outlets (e.g., phones and Internet access) within classrooms.

5. Frequent emergency drills.

6. Emergency response protocol with awareness education.

7. Campus security committee and master plan.

Do you feel your school’s plan is falling short? Make noise about it by forming a student group to address concerns with university officials. This kind of proactive approach is a recurring theme when it comes to preventing crime on campus.

How to Prevent Crime on Campus
“Prevention activities are proactive approaches designed to address issues before events happen,” writes Curtis in her study. “Actions include assessing emotional well-being of employees and students, physical and environmental hazards, campus culture and climate, and the safety and security of the environment.”

If a student has violent tendencies or exhibits otherwise suspect behavior, immediately notify campus police — some schools have adopted protocol whereby an analysis of a given student’s threat level is conducted. Meanwhile, if you lose an identification card that permits access to any campus buildings, notify the university so the card’s capabilities can be deactivated. Moreover, never allow building access to somebody who is not authorized to enter.

“From now on, I’m going to be more aware,” says Missan, “especially looking through my peephole and keeping my door locked at all times. I am never going to open a door for a person I do not know.”

Crime on Your Campus: What to Do
If — perish the thought — you find yourself in a crisis situation, again it’s crucial to be proactive. Says Randy Spivey, executive director of the Center for Personal Protection and Safety: “A proactive survival mindset, a belief that you can take control and survive, is a critical factor in determining whether you become a victim or survivor of aggressors. History shows that the immediate action of people on the scene is the most effective way to minimize or stop violence.”

CPPS has developed an instructional DVD for students, titled Shots Fired on Campus: Guidance for Surviving an Active Shooter Situation, available for individual purchase. The program is designed to train students to prevent and survive a school shooting.

Here are some fundamental safety response measures:

  • Have an “out” strategy. Try to escape from the building, even if it’s through a low-level window.
  • Lock yourself in a room if you are in the same building with a shooter but unable to get out. Duck down and turn off all lights.
  • Students should scatter when in the same room with the offender instead of huddling in a corner, which can provide an easy target for a shooter.

Make use of cell phones whenever possible, to call 911 or to text someone for help.

Staying Organized: Taming the Monster

Organization. It’s the word that evokes terror in every parent when our college-bound teen begins the college application process. As a parent college coach, it’s our job to help our teens stay organized and on top of all the paperwork that goes along with the college application process. According to Paul Hemphill, a college admissions coach and founder of PreCollegePrep.com, organization is the key to an error-free application.

Paul is quoted on SmartMoney.com as an admissions expert. You can read the entire article “The Error-Free College Application” by clicking here.

You can contact Paul online at:

PreCollegePrep.com

His blog: College Blogaversity

Twitter: VideoCoach

Facebook: PreCollegePrep

The Naked Roommate

And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College (Updated 3rd edition)

This week I’m reviewing another of Harlan Cohen’s books and can I just say one word: WOW! This book addresses everything you always wanted to know about college roommates but were afraid to ask…and so much more.

With graduation approaching, this book should be your #1 graduation gift for every college-bound teen. They should read it before heading off to college and carry it with them to campus. Harlan describes his book in the introduction:

It’s based on what today’s college students are honestly thinking, feeling, and doing on today’s college campuses. High schools do a great job of getting students into college, but once on campus, few students know what to expect. That’s what this book is all about–to help you expect the unexpected so that when the unexpected shows up, it won’t be so hard to handle.

The book is published in an easy to read, reference and remember format:

  • The Tip–Simple tips to address each specific subject: arriving on campus, residence halls,  roommates, finding friends, getting involved, Greek life, life inside the classroom, dating and relationships, sex, drinking, drugs, money, things not mentioned in the college brochure, and finally saying goodbye when you graduate.
  • The story behind the tip–These are actual college stories from actual students worded in such a way that your college-bound teen can relate to and understand.
  • The advice–After the tip and the story, comes the advice. This consists of experience (from Harlan and others) and often from college professionals weighing in on the problem.
  • The Bottom Line–Harlan summarizes what your college-bound teen needs to learn from the tip and puts it into simple, easy to remember language.
  • Harlan’s Tip Sheet–This appears at the end of each chapter offering resources, websites, summary tips and additional information.

This book is easy to read and packed with tips and information for the soon-to-be college student. Invest in this book if you’re a parent of a college-bound teen because college is all about Tip#1-Expect the Unexpected!

Parents–Can you handle the truth?

We all know that famous line from A Few Good Men, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” It’s hard sometimes to face the facts about the college environment and what your son or daughter will be exposed to while living on campus. Sometimes we would rather remain ignorant.

When my daughter and son were teenagers we used the term TMI (too much information). As they went off to college and the Marine Corps, I found myself using that term more often when they wanted to inform me of risks they had taken or went into detailed descriptions of their friend’s sex escapades (ewww…TMI!)

Too much information can be a bit overwhelming at times. But having the RIGHT information can and will ease your mind as your college-bound teen prepares for college and leaving home. In that vein, I’d like to share some helpful sites that I gathered while reading The Happiest Kid on Campus by Harlan Cohen. (Check out my review of the book and pick yourself up a copy).

Students with Disabilities

If your college-bound teen has a learning disability, you will want to know the procedures and programs on campus that give them the proper academic support. You can follow the link below from the Department of Education to learn about the programs and services that are provided in post-secondary education.
http://ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html

Safety

Every parent worries about their child’s safety when they go away to college. When you begin to consider specific colleges, it’s helpful to know about the crime statistics on campus. The link below will provide you with specific campus crime data regarding residence halls, disciplinary action, criminal offenses, and drug and liquor violations.
http://ope.ed.gov/security/

Hazing

I was confronted with hazing when my daughter pledged a sorority in college. It angered me and I didn’t know where to turn for help. If your teen is considering Greek life while in college, familiarize yourself with http://www.HazingPrevention.org. It will provide you with links to state laws, resources and vital information.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

This is every parent’s nightmare but having this information will help your help your teen know the facts before they head off to college and a world where “hooking up” is commonplace among students. Follow the link below to learn about what Harlan Cohen calls “common college sex souvenirs”.
http://www.cdc.gov/std/default.htm

Alcohol Abuse

Binge drinking is as common on college campuses as eating and sleeping. The unfortunate fact is that even though your college-bound teen will enter campus as an underage adult, alcohol will be readily available. Take some time before they leave to talk to them about the dangers of alcohol. Here are some links that might help:
http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov
http://www.bacchusgamma.org

Sexual Assault and Harassment

Since we’ve established that sex on campus will happen, it stands to reason that assaults and harassment will also occur. Your teen needs to know BEFORE they move into the dorm what to do and how to respond if/when these situations arise. Follow the links below to gather information and talking points for your child and make them aware of the resources that are available to them.
http://www.nsvrc.org
http://www.sexualharassmentsupport.org
http://www.rainn.org

College websites

Spend some time on college websites. Read the student forums. Read the student newspaper. Check out the college pages on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. Learn all you can about the colleges your teen is considering so that you can help them make an informed decision when the time comes. In this instance, TMI does not apply!

Why College Students Cheat


Here’s an article written by David Replogle, a University of Virginia student, for The Real College Guide. It’s a topic you should discuss with your college-bound teens because the risks and the consequences of cheating far outweigh the perceived benefits.

cheating

On my honor, I have neither given nor received aid on this examination. This is the honor code of my college, University of Virginia, and what I’m required to scribble after every test. A student convicted of violating the code can be removed from the university, and say goodbye to paid tuition. Harsh. But…students still cheat. So what’s behind this risk-taking behavior?

A few instructors and professors have actually asked. Here’s your cheat sheet to their findings on why college students cheat:

WHY? Cheating Can Be Rationalized

After realizing that nearly three-fourths of his class had cheated on a take-home exam, one instructor and his colleagues at Iowa State University College of Business conducted a 2006 study examining how students bend the rules:

Researchers found an ego-based climate in which students justify their actions through rationalizing, minimizing and even blaming. “Factors that can be used to encourage ethical behavior can also be manipulated to encourage behavior that is unethical,” the researchers determined.

Respondents blamed the professor for assigning answers that could be found online and for not assuming students would collude on the assignment. They also focused on more serious offenses of cheating and questioned whether certain actions could even be constituted as cheating.

WHY? Everybody Else is Cheating

Indeed, “everyone cheats” was the rationale of some respondents in the Iowa study. And in a TED lecture from last year, Massachusetts Institute of Technology Professor Dan Ariely describes several experiments in which he found not “a few people who cheated a lot” but instead “a lot of people who cheat a little bit.”

Interestingly, he also found what he dubs “endemic” cheating. “If somebody from our ‘in’ group cheats, we feel it is more appropriate to behave this way,” Ariely explains. “But if it’s somebody we don’t want to associate ourselves with — from another university or another group — people cheat less.”

WHY? Cheating’s Getting a Lot Easier

Between smartphones, online courses and hundreds of Web outlets where students can download or custom-order essays, technology makes cheating more accessible than ever. One UVA English professor, who wishes to remain anonymous, says she no longer leaves the room when administering tests: “The number of students who have Internet on their cell phones makes me downright paranoid, and I just can’t trust that they won’t feel tempted to use them.”

School administrators are looking for ways to combat this trend. In a recent study published in the MERLOT Journal of Online Learning and Teaching, researchers note that Troy University is exploring moves to ensure academic integrity, including subjecting students to fingerprint analysis, video surveillance and audio recording when taking online courses.

WHY? There’s So Much Pressure

As college stresses mount, it certainly can be tempting to search for an answer key online, copy a worksheet from a friend or even plagiarize a few sentences for that six-page paper that’s due. “It’s always a struggle to keep up the GPA, not just for yourself but for your parents too,” says Tiffany Morris, an Auburn University junior. “Your GPA follows you after you’re done, and I think that’s one of the greatest motivators behind kids cheating.”

The demands of college can be daunting, to say the least. “It’s always a balance. I’m living in my sorority house this year, chairing a committee and trying to cope with a double major,” says Chelsea Bradley, a junior at Virginia Polytechnic Institute. “I guess one of the biggest detractors to cheating for me is knowing that it’s not a good thing to do.”

As it turns out, moral prompts can trump the urge to cheat even under pressure. In one of Ariely’s MIT experiments, he asked participants to recall 10 books they had read in high school and others to recall the Ten Commandments. Says Ariely, “The people given the opportunity to recall the Ten Commandments did not cheat at all.”

WHY NOT? Cheating Totally Isn’t Worth It

Whatever your moral code, you stand to lose a lot by cheating. One of the most controversial decisions in the history of the UVA Honor Committee came last spring, when fourth-year student Jason Smith was found guilty of lying about an assignment in a pass/fail one-credit course. It resulted in his expulsion.

“The Jason Smith case was sobering,” says Sam Beaver, a UVA junior and former Honor Committee support officer. “It just goes to remind you that any little thing can come back to haunt you.”

"Helicopter" Parents

helicopter-parentWe’ve all heard the term: helicopter parents. There isn’t one of us alive that wants to have that title attached to our behavior. But a recent study shows that a high level of parental involvement correlates with a positive college experience. A new student poll, conducted by the College Board and The Art and Science Group, LLC stated:

College-bound high school seniors are generally satisfied with the current level of their parents’ involvement in the college search process. But nearly 30 percent want more, not less, parental involvement, a figure that jumps to over 40 percent among students with lower SAT scores and household incomes.

chart02

To some degree, these findings appear to defy recent media reporting and other anecdotal evidence about “helicopter parents,” in particular the perception of a rising level of intrusive and alarming behavior.

There is evidence that indicates that parents should take more, rather than less interest in their children’s education. The Harvard Family Research Project found that teens whose parents play an active role do better in school and are more likely to enroll in college. Many parents tend to be less active during middle and high school, however.

Should there be a healthy balance? Of course. Parents should respect the fact that their teens are maturing and growing toward independence. Teens need practice making their own decisions, the freedom to make mistakes, and the chance to learn about consequences.

As I’ve mentioned previously, a parent’s role should be that of a coach. You are there to provide structure, advice and encouragement. Work with your teen as a team and help them stay organized. But let them take the lead and own the process.

Read the complete study:

Student Poll

Take the “Helicopter Parents” quiz:

Quiz

Career planning tips for parents of teens

options-susan-pOur guest blog post today is by Susan Posluszny, the founder of OPTIONS for Career & Life Planning, specializing in unique programs and services to support students with college major and career planning. Susan is a Master Career Counselor with over 25 years of career counseling experience including 18 years as a college career center director. She is the author of In Search of a College Major & Career Direction, an interactive program designed to support teens and young adults with choosing a college major and career path.Her career counseling and coaching practice is located in New Boston, NH. Subscribe to Susan’s e-newsletter, Career Options, at www.collegesandmajors.com

Think Big Picture

It’s common to overly focus on the details:  Which ‘one’ major should I pick?  Which ‘one’ career should I pursue?  Yet, research studies show that it’s common for students (and adults) to shift direction over time as they explore, grow, and change.  What to do?  Get your student to identify their top 2 – 3 academic and career interests and then explore ways to simultaneously prepare for and reality test more than one interest.  Sound impossible?  Not at all.  Careful selection of academic courses and career exploration strategies (job shadowing, internships, career related employment or volunteer experience) will do it.  Be sure to spread these efforts out over time so as not to overload.

Discard Outdated Notions of ‘Job Security’

Job security in the form of long term employment with one employer in exchange for dedication and hard work is long gone.  Instead, shifts in the work world have been moving towards project based work and ways to match individual interests and skills to marketplace needs.  Don’t expect selection of the ‘right school’, the ‘right degree’, or the ‘right career’ to provide guarantees of post graduation employment or career success.  Today’s students will need to take charge of their own career development in order to ensure a sense of ’employment security’ for themselves.

Consider Career Interests Relative to College Loan Debt

According to the College Board, the average debt for a Bachelor’s degree was $23,200 in 2007-2008.  an individual student’s loan debt can vary significantly from this figure but the bottom line is that many students are feeling pressured to pursue academic and career choices that will allow them to pay off their loans…even if these choices don’t particularly interest or excite them.  So, how about your student?  Will college loan debt drive your student’s college major and career decisions?  If so, it’s as if your student is working for the financial institution.  Help your student to identify their top career interests and to explore creative options for pursuing career preferences while owning one’s financial reality.  Do all that you can to help your student avoid limiting future options by taking on too much debt.

Explore Career Preferences Prior to Choosing a College Major

Many students choose a college major first and then determine their career choice based on their chosen major.  This is a no brainer when a major is directly linked to a career field (nursing, education, engineering, etc.) but this approach has its limits.  First, it doesn’t work so well with majors that cover broad interest areas like English or Business Administration.  Second, many students end up pursuing career interests totally unrelated to their majors.  While it can be helpful for students to consider academic subjects that interest them when choosing a college major/career, it’s also valuable to explore your career interests  Once key career interest themes are identified, research to see if these interests have specific college major requirements.  Chances are that there’s quite a bit of flexibility with academic choices relative to career pursuits.

Copyright, Susan B. Posluszny, OPTIONS for Career & Life Planning LLC

If you would like to contact Susan or find out more information about the services she provides, you can contact her at:

Her websites: www.careeroptions4me.com and www.collegesandmajors.com

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/susanposluszny

Email:  susan@careeroptions4me.com

The Happiest Kid on Campus…

…A Parents Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for you and your child!)

by Harlan Cohen, a bestselling author (The Naked Roommate), nationally syndicated advice columnist and professional speaker who has visited over 300 college campuses.

This is an advance review of Harlan’s new book scheduled to come out in May 2010.

I just finished reading an advance copy of The Happiest Kid on Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for you and your child!). It was like taking a trip down memory lane with both my kids and their college experiences. If only this book had been written eight years ago when I sent my daughter off to college, I might have avoided many sleepless nights, worried moments, and confusing dilemmas during those tumultuous four years. My favorite quote from the book: “Life (and college) is 90 percent amazing and 10 percent difficult.” It’s the 10 percent difficult that Harlan Cohen addresses in his book. And it’s that 10 percent difficult that ALL parents need to be prepared to deal with.

This book answers those nagging parental questions:

  • Will my child be safe?
  • How much should I be involved and where should I draw the line?
  • How do I help my child adapt to living away from home and getting along with others?
  • Is it OK to ask questions?
  • How much contact from home  is too much and how do I set boundaries?
  • What do I do when they call home with a crisis?
  • How do I talk to my child about sex, drugs, alcohol, academics, Greek life, roommates and getting involved?

Harlan uses tips and stories from students and parents to show us real-life college experiences. While doing that, he covers all the topics from the summer before college, to moving day, to the first few months, to parents weekends. He discusses controversial topics like drinking, sex, eating disorders, and even campus safety, offering parents direction and advice on how to discuss and handle them if and when they arise. He gets you up to speed on texting, Facebook and Twitter and discusses how to use them to stay informed and involved in your college student’s life without being intrusive.

On a personal note, while I was reading this book I was transported back to the early days of college when my daughter and I experienced so many of the college dilemmas Harlan discussed: overpacking for freshman year; dealing with a disagreeable and annoying roommate; living with her friends and regretting it; hazing during sorority rush; the freshman 15; struggling with certain classes and surviving; wanting to transfer because of a boyfriend; getting involved and finding her place. He addresses EVERY college dilemma with advice from his own experiences, other parents, students and college professionals.

If you’re a parent of a college-bound teen, you should pick up a copy of this book BEFORE your teen heads off to college. It will prepare you for their years in college and give you that peace of mind knowing that everything you are faced with is all part of the college experience. You’ll worry less, sleep more, and ensure that you and your child have an amazing college experience.

Top 5 Test Prep Sites

Your college-bound teen MUST do some sort of test prep. It will improve their scores and give them confidence when they take the test. Preparation and familiarization with the test and its formulas will give them an edge over the students who choose not to prepare.

Here are my recommendations for test prep sites:

elizabethonline

1. TutorsForTestPrep–Elizabeth writes a blog that gives some great tips and discusses the nuances of the tests. She takes the test herself every year and is familiar with its content and knows how to help your teen improve their scores. Read what Elizabeth said about her services:

Outsmarting the SAT

wordnerd

2. WordNerd–Sheldon walks your teen through practice tests, smart sets (words that go together), study roots (prefixes and suffixes) and gives a “nerd” word of the day. This is a good practice site to improve vocabulary. Read Sheldon’s advice on SAT prep:

Creating an SAT Study Plan

mindfish

3. MindFishYour teen can play an SAT test game to help them master skills and you can dialogue with test prep and admissions professionals and other interested parents.

collegeboardsattestprep

4. CollegeBoard SAT Test Prep–The College Boards FREE test prep site for the SAT with practice tests, question of the day and sample practice questions.

allenprep

5. AllenPrep–Get an Ipod/Itouch/Iphone App here for just $9.99 and your teen can use it to improve their SAT vocabulary. They also provide testing software and offer a 2-day FREE trial to check it out.