Saturday Giveaway: Getting Wasted

 

getting wastedIf you’re the parent of a college-bound teen, you should know that every school is a party school. Helping your student understand how the social drinking scene works and how to avoid getting sucked in to this destructive behavior is something every parent should consider.

According to Thomas Vander Ven, author of Getting Wasted, most American college campuses are home to a vibrant drinking scene where students frequently get wasted, train-wrecked, obliterated, hammered, destroyed, and decimated. The terms that university students most commonly use to describe severe alcohol intoxication share a common theme: destruction, and even after repeated embarrassing, physically unpleasant, and even violent drinking episodes, students continue to go out drinking together. In Getting Wasted, Thomas Vander Ven provides a unique answer to the perennial question of why college students drink.

Vander Ven argues that college students rely on “drunk support:” contrary to most accounts of alcohol abuse as being a solitary problem of one person drinking to excess, the college drinking scene is very much a social one where students support one another through nights of drinking games, rituals and rites of passage. Vander Ven argues that college students continue to drink heavily, even after experiencing repeated bad experiences, because of the social support that they give to one another and due to the creative ways in which they reframe and recast violent, embarrassing, and regretful drunken behaviors

 “Vander Ven analyzes the college drinking culture in an entirely new way — through the eyes of college drinkers themselves. In doing so, he brings a unique voice to the college drinking debate, which will shape the discussion for decades to come. This is a must read for anyone who wants to understand college drinking and its consequences.” –Kathleen A. Bogle,author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

Getting Wasted weaves many detailed stories of college drunkenness into a compelling account of its communal nature. Students don’t drink alone or get drunk alone. They do it together and the togetherness helps explain their otherwise baffling, self-destructive activities. This book is must reading for anyone interested in college students, drinking, and the combination of the two.”  –Howard Becker, author of Outsiders: Studies In The Sociology Of Deviance

“The book is worth a read to get students’ perspectives on the binge-drinking culture, and provoke thought on how to address the problems that stem from it.” –Teresa Malcolm,National Catholic Reporter

Enter my book giveaway today and snag a copy of this book, read it, and encourage your college-bound teen to read it as well.

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Scholarships Friday: Cancer survivors and families

 

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cancer survivorsFamilies dealing with cancer have astronomical medical expenses, often continuing after the patient is cured and in remission. Today’s post offers some organizations that offer scholarships to cancer survivors and their families. Since searching for these specific scholarships is often time consuming, I always recommend families register on a scholarship search site like Zinch or Cappex which usually ask specific questions that relate to scholarship criteria.

http://www.cappex.com/page/scholarships/details.jsp?scholarshipID=3792

http://www.scholarships.com/financial-aid/college-scholarships/scholarships-by-type/cancer-scholarships/

http://www.uwhealthkids.org/pediatric-cancer/college-scholarship-opportunities-for-cancer-survivors/35357

http://www.beyondthecure.org/scholarships

http://www.finaid.org/scholarships/cancer.phtml

http://ulmanfund.org/gethelp/support-programs-resources/scholarships/

http://www.collegiatecancer.org/application.html

http://inheritanceofhope.org/scholarships

http://www.patientadvocate.org/index.php?p=69

http://www.ped-onc.org/scholarships/

http://www.mdanderson.org/how-you-can-help/volunteer/cap-scholarship-program/index.html

http://cancerforcollege.org/CFC_Application.html

http://www.thescf.org/Application-Page.html

http://www.g-scholarship.info/2013/02/20132014-american-cancer-society-rock.html

http://www.cancerresourcemama.com/scholarships/diagnosis-specific-scholarships/breast-cancer-scholarships/

http://www.run4projectpurple.org/ways-we-help/scholarships/

http://www.thenccs.org/#

http://www.bobsfund.org/scholarships.php

http://angelonmyshoulder.org/programs/scholarships/

Articles about cancer-related scholarships with additional links

http://www.brighthub.com/education/college/articles/127080.aspx

http://www.collegescholarships.org/scholarships/cancer-students.htm

http://www.melfoundation.org/#/scholarships

http://www.usnews.com/education/blogs/the-scholarship-coach/2012/10/18/dont-let-cancer-stop-you-from-earning-a-college-education

Speaking from a family who has been touched by cancer, I understand the medical expenses and the strain it puts on family finances. If you know of any other scholarship opportunities, please post them in the comment section on this blog for the benefit of others.

How to apply for scholarships

 

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scholarship application
Photo courtesy of FastWeb

There are many scholarship opportunities that anyone can apply for. Some are merit based, meaning you need to meet particular standards, some are based on financial need, and there are many for having a certain background. They can be awards of a few hundred dollars or can cover all of your tuition costs, but whatever the amount, they will decrease the price of your education. How do you apply for scholarships?

Search for scholarship information

Scholarship information can be found many ways. You can contact your college, your high school counselor, the U.S. Department of Labor’s website, state agencies, or nonprofit or private organizations. When searching for scholarships, be sure that everything is legitimate; you will never have to pay to find any financial aid opportunities. Moreover, be sure to only apply for awards you meet the requirements for; the last thing you want to do is waste your time on scholarships you don’t meet the criteria for.

Make note of the deadlines

The deadline for each scholarship can vary. Some may have deadlines as early as a year before you start college so you will need to start searching for scholarships during the summer before your senior year of high school. However, even if you have missed out on a few scholarships with early deadlines, there are still plenty with later dates. Once you have compiled a list of scholarships you meet the requirements for, prioritize those with the earliest deadlines and those you are most confident about getting.

Start the application process

Start the application process as early as possible and follow all of the directions. Most scholarships require high school transcripts, standardized test scores, your parents’ financial information, financial aid forms like the FAFSA or CSS, essays, and letters of recommendation.

If the scholarship is because you are part of a certain group, you will also have to prove your eligibility. Only submit what is mandatory, do not submit extra supporting materials or go over the word limit on the essays. Some applications might be similar and you may be able to submit the same work, or slightly edit your work for other scholarships. Keep the essay directions in mind, however, as the judges will use them to narrow the applicant pool. Once you have finished any essays or portfolio materials, have a teacher, parent, or anyone you trust for advice go over them for honest feedback; you really want to put your best foot forward here.

Applying for a scholarship is not difficult; it can be a pretty easy process! Once you have finished one application, it gets easier to complete the rest. Prevent getting overwhelmed by being organized and recording all the application deadlines and by starting early. You may feel unprepared, but after a little research, you will be on your way to completing scholarships and earning financial aid.

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About the author: Priya Sudendra is a junior at the University of Colorado and a staff writer for CollegeFocus, a website dedicated to helping students deal with the challenges of college, including housing, finance, style, health, relationships, and transferring from a community college to a four-year university.

You can follow CollegeFocus on Twitter and Facebook.

Wednesday’s Parent: 8 Tips for building self-esteem

 

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________

8 Tips for building self-esteem

self-esteemIn psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about the self, such as the appraisal of one’s own appearance, beliefs, emotions and behaviors.

In high esteem families positive ramifications occur. The better family members feel about themselves, the better they treat each other, the better they get treated in return, the better off everyone tends to become. In high esteem families, relationships can become mutually affirming. Members seem more inclined to bring out the best in each other, not the worst.

Teens with high self-esteem tend to be more confident and successful in their pursuit of excellence. But how do you build self-esteem in your children?

1. Start at an early age

If you begin early to build your child’s self-esteem, they will be equipped to face rejection from others and peer pressure during the teen years. A child with low self-esteem will struggle with feelings of insecurity and often depression when faced with these teenage roadblocks.

2. Praise and encourage generously

Too often we focus on what our kids haven’t done or haven’t done right.  Tune in to the positive things your teen has accomplished and offer specific praise.  When praising, include compliments for their efforts as well. If you heap it on too thick, many teens will feel you’re paying them lip service and you’ll defeat the whole purpose of pumping them up.  Be generous, but don’t lay it on for every single good thing they do.

3. Set boundaries and teach consequences

Clear rules communicate the value that you have for your child, and when your children know they are valued, this is the first building block of self-esteem. All children need boundaries, especially teenagers. Establish firm rules and expectations that fit your family’s lifestyle and values.  For example, if you expect your child to do specific household chores, explain clearly to him why this is important. Make it understood that you expect this to be done regularly and outline consequences that will follow if it isn’t.

4. Give constructive criticism when necessary

No one likes to be told they didn’t do something right, particularly if it is done in anger.  Choose how you criticize your impressionable teen wisely.  If your son fails his algebra test, don’t say something sarcastic like “Well, if you had studied for this test instead of playing video games, this never would’ve happened.” Instead, use a concerned tone and say, “It looks like you had some trouble with that math test.  Let’s set up a time to study this week before the next test?”  And never criticize in front of their peers.

5. Leave communication lines open

Teenagers like to be self-sufficient and want us to believe that they have everything under control—but that doesn’t mean that as parents we needn’t keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Find easy ways of communicating with your teen such as: on the drive to school, when they are getting dressed in the mornings, and during family dinners.

One parent started a communication tool called the “Love Mom” journals for each of her kids when they started middle school.  Each of her older children has a notebook that they keep in their bedrooms. This is a “safe place” for them to mention anything that might be on their mind. They have expressed simple things such as what kind of sneakers they would like to get to something more personal such as being embarrassed that they have dandruff.  They go back and forth exchanging quick comments in the book and it truly only takes a few minutes each week.

6. Give them opportunities to make their own decisions

Nothing builds self-esteem more than letting them make their own decisions. Allow your teens, especially to participate in family decisions. Encourage them to make decisions about their friends, their classes, and finally the college they want to attend. The more decisions they make, the more confident they become in themselves and their ability to live as an independent adult.

7. Don’t depend on “things” to raise their self esteem

We’ve all known parents who give their children everything they ask for in an effort to fit in with their peers. But is this the best way to build your teen’s self esteem?

Psychology Today brings up an interesting point:

If you want to teach your child to be a superficial being that is completely dependent on others (peers, marketers, even parents) to tell them they have self-worth, then go for it. Buy them every latest hot new fashion you can find. Dress them up like their favorite rock star, and spend a small fortune on padding their fragile self-esteem. But have no illusion this is good for your child. It may make us parents feel more secure, like we’re protecting our children from name calling, but it won’t help our kids grow up to feel good about themselves inside.

8. Encourage their individual talents

Most of us have dreams for our kids even before they are born, but just because you took a specific path in life, it doesn’t mean your child will want to follow you.  If your teen has an obvious interest or talent, despite the fact that it isn’t something you would choose or do, learn more about why she is passionate about it and encourage her to pursue that interest.  If your child knows you support her, she is apt to be much more successful and will feel confident and more secure in her decisions.

 Read Wendy’s blog–Self Esteem: College Style

College Savings Plans

 

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college savingsNo matter where you are in the college prep process, saving, and knowing how and what to save can be difficult to understand. Depending on your situation and the amount of time you have to save, here are some excellent resources that will help you understand college savings plans.

SavingforCollege.com

SavingforCollege.com offers a free Family Guide to College Savings available in either Kindle, Nook, or PDF format. The guide advises parents on when to start saving, how to start saving, and college savings alternatives. It also gives a brief explanation of the tax savings you can expect and how to maximize savings. There are also numerous links on the site itself related to 529 savings plans, college expenses, and a tool to use to view the list of state specific plans. There is also a college cost calculator that helps you determine the cost of college based on your child’s age and the amount you wish to contribute along with a monthly savings estimate.

AffordableCollegesOnline.org

AffordableCollegesOnline.org has created a 529 Savings Plan Guidebook which can be easily printed from your browser. In the guidebook you will gain a better understanding of:

By using this guide, you will gain a better understanding of:

  • How 529 savings plans work and how to establish one
  • Who is eligible to establish and contribute to a 529 savings plan
  • The pros and cons of other types of college savings vehicles
  • How much may be contributed to a 529 plan
  • The tax advantages associated with 529 plans
  • The best time to set up a plan
  • How to take the next step in obtaining some – or all – of the funds that are needed to fulfill the dream of a higher education.

U.S. News Education

On U.S. News Education: Saving for College you can read articles like:

  • 4 Steps to Choosing Age-Based 529 Plans
  • 5 Steps for Utilizing 529 College Savings Plan Funds
  • 12 Questions to Ask Before Investing in a Prepaid College Savings Plan
  • 4 Costly Mistakes Parents Make When Saving Money for College

Manilla.com

Manilla.com offers a free downloadable Financial Literacy toolkit that helps parents and students through the process of deciding how to pay for college, deciding who will pay for what, and some good pointers on establishing good financial habits.

Fidelty.com

Fidelity offers information you will need to plan your child’s educational future. On this site you can compare your savings options, find a 529 savings plan that meets your needs, learn about financial aid, and how much you will need to save.

MorningStar

Morningstar, Inc. is a leading provider of independent investment research in North America, Europe, Australia, and Asia. Morningstar provides data on approximately 433,000 investment offerings, including stocks, mutual funds, and similar vehicles, along with real-time global market data on nearly 10 million equities, indexes, futures, options, commodities, and precious metals, in addition to foreign exchange and Treasury markets.

In a recent article, MorningStar rated the nation’s Best 529 Savings Plans for 2013 and also lists the negative rated 529 plans.

University Parent

University Parent, an online resource for parents of college students and college bound teens, recently published an article:  What is a 529 Savings Plan? How it Helps. The article gives an overview of the plans and what you need to know once you have one and how to use it.

If your college-bound teen is young, you have plenty of time to start saving. If you have a student in high school, you should read the information about aggressive portfolios and how to maximize your investment. The above resources should help you decide how much and where to invest your savings.

 

Mom-Approved Tips: Teaching Teens Consquences

 

teaching teens consequencesOne of the first things we learn growing up is that all of our actions have consequences. If we pull a glass of water off the table, it will spill all over us. If we touch a hot burner on the stove, it will burn. If we pick up a knife on the blade, it will cut us.

Selective memory loss

Teaching teens consequences can be challenging. Unfortunately, too many teens don’t carry that knowledge into their teen years as they begin to make choices that are life changing and life altering. They don’t rationalize that sleeping with someone you just met can have consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, pregnancy, rape and even at the very worst murder. They don’t think that cheating on a test in school, even if you don’t get caught, robs you of an education and learning. They don’t see that getting in a car with a drunk driver could end in tragedy because most teens who are drunk believe they have the capacity to drive. They can’t look far enough into the future to see that going to a college they can’t afford could land them in overwhelming debt after graduation.

Running down the scenarios

I know. All those scenarios are a bit dramatic. But let’s just think before we discount them as viable examples of ignoring the consequences of our choices. Your teen would be well served if he did the same. The next time your teen is tempted to sleep with someone they just met, what would happen if they ran over the previously stated consequences in their mind before they decide to do it? There would be consequences to their decision: good or bad. Before they make the decision to cheat on that next test, they replay the scenarios in their mind before they make those cheat notes. The consequences would be either good or bad. Before they get into a car with another teen who is drunk or drive drunk themselves, imagine what would happen if there is an accident and their friends or other innocent drivers and passengers are killed. Before making those final college choices, your teen should know that their ability to repay massive student loans depends on their ability to gain employment after graduation that would provide enough income to pay back those loans.

All decisions have consequences

When you’re young and your whole life is ahead of you, you tend to function in the present. Twenty or thirty years from now seems like an eternity to someone in their teens. But time has a way of catching up with us and every choice we make when we are young has both good and bad consequences. The trick is to know when those consequences aren’t worth the risk. And the other trick is to pause long enough before taking those risks to weigh both the good and the bad.

If your teen gets anything from this bit of advice, let it be this: take time to think before you act. Weigh the good and the bad consequences. Then once they decide, make the best of their decision and swallow the good with the bad. Every path they take in life has the potential for greatness. Encourage your teen to be wise and think before they act, knowing that their choice could potentially be the wrong one.

 

Saturday Giveaway: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years

 

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book giveawayDoes your daughter call home in tears over the latest “crisis”, leaving you feeling helpless and concerned? Is your son confused about his major? When children leave for college, many parents feel uncertain about their shifting roles. By emphasizing the importance of being a mentor, “Don’t Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money-The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years” shows that parents may have lost control over their college student, but they haven’t lost influence.

Brimming with humorous case examples and realistic dialogues, this comprehensive guide cover the fundamental college issues using a topical format using these suggestions: what you need to know, what’s going on, what to do, and what to avoid.

This book is great for current college parents and future college parents, and you could win it by entering this giveaway below:

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Scholarships Friday: Go Local!

 

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scholarshipScholarship search engines like Zinch are great–they expand your reach and match you to scholarships you might not know exist. These are massive scholarship databases and every student should take advantage of them. However, the large applicant pools for many of these scholarships means the competition is intense.

Consider going local. Unearth local scholarships in your own community. The applicant pools for these scholarships are smaller and your chances of winning them increases. You will be surprised at the local scholarships that are often overlooked and no scholarship money is dispersed.

Check out these resources and add them to your scholarship search criteria:

Your guidance counselor

First stop–your high school guidance counselor. Local scholarships come across their desks frequently. Check back often to see if any have surfaced and let your counselor know that you are interested in applying to all local scholarships.

Local newspapers

Check out your local newspaper (even if it’s online) for scholarship winners that they publish every year. Do the research and find out the deadlines for these, get the information and apply for next year.

Area high school websites

Did you know that you can go to other area high school websites and look in the counseling section? They often post scholarships that are set aside for local students, not just students at their high school.

Local organizations

Many local organizations like the Lions Club, the Elks Club, the Rotary Club, and the Toastmaster Club give scholarships yearly to deserving high school seniors. Contact the local organizations and ask for information about their scholarship opportunities.

Your network

Ask your pastor, your parent’s friends, your parents employer and any other people in your network of friends and family if they know of any scholarships. You would be surprised at how many scholarship opportunities go unpublicized.

Local companies

Local companies often give scholarships to deserving students. Engineering firms, architectural firms, law firms and even oil refineries recognize student achievements and give out yearly scholarship awards.

School organizations

Any school organization may award student scholarships such as the school band, the JROTC parent organization, the drill teams, the PTA and others. Any group that your child is involved in could possibly award scholarships.

These scholarships are typically not as large as the national ones, although some are; but the odds of winning are so much greater. And ten small scholarships can add up to the amount of one large one. Start the search early in high school so that when senior year comes around, you will have a list of local available scholarships.

 

How to Prepare an Art or Design Portfolio: Top 5 Tips

 

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animationPerhaps your son or daughter has always been good with a brush and a pen or with video art, and now as a high school junior or senior they’re talking about majoring in an art or design field. That means they need to compile samples of their work into an art or design portfolio.

A portfolio is required for admission to many art and design programs and for consideration in nearly all scholarship programs. It should be thoughtfully put together and include pieces that represent your child’s overall artistic strengths and interests. So, you can’t just mail a few favorite pieces. The portfolio tells the admissions counselors about who your child is and what sets your child apart from other candidates.

If a college application deadline is looming and neither you nor your child has even thought about a portfolio, don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Here are five things to remember as your student compiles their portfolio.

  1. Find 10 to 20 pieces that highlight all-around abilities and work as a group. Include a variety of pieces that show your child’s personality and willingness to dedicate time to a project. All pieces must be original ideas, not “borrowed” or copied from others’ works. For example, consider including a sketchbook that demonstrates creative thinking. Be sure to include specific school requirements, or your portfolio will be tossed out.
  2. Make sure the works make sense as a group and are arranged well.  fashion designWhen deciding which pieces to include, look at your work as a group: What can each contribute to the portfolio? What does each communicate to the reviewer? Does the piece showcase a skill-set? Order also is important. The first piece in the portfolio should make a strong statement and set the tone for the rest of the presentation. The following pieces should show ability, with the most expressive works placed in the middle.
  3. Ensure that all portfolio items are professionally presented. Once the pieces have been selected and arranged, make sure everything is labeled properly and easy to read (toss out those Post It Notes!). For example, to best present 3-D pieces, photograph them against a backdrop for a professional presentation. Remember, admissions offices will be reviewing thousands of applications, so you want your child’s to stand out (not because it’s sloppy, but because it’s well thought out and put together).pottery group
  4. Ask for help and be open to the advice.The portfolio should only include your child’sbest work, yet it’s tough to critique a loved ones work. Ask teachers, colleagues and friends for their opinion on the portfolio before it’s submitted. Also, most colleges encourage in-person preliminary portfolio reviews during junior and senior year. Take a few samples to the visit, and college admission staff will guide your child on pieces that are worth editing and further developing for their portfolio. Fortunately, plenty of resources exist for students to create a portfolio that will boost confidence in current skills and pave the way to a life in art and design.
  5. Follow submission guidelines and never miss a deadline. Read and re-read the submission guidelines to make sure proper steps are taken to prepare and submit the portfolio. For example, the college may have specific digital submission requirements if you submit your portfolio electronically. And, be aware of all deadlines for submission. Even if you’re in a time crunch, staying up late to ensure the pieces selected represent your child’s work is arranged well, and professionally presented may mean the difference between the application being accepted or rejected.

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Today’s guest blogger, Densil R. R. Porteous II is the Director of Admissions for CCAD. Prior to joining CCAD he was an assistant dean of admission for marketing and outreach at Sanford University and an associate dean/director of college counseling at the Drew School in San Francisco. He is a graduate of Kenyon College. Densil can be reached at Dporteous@ccad.edu. CCAD is one of the oldest and largest private art and design colleges offering bachelor’s and master’s degrees in Fine Arts in the United States. www.ccad.edu

Wednesday’s Parent: Straight Talk about Peer Pressure

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________

Straight Talk about Peer Pressure

peer pressure

If your friend jumped off a bridge would you do it? 

This is a classic parental adage. I can’t count how many times my parents uttered that statement to me. My childhood consisted of daily reprehensible acts that I’m sure made my mother cringe in terror. I took every dare or challenge, even if it required any physical risk of life or limb. Oddly enough, I never broke a bone. I have many scares from cuts and scrapes, but never took a trip to any emergency room. Danger was exhilarating to me and I found pleasure in the simple acts of childhood defiance.

It seemed only fair that God would bless me with children who followed in my footsteps. My son was born with the same spirit of defiance. As a child, he was always “jumping off that bridge” and taking others with him. If it was dangerous, he was up for it. One hot summer day I came home from work to find him and some friends skateboarding off the roof into an above ground swimming pool. For months we had been trying to discern the cause of numerous indentations in the pool liner causing leaks. He had been doing this all summer long and crashing his skateboard into the bottom of the pool as he came off the roof. It did not even occur to him that this might be dangerous or risky. One of his friends had suggested they try it and he was more than willing to give it a shot.

My daughter, for most of her life, stood back and watched. She did very little “jumping off of bridges” until her last few years of high school. It was at this point that she decided to literally jump off her first bridge. One summer night, while driving to the beach with friends, they decided to stop on a bridge that crosses over an island with a small channel that passes from the Gulf of Mexico to the intercoastal canal. Apparently it was a common practice among teenagers to do this because there was a sign posted warning against it. That didn’t stop my daughter. She jumped off that bridge that night and continued to take dangerous risks all through her college years.

As parents it is our natural instinct to protect our children from danger. At a young age, we caution them about looking both ways before they cross the street. When they get older, we teach them to ride bicycles and warn them of the dangers of riding at night without reflectors. During their teenage years, our greatest fear is that they will get into the car with a reckless or drunk teen driver. And in college, we’re afraid they will do something to put their lives in jeopardy because they are impaired by alcohol. These peer pressures keep parents up at night and even the most stalwart of heart frightened.

If they don’t want to play with you, then find some other friends

When my kids were younger, I must have said this at least once a week. The simple fact is that kids can be cruel. They don’t care about hurting your kid’s feelings or making them cry. And a group of kids can be even crueler. Sadly, I have found that these same kids grow up to be teens and later adults. Those same kids that tortured you as a child continue to torture people as adults. It doesn’t matter what their groups are called: cliques, “the in-crowd”, fraternities, “junior league”, society, power circle, the “rich and famous”, or even the cool ones. They exclude the ones who are not like them.

What can you do about these “friends” that don’t want to play with you? The real question for me is why do you want to play with them at all? Why would anyone want to be that shallow, opinionated, callous, uncaring and insensitive? Why would anyone want to be accepted into a group that sets its values as money, power, prestige and the right address? You can strive your entire life to be accepted by these people, but when push comes to shove, they will never be friends. They let you play with them when it’s convenient or beneficial for them. They will never sacrifice any of their needs, wants or desires to meet you halfway or even try and see things from your point of view. They will never change. They have been that way since they were children and will continue to set their values and goals as they relate to the group they belong to.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to find some new “friends”. Find some friends that have the same values as you. Find some friends that are kind to those around them. Find some friends that sacrifice and give for others. Find some friends that speak to you in love and compassion, not judgment and condemnation. Quite frankly, this group is much larger than the ones who don’t play fair.

What’s a parent to do?

Unfortunately, you can’t keep your kids in a cocoon and protect them from themselves or their friends. And you can’t spend your whole life worrying about what they are doing with they are not with you. You can teach them basic survival skills and instill in them moral values. You can help them choose friends that don’t “jump off bridges”. You can give them every opportunity to take supervised risks so they will be less likely to take the dangerous kind.

When they come to you and ask to do something because “all their friends are doing it”, be a wise parent and don’t reach for the closest parental adage. Explain to them your reasons for concern and reaffirm your love for them. Make sure they aren’t giving in to peer pressure. Have them give you their reasons for wanting to go on a 5-day unsupervised trip to Mexico. After both sides have stated their cases, it is your responsibility as a parent to make the proper decision. Your kids may balk and scream and say they hate you forever. They may storm out of the room and slam the door when you tell them no. But even though you didn’t say it, you know that just because their friends “jump off bridges”, it doesn’t mean they have to follow.

Note: This is an excerpt from my book: Biscuits Taste Best with Chocolate Sauce (or Because I’m the Mother). Soon to be published in 2014.

For Wendy’s take on Peer Pressure, read her blog as well.

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