Tag Archives: parenting

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Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Qualities a Mentor Should NOT Possess

 

mentorWhen I was in middle school I had a teacher who took a special interest in me. She encouraged me to work hard and spent extra time with me after class to explain the day’s work. Miss Castillo will always be a mentor who influenced my academic life. Because of her encouragement I graduated in the top 10 percent of my graduating class of 900. Because of her I gained self-esteem. She encouraged me, challenged me and supported me during my middle school years.

I’m sure you all have someone who influenced you in school. But mentors aren’t always in the academic realm. They can be coaches, pastors, business leaders and family friends. Mentors take the time to invest in your life and make an impact on your personal life and your future.

There are so many suggestions on how to look for and choose a mentor. But in true Parent College Coach fashion, here are 5 qualities I believe a mentor should NOT possess:

Critical

The last thing you need in a mentor is someone who is constantly criticizing you. There may be something to be said about constructive criticism, but listening to someone constantly criticize and belittle you is not inspiring. It only destroys your self-esteem.

Negative

Nobody likes being around a negative person, especially if it’s someone you are looking to for advice and encouragement. A person who always sees the glass as half empty is not going to inspire you to achieve your goals.

Patronizing

You don’t need someone who is patronizing. A mentor should never act superior or talk down to you in any way.

Disinterested

You need someone who is invested in teaching you, training you and guiding you in your life pursuits. If the person you choose is disinterested and uninvolved it’s a waste of your time.

Controlling

The idea of having a mentor is to teach you, not control your every decision. A controlling person is less likely to help you find your own path—he will want you to follow his.

Choosing a mentor requires thought and careful searching. As in my case, mentors can have a profound effect on your life. Choose wisely.

Read Wendy’s post: Choose a Mentor in 3 Steps

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Surviving Move-In Day

 

college move in day
Photo courtesy of University Parent

Originally published in the University Parent Guide to Supporting Your Student’s Freshman Year

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Emotions run high on college move-in day. Parents anticipate letting go of the child they’ve spent 18 years protecting; students are excited but also nervous and self-conscious. All these emotions — yours and theirs — require patience on your part. As move-in day approaches, knowing what to expect should help you and your student survive with minimal fall-out.

Arrive prepared
Arrive early (get a good parking spot!) and prepared for the day. Bring the necessary equipment: dollies for heavy items, cleaning supplies, and comfortable shoes and clothing (it’s going to be a long day). Label boxes when packing to facilitate unpacking. Be prepared to navigate steps and carry heavy objects. Don’t count on elevators being available — everyone else will be using them, too.

Do your research before you arrive on campus, and make a list of required tasks: a trip to the bookstore, a stop at the Financial Aid or Student Accounting Office, a visit to a bank to open an account. Leave time for shopping but don’t overdo it — your student won’t need every single dorm furnishing item the first day or even week of school.

Take a step back
Allow your student to take the lead. When checking into the dorm, let her do the talking while you stand by to help if necessary. The sooner your student takes ownership of even mundane aspects of the college experience, the better. Let it start from the moment you arrive on campus.

To read the rest of my article, follow this link to University Parent’s website: Surviving College Move-In Day

And to snag yourself (or a friend) a copy of the University Parent Guide to Supporting your Student’s Freshman Year, use this coupon code at checkout (2DISCFRD) for a “Friends and Family Discount” — 60% off the regular price dropping it to $7.22. The code expires September 1st.

parenting

Motivation for Students Starts at Home

 

helping without harmingAfter finishing high school, which means the end of the obligatory studies, some students struggle to maintain a positive attitude towards learning, especially if they have found a job offer. If you were to ask them, “what do you prefer,money now or money in 10 years,” you’d find out how some of them are so impatient that they prefer the money now, even if it’s a smaller amount. That’s why us, parents, have to be there to motivate them to go to college or to study an occupation and in that way in which they don’t believe it’s only a mandatory thing imposed by adults. In this post we’ll see how to motivate our kids from an early age to always choose to study:

The family is the environment in which our child’s education begins, and also the main model of values and behaviors that guides the cognitive and affective student’s future development. Here’s where parents have the opportunity to get that their children enjoy learning.

Everything should start by educating by an example to follow. Parents who show interest and enthusiasm for their child’s learning tasks and express their curiosity to learn new skills convey this attitude to the student naturally. Several researches say that parental behavior can influence the motivation or demotivate their children to learn, so it’s important too to adopt this disposition in leisure time: parents should teach their kid from an early age to look for the answer to questions, to participate in activities with enthusiasm and to get satisfaction when they get significant achievements in life.

Family should also encourage and appreciate this effort over the results; if we want our child to be motivated in its tasks, they need to suit its capabilities and to increase the difficulty as the student gains new skills cause otherwise, if he’s always required to do the activities he doesn’t understand yet, it’s easy that he feels frustrated and demotivated if he sees his efforts were not worth it. In these cases, it’s necessary to teach him to overcome his problems through perseverance and constant work and to be confident in his skills.

Now, regarding formal education, parents can also influence their children’s motivation by helping them with homework, in order to teach them to deal with problems and to have a good relationship with their teachers. If parents and children share objectives and strategies, the interest of the children to learn will always win.

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5 Simple Rules for College Parents: A Mini-Course

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Today’s college parents are NOW first responders BUT most parents don’t know how to respond!  Harlan Cohen, New York Times bestselling author of The Naked Roommate and The Naked Roommate For Parents Only is an expert at coaching students and parents about the unexpected and often uncomfortable aspects of college life.

I first came in contact with Harlan when he asked me to review his books and fell in love with the information they provided. I’ve recommended the books to parents and students alike because I feel they offer some of the best and most practical advice about college life.

In response to an overwhelming demand for extra help from parents, Harlan created a free mini-course to help parents prepare for the first year in college: 5 Simple Rules For College Parents. The course alleviates stress and helps parents guide their children through this wildly emotional time of transition. All 5 simple rules last about 10 minutes each, or you can watch the entire mini-course for a little over 45 minutes. Harlan’s down to earth way of getting down to the basics of emotions and offering easy to apply tactics makes this mini-course an excellent resource for parents with college-bound teens.

Watch this simple video for an explanation of the course, then follow the link below to signup. Once you sign up you get a password to access the videos; and it’s absolutely FREE!

 

Sign up for this free mini-course here: 5 Simple Rules for College Parents

 

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Mom-Approved Tips: Navigating College Roadblocks

roadblockParenting isn’t for cowards. Every day brings new challenges and new drama, especially if you’re living with a college bound teen. Navigating college roadblocks can be tricky at best, but as with any difficulties, anticipating the possibilities can help you face them with confidence.

Your college-bound teen tells you that she simply MUST go to Private College A, even though she knows it comes with a high price tag.

Don’t let her bully you into sending her to a college you can’t afford AND one that will require a tremendous amount of student loan debt. Sit her down and explain to her the dangers of graduating in debt. Use the college repayment calculators if you have to. If she truly wants to go to Private College A, she needs to do the work (good grades, good SAT/ACT scores, great essay) to be awarded scholarship/grant money from that college. If not, there are always other options and choices.

Your college-bound teen is not interested in college or any other path that leads him toward higher education.

If there is one thing I learned with both of my kids (and clients), if they aren’t invested in the college process they won’t be invested in college. Save yourself some time, money and heartache and wait until they are. If not, they can learn from the college of hard knocks–minimum wage jobs are the BEST motivator!

Your college-bound teen misses deadlines, panics and comes running to you at the last minute to fix it.

The simplest way I know to avoid missing deadlines, is to get yourself a huge wall calendar and a fat red marker. Put it in a place that they have to pass by every single day. In addition, with all the smartphones and calendar apps available today, missing a deadline should be a thing of the past. At some point (hopefully when they go to college), they will have to fix their own problems. Let them do it now, while they live at home, and it will be easier for them once they are gone. Rescuing your kids all time only makes them into dependent adults and colleges aren’t impressed with those type of students or the parents that come with them.

Your college-bound teen suddenly announces she is not ready for college and wants to take a year off.

First of all, wait. Don’t react. Just listen. Odds are the mood will change with the wind and once all her friends are making college plans, that desire that she once had will kick back in. If not, let her know that it won’t be a “free-ride” year. She will be expected to work and save the money she makes for college.

Your college-bound teen refuses to get out of the car on a campus visit

Before you even get out 0f the car your kid announces that he’s just not feeling it. Don’t even attempt to decipher what that means because it’s impossible to understand. You’ve driven (or flown) to go to a college he had on a list and now he’s just not feeling it. Bench your anger, take a deep breath and get out of the car. You’ve come all this way and you’re going to visit the college. In the best of worlds he will get out with you. In the worst of worlds he’ll stay in the car. There’s not much you can do with an obstinate teenager; it’s best to move on.

Your college-bound teen refuses to get organized

Procrastination—a teenager’s favorite technique for avoidance. If procrastination is their favorite technique, then tomorrow is their favorite word. Parents detest hearing that word from their kids, especially when it comes to the application process. What’s a parent to do? You can leave them to their own devises or you can be smart and find ways to help them stay organized. Beat them at their own game: text and email them reminders. If you’re sneaky, you can even add them to the calendar alerts on their smartphone or laptop. Hey, whatever works.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Motivating an Unmotivated Student

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motivating an unmotivated studentI’m well acquainted with this necessary parenting technique: I had an unmotivated student. It’s not that he wasn’t capable of achieving academic success; it was just that he didn’t have the motivation or the desire to do his best. He never soared in high school, or in the first semester of college, but he did reach his academic potential, finally.

It was hard having a child who didn’t grasp his full potential, no matter how much I told him he was capable of straight A’s. It just didn’t matter to him. Passing with average grades was good enough for him. Those grades, however, contributed to some difficult life choices and some hard lessons along the way. In the end, there were four factors that finally motivated him academically:

1. Good old-fashioned competition

My son chose the Marines over attending college; partly because of his grades and partly because the regiment and rules of the military appealed to him. My daughter worked hard in high school and attended college on several scholarships. My son watched her work hard and study and attended her college graduation with us. He had always felt she was smarter than him and that’s why she excelled. But the fact that she had that degree and he didn’t, made him think long and hard about what he wanted after his 4-year stint in the Marines.

2. Economic realities

After getting out of the Marines and immediately starting college, he crashed and burned. He wasn’t ready for the rigors of studying again and he failed miserably his first semester. After that he chose to go to work; and that meant he would be taking a minimum wage job until he found something better. That something better never came and he realized that in order to compete in the workforce, he needed that college degree.

3. The desire to prove something (mostly to himself)

Often, the key to motivating teens is to prove to them  it’s possible to achieve a particular goal. He had much to prove: he had to start over at a community college, make good grades so he could transfer to a 4-year college, and stay with it until he finished. This one factor is probably what kept him motivated to graduate; and not just graduate, but graduate with summa cum laude with honors.

4. The promise of a positive outcome

My son knew that a college degree would affect his ability to gain employment in a market when most applicants were college graduates. He also knew that his academic achievements would be a plus on his resume and during job interviews.

The basic point here is that motivating an unmotivated student isn’t an easy task. Unfortunately for my son, I realized too late what would motivate him. The self-motivators, like my daughter, are never a problem. It’s the ones who aren’t motivated no matter what you try. If I had only known these four factors with my son, he might have been accepted at one of the military academies. Hopefully, my lessons learned might help other parents who struggle with unmotivated students.

Read Wendy’s post: Using irony and a proverb as self motivation for your teen

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety.Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

 

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: 10 Tips to Ease Into College

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Moving from high school to college can be daunting. It’s your first step toward independence and adult responsibility. You transition from someone dictating your every move (parents) to the freedom of making every decision. Don’t expect, however, to ease right into college life without an adjustment period. College life will be much easier if you expect some bumps in the road and some course adjustments along the way.

10 tips to ease into college
Illustration from Zinch’s blog: More Than a Test Score

A recent report on college dropout rates presented some shocking statistics – 46% of those who enter college fail to graduate within six years. What you do your first year of college can impact not only your college years but your future. This makes the beginning weeks and months on campus critical for all new students.

Here are 10 tips to ease into college and help with the transition:

1). Don’t skip orientation.

Orientation helps you become familiar with the campus, its opportunities and on-campus organizations. During orientation you will meet your advisors, plan your schedule and do some group activities with other incoming freshmen. Skipping orientation is like skipping the first day of work. Orientation helps you ease into life on campus.

2). Make a friend.

Your college experience will be enhanced by the friendships you make. The first few months are the easiest time to make new friends. You can start with your roommate, your dorm mates, and your classmates. College is not the place to foster your inner shyness; it’s your opportunity to branch out, meet new people and make new relationships.

3). Get organized.

Since your parents won’t be there reminding you to study for your test, do your homework and go to class, you need to get organized. Keep a calendar, set alarms, make to-do lists, schedule study time, and keep track of all your term paper deadlines. Organization will give you peace of mind and alleviate those last minute panic attacks before a test or term paper due date.

4). Make academics a priority.

Even if you were an excellent high school student, this is college. Academics will be more challenging. Without constant parent nudging, it’s tempting to let the studying slide and skip class. If you begin to struggle or feel overwhelmed, get help. Speak with your professors. Take advantage of on-campus tutoring services. Don’t ignore the problem; act before your grades start a downward spiral.

5). Call home.

Every new college student gets homesick. Make time to call your family. They know you better than anyone else and will remind you that you always have their support. Set aside a time each week to talk with your family. It will curtail the homesickness and ease your parents’ inevitable tendency to worry.

Read more for the next 5 tips

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Two Kids; Two Types of Students

 

types of studentsIf you have more than one child, odds are they are different. One may excel academically and the other may struggle. Parenting both types of students is a challenge for parents, especially if there is competition among the two. I know. I had one of each in my home for 18+ years.

When you have both types of kids, they should be parented differently. You can’t expect the student who struggles to bring home A’s on every report card; and you can’t compare them to the A student. Each has their own academic style and learning capabilities. It doesn’t mean, however, that the student who struggles can’t excel; and it doesn’t mean that the A student will never bring home a B or C.

The “A” Student

Living with an “A” student can be challenging. It doesn’t seem like it would be, but it is. Most students who excel academically are hard on themselves. They see grades as a part of their self-worth. If they don’t make the grades, they have failed. Perfectionism among this demographic is common and often causes all kinds of emotional issues. So much is expected of them to achieve excellence. One college graduate described what her life as an “A” student was like:

“I wanted to dance. Throw a football. Watch a movie, or get in a car and see the world instead of vicariously traveling through stacks of assigned books. Occasionally, I tossed my pen aside and went out, but these instances were rare, and I usually felt guilty about my abandoned pile of work reproducing with each passing second. At the time, I didn’t know why I put so much pressure on myself. My parents didn’t push me. My professors tried to tell me to lighten up and go have some fun. I could only respond, “Stop dishing out so much work.” I could only give it my all, or give nothing. Now I understand that I was a classic perfectionist who had yet to discover how to define my inherent worth without my achievements. Because I didn’t know how to define myself without my perfect grades, I was terrified of failing, and “failure” meant anything less than perfection, causing me years of undo stress.”

“A” students often can’t play, relax or see the lighter side of anything. Their focus is on attaining the highest GPA in their class and this, and only this, is what life is all about. This type of student, more than any other, needs to understand that apart from the grades, they are accepted and loved.

The “C” Student

If you have a “C” student in your house, you have probably tried everything to get their grades up. You’ve tried yelling, punishing, grounding and bribing them into making “A”s. You might have compared them to their brother or sister who is an “A” student. But believe it or not, the “C” students are the happiest. They may struggle in school and force you to have many parent/teacher conferences, but many average students become successful in college and in life.

Robert Kiyosaki, author of “Why “A” Students Work for “C” Students”, urges parents to lighten up. Kiyosaki believes that the school system was created to churn out ‘Es’ / Employees… those “A Students” who read well, memorize well and test well… and not the creative thinkers, visionaries and dreamers –entrepreneurs-in-the-making… those “C Students who grow up to be the innovators and creators of new ideas, businesses, applications and products.

The book urges parents not to be obsessed with their kids’ “letter grades” (“good grades” might only mean they or the student themselves were successful in jamming a square peg into a round hole…) and focus, instead, on concepts, ideas, and helping their child find their true genius, their special gift. The path they can pursue with a love and true passion.

It’s easy to label our kids: he’s smart, or she’s beautiful, or he’s an “A” student, or she’s just an average student. Be careful when you do that. Kids need to, first and foremost, enjoy their education experience. They can’t when there is too much pressure to excel or they are compared to others who have “met the grade” so to speak. Take the advice from valedictorian: it’s not the grades that matter, it’s the person you become that’s important.

Read Wendy’s Post: Parenting the Superstar and the Struggler

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Sibling Rivalry

 

sibling rivalrySiblings. The very word conjures up thoughts of rivalry. A house with siblings is a house with sibling rivalry. As with any family, competition among siblings begins at an early age. They compete over just about everything: toys, bedtimes, gifts, food, clothing, and the list goes on and on. It’s only natural that the rivalry would increase during the college prep time. But is the rivalry between the siblings of their doing or are you initiating the rivalry by comparing one child to another?

Consider this scenario from a college counselor:

I once worked with two brothers separated by four years. The older brother got into every school he applied to and turned down some of the top schools in the country. When it came to building the younger sibling’s ambitious but more modest college list, he was visibly upset when his father mentioned his brother’s accomplishments repeatedly. In one meeting, I counted the number of times the elder child was mentioned and eventually had to stop the parents when that count reached fifteen. In another situation, a parent said, in front of the child, we don’t want to pay for private school for this child because the younger daughter has more potential and they would rather save their money for her college education.

So here’s the question: are you comparing your children with each other when it comes to college prep? If you are—SNAP OUT OF IT! No two children are alike—emotionally, academically or socially. Expecting one to be like the other is fueling the flames of rivalry. If you are doing this, possibly unknowingly, how can you stop?

Be positive about their individuality

This is a major step in your child’s life, even if you’ve been through it before with the other siblings. Even though you will learn from experiences, it’s important to know that those experiences do not dictate the process with your other children. Focus on the individual process and treat each sibling as you did the first, making them feel special. Listen to them tell you what they want, where they want to go, and how they want to get there. Use experience but make it.

Praise success and celebrate acceptances

Don’t look back; look forward. Even if one sibling may not excel academically in comparison to another, praise all their individual successes. When the decisions arrive, be supportive and excited about all of them, even if some of the colleges don’t necessarily appeal to you. Being accepted to college is a major accomplishment, even if another sibling may have been accepted to colleges with more prestige. Recognize that every child has a specific path in life and each of them can be successful in the path they choose.

Don’t highlight differences, especially in front of others

As we saw in the story above, highlighting another child’s accomplishments or successes in front of others is hurtful to you child. He needs to feel that he is special and unique.

Case in point: my brother experienced this comparison all throughout school. He was two years behind me and struggled academically. I, conversely, was the model student. Teachers especially pointed out that fact to him. My parents, unknowingly, communicated that to him. Because of this, he failed at his first attempt at college. Later in life, after recognizing his strengths, he went on to receive his Ph.D. It was in the comparison that he felt failure.

It’s hard for teenagers to be constantly compared to others, especially when the competition lives in the same house. It’s your role as their parents to guide them to find their own individual talents and pursue their own path in life.

 Ready Wendy’s post: College-bound sibling rivalry is more than jealousy

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: How to Help Without Harming

 

helping without harmingAs graduation approaches parents of college-bound teens will be transitioning to different phases in their teen’s lives. Being the parents that we are, we will want to help. And our helping is not always good. Sometimes we “help” and it ends up harming their ability to think, act, and decide for themselves. It’s easy to justify our actions but when it’s all said and done we want to raise competent, independent and decisive children.

Saying all of that, how do you help without harming?

Teach them to self-advocate

One of the greatest tools a young adult can have is the ability to self-advocate. For years you have been fighting their battles for them. When they reach high school and move on to college, it’s time for them to learn how to do it for themselves. It may be hard to stand by silently and watch your teen get hurt or struggle with relationships (both with other teens and adults); but if you don’t step back, your college-bound teen will never be able to stand on their own two feet.

Listen

Listening is the hardest thing for a parent to do. We want to fix things because that’s what parents do. But sometimes things don’t need to be fixed. Sometimes our kids need to learn that life will bring conflict, disappointment and discouragement. They will learn this if you don’t jump in and fix every problem instantly. In college they will need to fix their own problems. Start letting them do this in high school.

Recognize their independence

Start early in high school and increase their freedom just a little at a time. As they exhibit responsibility and trustworthiness, allow them more freedom. By the time they leave for college they should be able to make decisions based on what is best for them simply because you allowed them to do it high school and fail at times.

Let go

You know the old adage, “If you love someone, set them free.” Parents never want to set their children free. We say we do. We try to do it. But deep down, when that little baby turns into a young adult it becomes harder and harder to let go. Parents who don’t let go have to deal with the repercussions later. This holding on has produced a generation of boomerang children—children who return home after college because they can’t succeed as independent adults.

For those parents who are waving goodbye to their teens in the fall, you’ve got three months to give them a crash course in independence. If you’re parenting an incoming high school freshman your job should be easy—you’ve got four years to get it done right!