The term “helicopter parenting” can feel disparaging at first, after all, is it really a flaw to be active in your child’s education, to take an interest in their wellbeing at school, and to be involved in their development? Of course not. However, of course, constant hovering over your children, stifling independence and decision-making, and perhaps becoming too involved in the autonomy of your teacher’s guidance can be a problem.
Now, we’re not accusing you of this at all. Most parents strike a healthy balance, and being a little too interested is certainly miles better than being too uninvolved or uncaring.
However, if you’re concerned, then it’s nice to know where the parameters are. In this post, we’re not going to tell you how much you can be involved in your own child’s education, or where to step away, or how to relate to your child’s school experience. That would be much too presumptuous.
Instead, we’ll discuss some awesome measures new parents can take when supporting their children’s schooling and development:
With all the talk of helicopter parenting, over parenting, snowplow
parenting and parents refusing to allow their students become independent
adults, it’s important to understand how to coach your teenager without crossing
the line.
A recent article in Business
Insider quoted a study conducted by Florida State University focusing on
some of the issues with today’s parenting:
Helicopter parents are “overly
involved, protective parents who provide substantial support (e.g., financial,
emotional, physical health advice) to their emerging adult children, often
intervening in their affairs and making decisions for them.”
“Individuals with parents who
engage in highly controlling, overprotective behaviors have been characterized
as being overly needy in terms of seeking attention, approval and direction
from others,” the authors wrote in summarizing past research. “In addition,
they have been found to utilize more ineffective coping skills, express higher
levels of narcissism and demonstrate lower self-efficacy.”
In contrast…
“Developmentally appropriate
parenting can promote healthy decision-making and a child’s development of
autonomy, increasing the likelihood that their children will become
independent, well-adjusted, problem-solving adults. They tend to cope better
with stress, have more self-esteem and experience less depression.”
Knowing this…
What is a parent’s role during the college prep
process?
I will give you 10 coaching steps to take for a positive college prep experience.
Step 1-Offer guidance and advice.
Parents are primarily coaches—coaching and directing their teenager during high school so that they will be prepared to apply to and eventually attend college. It’s natural to take this role in parenting and it works well in the area of college prep.
Your teenager may not always
ask, but they will need advice during this stressful time. Listen to their
concerns and offer guidance and advice. Listening is the key because teenagers
don’t always communicate what they are feeling and don’t always ask for help.
The next thing parents need to
do is…
Step 2-Establish
boundaries.
Early during the college prep process, have a serious
conversation with your student.
Because of the insurmountable number of tasks involved with
college prep, your student will need your help. The key word here is, “help”.
One admissions officer told me, “Let your student drive the car”. It won’t be
easy to let your student take control of the process, but this is part of the
training they will need to be successful in college.
Next, we will discuss exactly how you can help.
Step 3-Be
an encourager and a helper.
Be an encourager by reminding your student of deadlines,
from test registration to FAFSA and application submission. Encourage them to stay
on top of every task and suggest creating a timeline for each task.
Parents can participate in just about every activity during
college prep.
You can help with organization by establishing a college
landing zone. A place where you and your student can keep track of all
college-related information.
You can help with test prep—practicing vocabulary words,
administering practice tests, and hiring a tutor if necessary. You can also
help them create a study schedule to prepare for the tests.
You can help your student create a college list. What is at
the top of their list? What are they interested in studying? What career
interests them? What college activities outside of academics are important?
Does location or size matter? Use these questions to begin crafting the list.
You can participate in college visits by planning the
visits, traveling with them, and discussing the visits afterwards, Under no
circumstances should you take control during any aspect of the campus visit,
from the tour to the interviews.
Scholarship searching can be a daunting task for any busy
student. Parents can help by searching for the scholarships, making sure all
the components of the scholarship application are completed, proofreading any
essays, and making sure they are submitted correctly and on time.
Once the applications have been submitted you can participate in the final decision. Weigh all the financial aid offers against one another and help your student choose the college that is the best fit: academically, socially and financially. This is an important part of coaching.
Step
4-Teach life skills.
Teenagers need time and priority management skills,
conflict management skills, and effective communication skills. They need to
know when and how to ask for help, they need to effectively maneuver the
college bureaucracy, and they need to operate on a budget and manage their
money. They need to self-advocate and have the self-discipline to stay safe.
Step
5-Teach Academic skills.
Students should start college with strong study skills.
They need to be able to write a well-researched and documented, accurate,
organized, and well-written paper. They need to start college prepared to
attend all their classes, read the assigned materials, and know how to take
notes. They need to be prepared to pursue study groups, additional review
periods, or other options such as seeking out their teachers when they have
questions and need help.
Step
6-Model behavior
Parents should be involved in their teenager’s school by
participating in parent-teacher meetings and similar events, judging their
student’s academic strengths and weaknesses, and pushing them to get help when
they need it. Parents should make expectations and rules clear for both
academics and behavior, and follow through on reasonable consequences. Parents
should give their teenagers graduated responsibilities, teach them to budget,
and make them responsible when they make mistakes.
Step 7-Educate yourself about everything to do with college prep
In order to be the “wise
sage”, you need to educate yourself about all aspects of college prep. And in
today’s age of technology and social media, you have all the tools available to
do this. Take advantage of all the college prep advice on social media
(Twitter, Facebook, and even Pinterest) have all sorts of tips for parents to
help with college prep. Subscribe to blogs that provide parents with advice and
connect with other parents on Facebook who are going through the same process.
On my blog, I offer numerous
lists of experts to follow on social media, along with advice from college
counselors, test prep tutors, essay experts and admissions officers. These tips
help parents stay on top of all the college prep tasks and stay educated about
any changes in standardized tests, admissions or financial aid.
Step
8-Have the money talk
Parents
should have a serious conversation with their student about money before even
applying to colleges. Approach it as a collaborative discussion and use
this as a start to helping your teen understand the importance of budgeting and
“needs vs wants”.
Start
off by making sure your teen knows what a “need” is and what a “want”
is in relation to college costs. For some teens, all wants are needs. This
is the time to nail the definition down and clarify it in their minds.
Decide
just who will be paying for each college expense. Every family is
different but it’s important to make this clear from the very beginning so that
there won’t be any surprises.
Use a budget worksheet and understand ALL college expenses. Don’t just assume
that tuition, room and board will cover it. There will be additional costs as
well like travel, entertainment, dorm furnishings, student fees and others. Be
sure to budget for these additional expenses.
When
your teens contribute to the costs of their education, they will be more
invested in their success. They will also learn valuable budgeting lessons that
will stick with them past college and into adulthood. You’re doing your teen a
disservice if you don’t involve them in the college financial discussions. They
need to be active participants in the decisions and also play an active part in
paying for that high-cost college education.
Step
9-Make financial aid a priority.
Even if you can afford to pay for college, why would you
use the money if your student can get some of the free money from scholarships
and grants? It makes sense to apply for scholarships. Scholarships are
available for all ages and students should start applying early, even before
senior year. There are scholarships for students with average grades, and
scholarships that don’t require a GPA or even an essay. Sign up for scholarship
search engines to find scholarship matches. Leave no stone unturned: search
locally, ask friends, talk to your student’s school counselor and listen to the
media. Scholarships are literally everywhere, and many local ones go unclaimed
every year.
When your student is a senior, complete the FAFSA. The
FAFSA is the key to getting not only federal aid, but aid from the colleges
themselves. Much of the college aid is merit based but your student won’t
receive it if they don’t submit the FAFSA.
Next…
Step
10-Participate in the final decision.
Once your student is accepted to colleges, due your due diligence
and compare all the financial aid awards. If one award is higher than another
and your student wants to attend that college, appeal the lower award using the
higher award as leverage. Find the college that is the best fit: academically,
socially and financially. Don’t allow your student to take on high amounts of
debt just because it’s the college he or she wants to attend. Be the voice of
reason and explain the consequences of graduating with too much student loan
debt…
Now, some final words of advice…
Nag
less and listen more
You will be tempted to nag: write this, apply to this, study
for this, and search for this. Nagging will only cause strife and stress for
you and your student. Instead, listen to his concerns, his visions, and his dreams.
Listen carefully to ascertain whether or not college is the best choice. Listen
to him talk about how he feels about the entire college prep process. And once
you’ve listened, guide him — don’t nag.
Do
less and encourage more
Avoid the temptation to take over the process. As one
admissions officer told me, “Let your student drive the car.” You can be a
coach, an advisor, a mentor and an attentive listener. You can also help with
data gathering, scholarship searching, and deadline reminders. But under no
circumstances should this process be yours. Let your student own his own
future.
Compare
less and research more
Don’t listen to other parents who want you to compare your
student to theirs. This is you and your student’s journey. Do your research.
Ask the experts. Don’t rely on hearsay to make your decisions. Your student is unique,
and his journey will be unique. Arm yourself with all the information and tools
to help with the process. Then pass it along to your student.
Panic
less and plan more
If there’s one piece of advice I give parents, it’s this:
stay organized and don’t miss any deadlines. Make a plan throughout high school
and follow the plan. Once your student enters senior year, you should be
organized and ready to begin the application process.
In the 50’s, our parents let us have the run of the neighborhood. We rode our bikes everywhere, walked home from school alone, and rode the bus to the movies alone. In the summer, we left the house early in the morning and returned home in time for dinner. Our teachers terrified us and we knew if we misbehaved, our parents would back them up. There were no car seats or safety belts. You would never find anti-bacterial soap or even consider using it. When we turned 18, we either went to college or got a full-time job and moved out of the house.
In the 80’s, parenting styles began to change. Because of Adam Walsh, we watched our kids like a hawk. We weren’t quite ready to take away their freedom, but we worried. We worried about where they were, who they were with, and what dangers they might encounter when they were at school, outside, and at the mall. Parents began to question a teacher’s authority and loosened the grip on the discipline of their children. Spanking became taboo and “time out” emerged as a parenting technique.
At the beginning of the 21st century helicopter parenting emerged. It’s not like we planned for it to happen. It just did. We sheltered our children from any disappointment. Everyone on the team got a trophy. There were no winners or losers. We questioned all school authority. We would never consider letting them walk home alone or play outside without supervision. If they forgot their lunch, we took it to them. If they left their homework at home, we took it to school. We began to make every decision for them and protect them from every consequence. We began to feel the “parent peer pressure” for our children to be the best and the greatest. If they graduated from college and couldn’t find a job, they came home to live and thus the term “boomerang” generation was born.
How do you walk the tightrope of helicopter parenting?
How do we raise our children in this frightening world without overprotecting them from the disappointments and trials of life? What are the long-term risks of helicopter parenting? Combine a little of the 50’s parenting, some of the 80’s style of parenting, and a very small amount of the 21st century parenting for the perfect parenting balance. There’s a fine line between cautious parenting and being a helicopter mom.
Ask yourself this question–Do you want your children to be independent successful adults or do you want them living in your basement for years and years depending on you to pay their bills and take care of them? Is it conceivable they will be going off to college and surviving alone, or calling you every day crying for help, or needing assistance with every life task? Will they be running home because they simply can’t survive without you?
My guess–your answers to every one of these questions would be a resounding NO!
I saw an article come across my Twitter and Facebook feeds last week that stopped me in my tracks: Kids of Helicopter Parents Are Sputtering Out. The subheading: Recent studies suggests that kids with overinvolved parents and rigidly structured childhoods suffer psychological blowback in college. As you can imagine, I had to read more. Why was this happening? What does the data show? How can parents prevent these negative outcomes?
Why is this happening?
We live in a very different world. Our concerns for safety cause us to give in to overprotection, even when it’s not necessary. The competition for college admission has become more than a rite of passage; it’s become a race to see whose child gets into what college and who has bragging rights. We have the best of intentions–wanting the best for our children; but those intentions have snowballed into overparenting our teenagers and harming them emotionally.
In 2013, Charlie Gofen, the retired chairman of the board at the Latin School of Chicago, a private school serving about 1,100 students, emailed the statistics off to a colleague at another school and asked, “Do you think parents at your school would rather their kid be depressed at Yale or happy at University of Arizona?” The colleague quickly replied, “My guess is 75 percent of the parents would rather see their kids depressed at Yale. They figure that the kid can straighten the emotional stuff out in his/her 20’s, but no one can go back and get the Yale undergrad degree.”
Can this be true? Are parents willing to risk their child’s emotional health for a college degree?
In my years as dean, I heard plenty of stories from college students who believed they had to study science (or medicine, or engineering), just as they’d had to play piano, and do community service for Africa, and, and, and. I talked with kids completely uninterested in the items on their own résumés. Some shrugged off any right to be bothered by their own lack of interest in what they were working on, saying, “My parents know what’s best for me.”
What does the data show?
In 2010 a psychology professor of Keene State College in New Hampshire surveyed 300 college freshmen nationwide. In 2011 the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga surveyed 300 students. In addition, there was in 2013, a survey of college counseling center directors and a survey by The American College Health Association. In 2014, the University of Colorado conducted their own survey.
The data confirms that overparenting our teenagers has taken its toll on their mental health and ability to function as independent adults. When parents do everything for their children, it’s a shock when they enter the real world of college and have to fend for themselves and walk their own path.
How can parents prevent these negative outcomes?
Take a step back and let your student figure out things for themselves. Let them problem solve, self-advocate, and make their own decisions before leaving for college. Give them space to grow and expect them to be accountable for their actions–don’t bail them out of consequences.
Madeline Leving, psychologist and author of The Price of Privilegewraps it all up nicely:
When children aren’t given the space to struggle through things on their own, they don’t learn to problem solve very well. They don’t learn to be confident in their own abilities, and it can affect their self-esteem. The other problem with never having to struggle is that you never experience failure and can develop an overwhelming fear of failure and of disappointing others. Both the low self-confidence and the fear of failure can lead to depression or anxiety.
Unless you have been “off the grid” over the holidays, you’ve probably heard about the colorado parents who moved to college with their daughter. Call me crazy but when I first heard it, my mouth fell open. Could this possibly be true? And much to my surprise, there they were on Fox and Friends openly discussing their decision. They are calling it their “gap year”. (Did you know you can’t go a day without a good rationalization?)
I do not understand why any parent would make this choice, let alone any student be agreeable to it. It’s one thing when a student chooses to live at home to commute to school or to save money. It’s another when the student’s parents pack up their lives and move close to the college.
I heard a story years ago about a 4-star general whose mother bought a house on the outskirts of Westpoint Academy. She might have been the first documented helicopter parent. But today’s parents are following her lead. According to college admissions officials and Coldwell Banker real estate it is becoming more and more common for helicopter parents to move with their students to college.
What happened to independence?
In my generation, when you moved away from home you moved away for good. Apparently there is an alarming progression happening. The “boomerang generation” (the crop of the last 10-15 years of college graduates) have moved home after graduation because they either can’t find a job or have to live at home to afford their student loan payments. And now, we have students who basically never leave home (or parents who won’t allow them to leave). All of these behaviors hinder the student’s independence and delay their entry into adulthood. Parents who constantly bail their children out when things become difficult are doing them a disservice in life.
How is this helpful to the student?
In no hemisphere could I possibly justify this type of behavior. I have known parents who bought a home for their student to live in during college, but they did NOT move in with them. Neither of my children would have agreed to this arrangement. Apparently, this generation of students might be more willing to find this acceptable. I do not care what they say or how they justify their behavior, these parents need to cut the apron strings and let their student sink or swim.
As one commentor wrote on the Fox News story: “Her wedding night will be awkward.”
What do you think? Is this acceptable? Would you do it? Would your student agree to this? Leave a comment!
Sunday is Mother’s Day and it’s time for those of us who have sacrificed, loved, cared for and smothered our kids to be honored. Yes. I said smothered. Some mothers have mastered this technique so well that their kids don’t have a clue how to deal with failure, disappointment, and pain.
Do you relate to this type of mother? My daughter does. She says it’s going to be her—right down to making sure her kids are the center of her universe and vice versa. We laugh about it, but her boys might not think it’s so funny.
So in an effort to help all those teens (and mothers) from celebrating another smother day, I’ve compiled my list of tell-tale smothering signs.
You might be a smotherer if . . .
You incessantly text your teen during school to ask about __________ (you fill in the blank).
You go on the college visit with them and ask questions about campus security on the walking tour.
You send ________ (fill in the blank) to admissions officers to butter them up; and call to ask if they received them.
You show up at school unannounced with __________________ (fill in the blank), embarrassing them in front of their peers.
You call the coach because your teen didn’t make the team.
You spend the night in his dorm room for the first week of school.
You move close to campus so that you can be available.
You drive hundreds of miles to college to deliver _________________ (fill in the blank) because she called and said she “had to have it”.
You fill out their college application for them (because they can’t possibly do it on their own).
You call the mother of the son who broke up with your daughter to ask why he did it.
Are these extreme? For some, yes. But all of these are true stories, based on talking with parents and admissions counselors. Is it hard to believe? Probably not in today’s world of over parenting. If you see yourself in any of these scenarios it might be time to join our support group of smotherers: Hi, my name is Suzanne, and I’m a smotherer!
Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!
The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.
Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.
It’s no surprise that parents have become so involved in their kids’ lives that school administrators have begun to label us; helicopter parent, snow plow parent, and bulldozer parent. But it can’t all be bad; after all, parents are actually involved. Is this a bad thing? As with anything there are extremes. And it’s possible that a few bad parenting experiences have shed a negative light on all of us.
Let’s take a look at the benefits of helicopter parenting:
Parents who are involved tend to have academically successful students.
Studies show kids who have parents that stay involved from Kindergarten to 12th grade are more likely to excel academically. Why? Involved parents help students with studies, organization and make sure they do their assignments. They also stay on top of grades and can recognize any problems that may require extra help.
Parents who are involved have students who are less likely to participate in at-risk behaviors.
Students whose parents are involved in their lives are going to find it harder to participate in at-risk behaviors. Why? Parents who know their kid’s friends, encourage activities at home, and encourage their kids to participate in after school activities help the kids learn responsibility and commitment. They have little time to get into trouble.
Parents who are invested financially and encourage their students to invest financially have students who take their education seriously.
College is a large financial commitment. When parents commit to invest, and insist that their student invest, the student will be more likely to see the value of that investment. That translates into academic success and a successful college education.
It’s a fact that some parents do get overly involved in their student’s life. But saying that all parents are helicopter parents is wrong. Our roles as parents have changed and evolved over the years. Today’s parents are invested in their student’s educational future and success . . . Should parents be embraced as partners and should the colleges help parents embrace that role?
My mother used to say, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.” I think that is the best way to look at helicopter parenting. Embrace the good things about this type of parenting and avoid the behaviors that cause educators to label us.
