Category Archives: Wednesdays parent

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Pushing Buttons

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_______________________________

pushing buttonsKids, especially teens, know exactly how to push your buttons. It might be back talk, or constant complaining or eye-rolling, but whatever the behavior, nearly every parent will experience the tactic of pushing buttons.

Instead of giving my own advice on this topic, I’ve taken from two sources that should help you see both sides of the coin and perhaps help you deal with this inevitable conflict.

Top 10 Teenager Button Pushing Tactics (from AlternativetoCounseling.com)

1. “You never let me do anything.”

This statement invites the parents to point out specific times that they have let the teenager do what he or she wanted. This forces the parent off the real issue at that moment and gives the adolescent the upper hand in the discussion.

2. “You don’t love me.”

This statement is intended to induce guilt and make the parents question their self-worth. Unfortunately, many parents take this bait instead of recognizing that asking the adolescent to do something they do not like had nothing to do with love.

3. “I hate you” or “You’re a liar/bad parent”.

These statements are meant to get the parents to lose their tempers through personal character attacks. This clouds the parents’ thought process and limits their ability to effectively enforce consequences.

4. “You’re not my real mother/father. I don’t have to listen to you.”

This statement really unnerves stepparents but rarely is about the parent not being a biological one. It is merely another tactic designed to get the parent flustered and angry so that the real issue is not addressed..

5. A disgusted look, improper gesture or whiny voice.

Body language, gestures and tone of voice are some of the most powerful tools an adolescent may use to play with someone’s emotions. Unfortunately, if the parents respond to these barbs by losing control of their emotion, it gives the adolescent a great deal of power as he or she now knows how to get under his parent’s skins.

6. Finding you most vulnerable area and preying on it.

Adolescents have an uncanny ability to find the areas that bug each parent the most and apply pressure to that area. For example, some adolescents will intentionally keep their room messy because of their mothers’ emphasis on cleanliness. Again, this behavior is not a personal attack but just clever way of throwing the parent off balance.

7. “I’m gonna kill/hurt you/myself/others.”

These statements are meant to scare the parents so that they will back off and remove pressure from the adolescent. Teenagers usually use threats of violence as a last resort when nothing else had worked.

8. “I’m gonna lie, lie, lie.”

Lying is a pet peeve of most parents and one the teenager knows will get them to emotionally lose control so that he can win, win, win. Parents do not like lying and will often lose control of their emotions quickly when they catch the teenager in a lie.

9. “I hate school.”

Most parents value education so this statement invites a lecture on how the teenager is throwing away his future. Teenagers normally cannot see past tomorrow so they do not see failing school as a problem in the immediate future. However, they do know that education is important to the parent and how to use it to their advantage.

10. “I’m going to leave/run away.”

This statement gets parents to back off from exerting their authority because they fear what might happen if the adolescent runs away and is living on the streets. Adolescents know this and use this statement as an effective tool to paralyze their parents from taking action or enforcing a rule or consequence.

7 Ways parents push adolescents’ buttons (from BridgeYouth.org)

1. Preaching or Using Clichés

It is easy to want to use your own experiences as examples when talking to your kids. However, this will cause them to shut down. Phrases such as, “when I was your age” or “if all your friends jumped off a cliff…” should be avoided.

 2. Talking in Chapters

Try to keep your responses to your child brief. If they ask if they should do something, reply with ‘yes’. If you follow up with more statements, they may become angry or tune you out.

 3. Labeling 

Saying that your adolescent “always” does something can be dangerous. If you say your child is always late, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 4. Futurizing

“Futurizing” is when you talk about your adolescent’s future in a negative context. Examples include, “you’ll never go to college” or “you won’t be able to get a job with that attitude”.

 5. Instant Problem Solving 

Adolescents do not want you to solve their problems! Although it is natural to want to help out your teenager.  Often times they just want you to listen and understand.

6. Questioning the Teenager’s Restlessness and Discontent

Parents make the situation worse when they ask their teen unanswerable questions such as, “What is the matter with you?” or “What’s gotten into you?”. Teenagers are often restless and unhappy for no reason at all-it’s part of being a teenager. Try to accept the behavior in a supporting way unless it extends over a long period of time.

7. Not Tolerating Experimental Behavior

Tolerating behavior and accepting behavior are two totally different things. As your teen struggles to find their identity, they may experiment with various hairstyles and clothing. Express your disapproval once and then let it drop. If you continue to express your unhappiness, a power struggle may develop leading them to rebel even further. Save your energy for the bigger battles.

8. Collecting Criticism

Even though it may seem like your child does not care about your opinion, they do. Parents’ insults and criticism cut deeper and might take years to heal. Avoid rehashing past events or keeping a “mental scorecard” on past behavior problems. Focus of what is occurring in the present.

Admit it, you’ve either experienced those manipulative teen tactics, or you’ve dished out some of your own. Recognizing them should help with future button pushing. Or at the very least, you won’t feel like you’re the only one!

Check out Wendy’s blog: Button pusher’s resistance guide to parenting

social networks, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent–Social Media: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________________

social media

Social media—it’s become a part of our lives. Watch any television show and you will see Twitter hashtags attached to them. Students are using Twitter as an online hangout and Instagram to post their photos. Parents have joined the fray be embracing Facebook and Pinterest.  It looks like social media is here to stay. As a parent, you should know about the good, the bad, and the ugly of social media.

The Good

Who hasn’t found a long lost friend on Facebook? Or connected with other parents on Twitter? Or used LinkedIn to network with potential employers? Social media has its benefits. It’s a simple way to communicate with one another using technology and social media platforms. It’s no wonder that its popularity has increased over the last decade.

The Bad

There are those who wish to abuse the availability of information. They cyber stalk you; post negative comments and rants on your social media accounts; and harass you on Twitter. When this happens, the negative aspect of readily available information rears its head. You’ve been punked. Not to mention the fact that everything you post is there for the world to see, because Google never forgets. Pictures, comments and tweets go out into cyberspace to be read and evaluated long after you ever posted them. That means that colleges, potential employers, and anyone doing research on you will have access.

The Ugly

All kinds of predators hang out on social media. From crooks, to sexual deviates, to bullies and even jilted spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends. They use social media to gather information about you, steal from you, and even perpetrate fraud against you. They can defame your name and turn others against you, all with a few keystrokes.

How do you protect yourself and your child? Know about privacy settings and online security. Research each site’s privacy settings and use them to your advantage. Protect your financial information, your personal information, and your reputation by doing a Google search and setting up an alert for your name. Your child now lives in a world where information is readily available using technology at their fingertips. Protect them in cyberspace just as you do in real life.

Read Wendy’s (POCSMom) post: Social Media Makeover

 

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Do you appreciate your college-bound teen?

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________________

appreciationWe drum it into our kid’s heads that they need to appreciate all of the gifts they have been given: a good home, a strong family, parents who love them and support their college aspirations. But how do we show them appreciation and how do we let them know they are valuable?

The simple answer is—tell them. Telling them is important; but they need to see that you value them in your actions, and the college process is the best time to bring it home. Recognizing that they will be leaving you shortly to embark on a collegiate adventure makes it even more imperative that your teen know that you appreciate them.

Employees like their bosses to show appreciation with tangible rewards. It communicates value and the idea that they have done a good job. Why not adapt that policy with your college-bound teen? Just as employees respond to encouragement, teenagers do as well.

Here are five ways you can show them you appreciate them during the college prep process with small rewards:

1.   Catch them doing something right and tell them so.

When you see them taking charge of the college prep process, let them know you appreciate the fact that they are taking responsibility and making good decisions.

2. When a difficult task is completed celebrate.

When their applications are complete, take them out to dinner and celebrate their accomplishment.

3. Send them a simple “text” of encouragement.

Since texting is the preferred form of communication, just a simple, “I’m proud of you”, or “good job” communicates that you appreciate them and their efforts to become an independent adult.

4. Brag about them to others.

Not in an obnoxious way, but in a way that shows them how proud you are of their accomplishments. Everyone likes to be praised.

5. Surprise them with a special reward.

If they win a scholarship, ace an AP test, or even study for the SAT, give them an unexpected reward. It could be something as simple as a gift card to their favorite store or cooking their favorite dessert.

These five simple ways communicate to your college-bound teen that you appreciate them and their hard work to prepare for college. And here’s a bonus: when your teen feels appreciated, they will continue to excel in everything they do. It’s a win-win for both of you!

Read Wendy’s post: 3 Simple steps to appreciation

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: The Apathetic Generation

2 Comments

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

______________________________

citizenship

The Apathetic Generation

Prior to the first Obama presidential election, young adults simply didn’t vote. It’s perplexing to those of us that couldn’t wait to vote when we turned 18. I recall long lines at the polls for the 1972 and 1976 presidential elections.

The New Republic examined voting trends among young people prior to the 2012 election:

It has long been a puzzle why so many young adults do not vote—and why their already low voting rate has generally fallen over the decades. In 1972, 53 percent of 18-to-29-year-olds went to the polls. By 2000, the figure had fallen to just 36 percent, a historic low. (In contrast, the voting rate among people aged 65 or older rose five percentage points during those years, to 68 percent.) There is no doubt that the Obama campaign of 2008 energized the under-30 crowd, boosting their voting rate to 46 percent. But even then, fewer than half of 18-to-29-year-olds went to the polls compared with more than two-thirds of people aged 65 or older, according to the Census Bureau.

Man on the street reports from various news and entertainment programs underscore the fact that today’s youth are ill-informed and uninvolved in matters of citizenship. Why is this happening and what can parents do to change the tide?

Lack of citizenship is an American epidemic

Increasingly, we are not living up to our responsibilities as citizens.

  • Voting is one of our most important and visible responsibilities as citizens. Yet, fewer than 45% of registered voters and 35% of eligible voters usually vote.
  • Most Americans try to get out of jury duty.
  • Community service is often seen as a once or twice a year activity

Each nation faces economic, social, environmental, security, educational, legal, and health challenges. The solutions to these challenges are most effective when a great number of citizens are involved in making them. Too many good people do nothing. Edmond Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.”

What is citizenship?

President Kennedy challenged us, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” Unfortunately, since then, our view of citizenship has become skewed. We look more at our rights than our responsibilities. When individuals or special interest groups want something, they claim it is their right. And, we expect the government to take on what should be our responsibilities.

Most Americans see citizenship as voting, jury duty and occasional community service. Keeping democracy strong demands much more. We as citizens must be vigilant and involved. We must each make small sacrifices every day by doing simple, yet powerful citizen actions.

How can you teach your kids to be good citizens?

As I stated earlier, citizenship is more than voting. It’s being involved in your local community, your state and in the government processes. If you teach your children at an early age to be good citizens, they will carry those lessons on into adulthood.

Try these simple activities to teach them to be good citizens:

  • Teach them about this country’s heritage

Teach them about why and how we became a nation,about the basic principles and documents upon which the country was founded,about what it took to achieve today’s standard of living, about the mistakes we’ve made and, about the individuals and events that have played major roles in shaping the country.

Teaching our children about the country’s heritage is important because they know no other way of life. It took enormous courage, loss of life, pain, mistakes, hard work and risk to get here. Our children need to be made aware that they are going to be the custodians of this country and be taught how to do that well.

  • Teach them about the democratic process

If your children see that you’re involved in the process, you are setting a good example for them as they become adults. If you degrade the process and refuse to vote, you are teaching them that it doesn’t matter who is in charge or that you can make a difference in this democracy.

We make the “of the people” part happen by running for public office;  we make the “by the people” part happen by doing the things needed to elect our best to public office; and we make the “for the people” part happen by doing those things that keep us educated on important issues, that keep elected officials aware of our points of view, and that enforce our laws.  The democratic process is not a methodology, but a way of living that keeps our country strong.

  • Support groups that keep our country strong

Teaching your children to respect these groups that contribute to the strength of our democracy encourages them to be a good citizen. Law enforcement, firemen, elected officials, the military and even teachers are groups who are supported to keep the country strong. If you support these groups, your children will learn by your example.

  • Teach them to understand the government and how it works

This begins on the local level and goes up to the federal government. As citizens, it is critical that we understand what our governments are doing and how they are working so we can make sure they don’t take on more power and responsibilities than we gave them and that they carrying out the powers we did give them effectively.

  • Promote a sense of community

Our country is really a community of communities.  A sense of community and of belonging are something most of us need and want. In today’s mobile society, we have become detached to our communities. Neighbors rarely speak and communities rarely rally around one another unless there’s a crisis. Taking pride in your community and becoming involved in the community can be demonstrated by such simple acts as picking up trash, giving blood, start a neighborhood watch, volunteer at local organizations, and recycle.

  • Strengthen the family

It is often said, and usually true, that the whole is greater than the sum of the individual pieces.  In the case of a country, it is equally true that the stronger the families and individuals, the stronger the country.  Involve your children in activities that promote citizenship and community involvement. Encourage your family members to volunteer during the holidays, give to others, and pay it forward when possible.

Check out Wendy’s article , “Will your child be a good citizen?”

 

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: 8 Tips for building self-esteem

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________

8 Tips for building self-esteem

self-esteemIn psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about the self, such as the appraisal of one’s own appearance, beliefs, emotions and behaviors.

In high esteem families positive ramifications occur. The better family members feel about themselves, the better they treat each other, the better they get treated in return, the better off everyone tends to become. In high esteem families, relationships can become mutually affirming. Members seem more inclined to bring out the best in each other, not the worst.

Teens with high self-esteem tend to be more confident and successful in their pursuit of excellence. But how do you build self-esteem in your children?

1. Start at an early age

If you begin early to build your child’s self-esteem, they will be equipped to face rejection from others and peer pressure during the teen years. A child with low self-esteem will struggle with feelings of insecurity and often depression when faced with these teenage roadblocks.

2. Praise and encourage generously

Too often we focus on what our kids haven’t done or haven’t done right.  Tune in to the positive things your teen has accomplished and offer specific praise.  When praising, include compliments for their efforts as well. If you heap it on too thick, many teens will feel you’re paying them lip service and you’ll defeat the whole purpose of pumping them up.  Be generous, but don’t lay it on for every single good thing they do.

3. Set boundaries and teach consequences

Clear rules communicate the value that you have for your child, and when your children know they are valued, this is the first building block of self-esteem. All children need boundaries, especially teenagers. Establish firm rules and expectations that fit your family’s lifestyle and values.  For example, if you expect your child to do specific household chores, explain clearly to him why this is important. Make it understood that you expect this to be done regularly and outline consequences that will follow if it isn’t.

4. Give constructive criticism when necessary

No one likes to be told they didn’t do something right, particularly if it is done in anger.  Choose how you criticize your impressionable teen wisely.  If your son fails his algebra test, don’t say something sarcastic like “Well, if you had studied for this test instead of playing video games, this never would’ve happened.” Instead, use a concerned tone and say, “It looks like you had some trouble with that math test.  Let’s set up a time to study this week before the next test?”  And never criticize in front of their peers.

5. Leave communication lines open

Teenagers like to be self-sufficient and want us to believe that they have everything under control—but that doesn’t mean that as parents we needn’t keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Find easy ways of communicating with your teen such as: on the drive to school, when they are getting dressed in the mornings, and during family dinners.

One parent started a communication tool called the “Love Mom” journals for each of her kids when they started middle school.  Each of her older children has a notebook that they keep in their bedrooms. This is a “safe place” for them to mention anything that might be on their mind. They have expressed simple things such as what kind of sneakers they would like to get to something more personal such as being embarrassed that they have dandruff.  They go back and forth exchanging quick comments in the book and it truly only takes a few minutes each week.

6. Give them opportunities to make their own decisions

Nothing builds self-esteem more than letting them make their own decisions. Allow your teens, especially to participate in family decisions. Encourage them to make decisions about their friends, their classes, and finally the college they want to attend. The more decisions they make, the more confident they become in themselves and their ability to live as an independent adult.

7. Don’t depend on “things” to raise their self esteem

We’ve all known parents who give their children everything they ask for in an effort to fit in with their peers. But is this the best way to build your teen’s self esteem?

Psychology Today brings up an interesting point:

If you want to teach your child to be a superficial being that is completely dependent on others (peers, marketers, even parents) to tell them they have self-worth, then go for it. Buy them every latest hot new fashion you can find. Dress them up like their favorite rock star, and spend a small fortune on padding their fragile self-esteem. But have no illusion this is good for your child. It may make us parents feel more secure, like we’re protecting our children from name calling, but it won’t help our kids grow up to feel good about themselves inside.

8. Encourage their individual talents

Most of us have dreams for our kids even before they are born, but just because you took a specific path in life, it doesn’t mean your child will want to follow you.  If your teen has an obvious interest or talent, despite the fact that it isn’t something you would choose or do, learn more about why she is passionate about it and encourage her to pursue that interest.  If your child knows you support her, she is apt to be much more successful and will feel confident and more secure in her decisions.

 Read Wendy’s blog–Self Esteem: College Style

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Straight Talk about Peer Pressure

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________

Straight Talk about Peer Pressure

peer pressure

If your friend jumped off a bridge would you do it? 

This is a classic parental adage. I can’t count how many times my parents uttered that statement to me. My childhood consisted of daily reprehensible acts that I’m sure made my mother cringe in terror. I took every dare or challenge, even if it required any physical risk of life or limb. Oddly enough, I never broke a bone. I have many scares from cuts and scrapes, but never took a trip to any emergency room. Danger was exhilarating to me and I found pleasure in the simple acts of childhood defiance.

It seemed only fair that God would bless me with children who followed in my footsteps. My son was born with the same spirit of defiance. As a child, he was always “jumping off that bridge” and taking others with him. If it was dangerous, he was up for it. One hot summer day I came home from work to find him and some friends skateboarding off the roof into an above ground swimming pool. For months we had been trying to discern the cause of numerous indentations in the pool liner causing leaks. He had been doing this all summer long and crashing his skateboard into the bottom of the pool as he came off the roof. It did not even occur to him that this might be dangerous or risky. One of his friends had suggested they try it and he was more than willing to give it a shot.

My daughter, for most of her life, stood back and watched. She did very little “jumping off of bridges” until her last few years of high school. It was at this point that she decided to literally jump off her first bridge. One summer night, while driving to the beach with friends, they decided to stop on a bridge that crosses over an island with a small channel that passes from the Gulf of Mexico to the intercoastal canal. Apparently it was a common practice among teenagers to do this because there was a sign posted warning against it. That didn’t stop my daughter. She jumped off that bridge that night and continued to take dangerous risks all through her college years.

As parents it is our natural instinct to protect our children from danger. At a young age, we caution them about looking both ways before they cross the street. When they get older, we teach them to ride bicycles and warn them of the dangers of riding at night without reflectors. During their teenage years, our greatest fear is that they will get into the car with a reckless or drunk teen driver. And in college, we’re afraid they will do something to put their lives in jeopardy because they are impaired by alcohol. These peer pressures keep parents up at night and even the most stalwart of heart frightened.

If they don’t want to play with you, then find some other friends

When my kids were younger, I must have said this at least once a week. The simple fact is that kids can be cruel. They don’t care about hurting your kid’s feelings or making them cry. And a group of kids can be even crueler. Sadly, I have found that these same kids grow up to be teens and later adults. Those same kids that tortured you as a child continue to torture people as adults. It doesn’t matter what their groups are called: cliques, “the in-crowd”, fraternities, “junior league”, society, power circle, the “rich and famous”, or even the cool ones. They exclude the ones who are not like them.

What can you do about these “friends” that don’t want to play with you? The real question for me is why do you want to play with them at all? Why would anyone want to be that shallow, opinionated, callous, uncaring and insensitive? Why would anyone want to be accepted into a group that sets its values as money, power, prestige and the right address? You can strive your entire life to be accepted by these people, but when push comes to shove, they will never be friends. They let you play with them when it’s convenient or beneficial for them. They will never sacrifice any of their needs, wants or desires to meet you halfway or even try and see things from your point of view. They will never change. They have been that way since they were children and will continue to set their values and goals as they relate to the group they belong to.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to find some new “friends”. Find some friends that have the same values as you. Find some friends that are kind to those around them. Find some friends that sacrifice and give for others. Find some friends that speak to you in love and compassion, not judgment and condemnation. Quite frankly, this group is much larger than the ones who don’t play fair.

What’s a parent to do?

Unfortunately, you can’t keep your kids in a cocoon and protect them from themselves or their friends. And you can’t spend your whole life worrying about what they are doing with they are not with you. You can teach them basic survival skills and instill in them moral values. You can help them choose friends that don’t “jump off bridges”. You can give them every opportunity to take supervised risks so they will be less likely to take the dangerous kind.

When they come to you and ask to do something because “all their friends are doing it”, be a wise parent and don’t reach for the closest parental adage. Explain to them your reasons for concern and reaffirm your love for them. Make sure they aren’t giving in to peer pressure. Have them give you their reasons for wanting to go on a 5-day unsupervised trip to Mexico. After both sides have stated their cases, it is your responsibility as a parent to make the proper decision. Your kids may balk and scream and say they hate you forever. They may storm out of the room and slam the door when you tell them no. But even though you didn’t say it, you know that just because their friends “jump off bridges”, it doesn’t mean they have to follow.

Note: This is an excerpt from my book: Biscuits Taste Best with Chocolate Sauce (or Because I’m the Mother). Soon to be published in 2014.

For Wendy’s take on Peer Pressure, read her blog as well.

admissions, college guidance, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Tips to help with application stress

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

______________

application stress

5 Tips to Help with Application Stress

A study conducted in 2010 of high school and college students found that “five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety as youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era. Students themselves point to everything from pressure to succeed — self-imposed and otherwise — to a fast-paced world that’s only sped up by the technology they love so much.”

If they were to do the same study today, I would imagine they would find the level of stress and pressure students feel has escalated. There is no greater stress than application stress. Every component breeds stress: standardized tests, GPAs, the essay, and even the recommendation letters. It’s no wonder students are feeling the stress when they start the application process.

As a parent, it’s difficult for you to watch the stress levels increase as it gets closer to application time. And when stress levels increase with your student, the family stress goes up as well.

Following are 5 tips to help with application stress:

Preparation prevents panic

I used to tell my kids that I worked best under pressure. It may be true but with the pressure came added stress. As with any task, preparation removes the stress and allows you and your student to avoid the panic that ensues and causes stress.

Get help before you need it

Before senior year, do your research. If you find there are some questions that you need answered or some help with the overwhelming amount of components in the application, get help. Help is available online and a good bit of it is either free or at a minimal cost. There are also other parents who are going through this or have been through it before and are willing to help. Ask for help–don’t flounder around when help is available.

Stay organized

Organization is key when tackling the college application. Look at the college sites and the Common App site for a list of application components. Gather all the necessary documents before starting and keep them in one place (either on the computer or in a folder). Use calendars, to-do lists, and emails to keep all the documents organized. Once your student starts with the application they should be able to complete it easily.

Continue reading Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Tips to help with application stress →

college visits, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: College Visits from the Trenches

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_____________________-

college visitsAutumn leaves signal the beginning of fall (for those lucky enough to live in a state where the leaves change color) and the beginning of college visits. For juniors it’s time to start the process. For seniors, it’s time to visit again and narrow down the college list. What better way to kick off the season than to give some “past parent” experiential advice and draw from the stories I’ve heard from others. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee and exhale. You’re in for a wild ride.

You’re going on a nice visit to some colleges. You’ve done your homework and you’ve planned several within driving distance of each other. You’re proud of yourself and you know that your kid is going to fall in love with at least one of them. You’re all decked out for the college tours (dressed to not get noticed or embarrass him) and you’re ready to listen and let your kid ask the questions. Sounds like a perfect trip–adventure and information gathering all at the same time.

But your kid forgot to read the notes. He’s nonchalant about the whole thing and acts disinterested in the car as you are driving towards the first college. What happens after this disrupts your mojo and you begin to wonder if an alien isn’t inhabiting your kid’s body.

The skeptic

Before you even get out 0f the car your kid announces that he’s just not feeling it. Don’t even attempt to decipher what that means because it’s impossible to understand. You’ve driven (or flown) to go to a college he had on a list and now he’s just not feeling it. Bench your anger, take a deep breath and get out of the car. You’ve come all this way and you’re going to visit the college. In the best of worlds he will get out with you. In the worst of worlds he’ll stay in the car. There’s not much you can do with an obstinate teenager; it’s best to move on.

The architect

And yet another alien appears. You’re walking around campus and your kid announces that he doesn’t like how it looks. Never mind that he’s not going to college for the buildings or the landscaping. He’s going for the academics. But for some reason his blinders aren’t allowing him to see anything but the buildings and no amount of pointing out the pluses is going to change his mind.

The critic

You’re walking around campus and your kid announces that the students don’t seem friendly. Mind you he’s probably not even spoken to any of them and it’s a good bet he didn’t like the tour guide. Don’t try to convince him otherwise because the more you say, the less likely he’ll come around. Just wait until a cute girl approaches him. He’ll change his tune quickly.

The panic-stricken

You get back into the car after your last visit and he announces, “I’m not sure I want to go to college”. Don’t panic. He’s just realized the whole thing is real and he’s terrified. Give him some time to think it through and tomorrow he’ll most likely change his mind again. The worst thing you can do is draw a hard line in the sand now because his feelings are likely to go up and down like a roller coaster over the next few months (or years).

What’s a parent to do?

Even though your kid wants you to treat him as an adult, he’s still a teenager. His emotions are all over the place and this next step in his life is frightening. Remember that college is largely an emotional decision and you should expect that emotions will play into that decision. When the dust settles and the emotions clear, he will make a decision based on all the factors, including his campus visits. After all, you don’t want him to attend a college he just isn’t feeling and you don’t want him to make a decision and leave out the emotional factor. He’s going to spend the next four years of his life at this school. It will become his second home and it’s important that he likes where he is.

Before the college visits start resolve to be flexible. Your lives will be less stressful and the college application experience will be more exciting. And in the end, your kid will move on to the next phase in his life–college.

For another look at college visits, check out Wendy’s blog: Collegecation.

 

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Parent-Teacher Communication

2 Comments

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing!

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_____________________________

parent teacher communicationParent-teacher communication tends to wane after the student enters high school. Parents become less involved and teachers become apathetic because of the lack of parent involvement.

When my daughter was in high school she was struggling with her Physics class. She was an A student, aspiring to college, and panicked about her recent test grades in that course. I called the teacher to set up a conference. She sounded shocked on the phone and I wondered why. When I met with her she said I was the first parent that had ever called her to discuss a student’s progress. She also told me that parents rarely show up for parent/teacher nights in high school.

I explained to her my concern and my daughter’s concern about her low grades because she was working toward a high GPA for college applications. Again, I saw shock in her face. “Few students in this school worry about their GPA or going to college”, she said. I, in turn, was shocked. To make a long story short, she scheduled private tutoring sessions for my daughter and explained the material to her at a level she could understand. The result–an A in Physics.

What can parents learn from this experience?

It’s obvious–communicate with your student’s teachers on a regular basis.

Following are excerpts from articles about the parent-teacher relationship. Read the suggestions carefully and apply the techniques provided on each site the next time you meet with your student’s teacher.

Noodle Education posted an article on the top 5 questions to ask at a parent-teacher conference:

1. How will you assess what my child knows? How does the school use the information garnered from standardized testing? Does it inform their teaching? Assist them in identifying students who may need help?

2. What’s the best way to communicate with teachers and administrators?

3. How can I stay on top of my child’s homework?

4. What’s support is available if my child is struggling academically?

5. When and how does my child get supervision?

More4Kids gives 5 tips for having effective parent and teacher communication:

1. First, it is important to understand that parent and teacher communication is intended to benefit the child’s overall success academically.

2. While the numeric scores will outline a child’s level of achievement on tests and other assignments, it is important to realize that a numeric score is also beneficial in identifying a child’s weaknesses.

3. Many parents make the mistake of sitting back and allowing a teacher to come to them with issues.

4. It is important to sign up as a volunteer in your child’s classroom and ensure that you visit their class often.

5. It is important to understand that parent/teacher conferences may not always be appropriate as far as time is concerned.

PBS Parents talks about the importance of the parent-teacher partnership:

1. Approach this relationship with respect.

2. Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher.

3. Try not to brag.

4. Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers.

Parent-teacher breakdowns

If you neglect the relationship, you are hindering your student academically. An uninvolved parent is the worst type of parent to be. Even more so than the helicopter parent. And uninvolved teacher communicates lack of concern and an inability to connect with parents and students to promote learning.

Step up

If you haven’t talked with your student’s teacher and/or teachers set the date. If you don’t attend parent’s night, change that behavior. If you are the type of parent that won’t accept honest evaluations from the teacher, listen the next time you meet with him/her and ask for suggestions to help.

Parents who value parent-teacher communication are parents of students who have a successful high school experience. Think of it as teaming up with the teacher to help your student excel academically. It’s never too late to get involved.

 Check out Wendy’s blog on the parent-teacher relationship

test prep, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Surviving Standardized Tests

1 Comment

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing!

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

___________________

sat stressStandardized tests. Those two words or their acronyms are yelled, and screeched and treated with disdain in every college-bound household. Those two words cause fights, stressful days and nights, frustration over the teen’s lack of commitment, and absolute terror in the hearts of most college-bound teens. Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes taking tests.

Unfortunately for all of us, colleges use those tests to not only measure a student’s academic achievements, but to determine whether or not the student will be able to handle the rigorous academics of college. Whether your teen is taking the SAT, ACT, AP tests, or SAT subject tests it’s a given that fights will erupt. To quote a line from one of my favorite movies (The Devil Wears Prada), GIRD YOUR LOINS!

Parent Expectations

Parents expect their student to study hard, take practice tests, bone up on their vocabulary and prepare for the tests. They pay for tutors, use flash cards to drill them, and do just about anything to motivate them to do their best. Why? Because we know that the standardized tests will affect their college offers of admission.

But does any of this work? Not if your student isn’t invested in the game. I’ve talked to SAT tutors who tell stories of students barely paying attention, not trying and having a lackadaisical attitude about the test prep. All the test prep in the world won’t help if your student doesn’t see the value of preparation. You know  your student and you know what motivates them. Test preparation is just like any other activity–if they see the value of excelling, they will do their best.

Nancy Berk, author of College Bound and Gagged, sums up parent anxiety over standardized tests:

 

Student Expectations

If you don’t think your student is stressed about these tests, think again. Even the best students worry and fret about their scores. They have heard all throughout high school that the standardized test scores will make a difference on their college applications. Good scores = safety schools. Great scores = dream colleges. They know without you telling them the value of these tests.

Odds are, your student puts more pressure on themselves than you do. They may not show it and you may not see it but it’s there. Because they are stressed already, your stress level can make it even worse. They don’t want to disappoint you; they want you to be proud. If they sense you are anxious and interpret that as lack of faith in their ability, it makes it difficult for them to focus on the test.

What can you do to help? Remain calm and encourage them when you see them trying. Let them know that you expect them to do well but there’s no pressure on your part; test day will be much easier for them (and you).

College Expectations

Colleges, even if they say they don’t, use the standardized tests as a factor when considering students for admission. However, it’s not the only factor they use. Students with less than stellar test scores but stellar applications, often gain admission to their first choice college. Standardized tests are important, but they are not the most important component of the application. Colleges are looking for well-rounded students, not just brainiacs.

Putting too much pressure on the student to score high on these tests clouds the application process. In order to focus on the entire process, it’s best if parents and students look at the big picture. That means the essay, their academic record and their accomplishments play an integral roll in the application, just as the standardized test scores.

Stressing over tests just adds more stress in an already stressful process.

For more advice on surviving standardized tests, check out Wendy’s blog.