Tag Archives: college rejection letters

Mom-Approved Tips: The Truth About College Rejection Letters

 

college rejection lettersIt was the worst of times; it was the best of times. The best of times—getting an offer of admission. The worst of times—getting a letter of rejection. Or is it really? Is there any way to spin the disappointment? Parents have dealt with their kids facing rejection throughout their lives, but there is no greater disappointment that losing what you feel is your dream—getting in to your dream college.

I know it’s tempting to spew platitudes like, “Everything happens for a reason”, or “I know how you feel”, or “They didn’t appreciate you.” But the reality is, all the platitudes in the world aren’t going to remove the disappointment. Once the dust has settled, however, it might be good to offer some words of wisdom from those “in the know” about the college admissions process.

I’ve found some very wise words from some very wise experts over the last several weeks. When the emotions subside and your college-bound teen is ready to talk, show them these words. It could open their eyes to the truth about college rejection letters.

Paul Hemphill is a noted college admission counselor and an expert in marketing college-bound teens to college and helping them win merit awards. Here’s what he had to say:

Because you are so talented – and this statement is for those who were rejected by their first-choices – you will be successful with your life. Like cream that rises to the top, so will you. Thousands of executives of major American corporations attended colleges no one has ever heard of, or dropped out; Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerbrrg come to mind. But what did they do? They focused on their dream, on what they wanted to do with their lives, just as you will. You will find what you love to do, and people will beat a path to your door wanting what you have to offer.

Follow your dream and ignore the noise of a culture focused on shallow and empty distractions. And accept the hard-bitten reality (it’ll take time) that, in the end, no one really cares about your losses or wins except those who love and cherish you for who you are and what you have already achieved.

What’s the take-away here? All through your life of achievement, which is a winning habit you have already started with the success you’ve had in high school, no one – NO ONE – will ask, “Where did you go to college?”

In 1968 in the Saturday Evening Post, author Joan Didion published an essay on being denied admission at Stanford University. It’s timeless commentary on dealing with rejection and the complex feelings stirred by that bitter pill many applicants face at some point in the application process. In it, she addresses the reality of college admissions. This is directed toward parents:

Getting into college has become an ugly business, malignant in its consumption and diversion of time and energy and true interests, and not its least deleterious aspect is how the children themselves accept it. They talk casually and unattractively of their “first, second and third choices,” of how their “first-choice” application (to Stephens, say) does not actually reflect their first choice (their first choice was Smith, but their adviser said their chances were low, so why “waste” the application?); they are calculating about the expectation of rejections, about their “backup” possibilities, about getting the right sport and the right extracurricular activities to “balance” the application, about juggling confirmations when their third choice accepts before their first choices answers. They are wise in the white lie here, the small self-aggrandizement there, in the importance of letters from “names” their parents scarcely know. I have heard conversations among 16-year-olds who were exceeded in their skill at manipulative self-promotion only by applicants for large literary grants.

And of course none of it matters very much at all, none of these early successes, early failures. I wonder if we had better not find some way to let our children know this, some way to extricate our expectations from theirs, some way to let them work through their own rejections and sullen rebellions and interludes with golf pros, unassisted by anxious prompting from the wings. Finding one’s role at 17 is problem enough, without being handed somebody else’s script.

And finally, here’s a pointed message for all seniors who are going to college from Mark Moody, Co-Director of College Counseling at Colorado Academy:

Now, and in your life to come, resist the urge to let membership in or exclusion from any institution define you or impact your self-image in either positive or negative ways. We are all susceptible to the power of names and outside validation, but I encourage you to develop a healthy suspicion of people who rely on those things to give meaning to their lives or to serve as markers of their superiority. When you dig past the veneer of status, they usually live their lives on a continuum somewhere between “emotionally stunted,” “boring,” “insecure,” “obnoxiously self-important,” and “spectacularly uncool.” The most interesting, truly accomplished and innovative people are not defined by others’ stories about them. They remain open to their own potential; importantly, they don’t take anyone else’s opinion, or themselves, too seriously. Try to be like that. Let your way of being in the world, your actions, your accountability, and your relationships be the things that meaningfully describe you, and which shape your possibilities for the future.

What do you do when a college rejects your student?

 

Colleges have been responding to the early decision/early action applications and students across the country have received those long awaited acceptance/rejection letters these past few weeks. Hip hip hoorays are easy to handle and a welcome addition to the holidays. Feelings of rejection can cloud the family’s holiday spirit and make it difficult to celebrate while facing the disappointment.

What do you do when that ill-fated letter arrives? How do you handle your feelings? How do you handle your student’s feelings? How to turn lemons into lemonade?

When the letter arrives

When the letter arrives and is opened you may want to try and spin it into a positive. Resist that temptation. It’s upsetting to both you and your student. Allow some time to display the emotions related to the disappointment and the feelings of rejection. It’s only natural to feel them and it certainly hasn’t been the first or the last time your student will be disappointed.

Your feelings

Parents take these letters personally. How dare they reject MY child! Our disappointment can often overshadow the feelings our student has. Be careful and don’t project your disappointment on to your student. He/she feels bad enough already; the last thing they need to feel is that they disappointed their parents by not getting accepted.

Your student’s feelings

Every student reacts differently. Some might shrug it off (to your surprise) and others might see this as the end of their world as they know it. The hardest part of this whole college process is dealing with disappointment and rejection. All the truisms in the world won’t help at this moment. Hold them, hug them, and let them know that you feel their pain. Don’t spout off truisms like “it will be ok” or “you don’t want to go there if they don’t want you.” Your student needs the time to deal with their disappointment and move on.

Embrace the life lesson

Once the time has passed and your student is able to be objective, use this as a life lesson. Remind them that there is a place for them and that there is a college where they will feel wanted and accepted. Point out that life is filled with disappointments that often turn into opportunities and you never know what lies ahead on the path you might not have originally chosen.

Every child faces disappointment and rejection throughout their life and a parent’s goal should be to help them face those hurtful times with love and perspective.