Tag Archives: parenting

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Pushing Buttons

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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pushing buttonsKids, especially teens, know exactly how to push your buttons. It might be back talk, or constant complaining or eye-rolling, but whatever the behavior, nearly every parent will experience the tactic of pushing buttons.

Instead of giving my own advice on this topic, I’ve taken from two sources that should help you see both sides of the coin and perhaps help you deal with this inevitable conflict.

Top 10 Teenager Button Pushing Tactics (from AlternativetoCounseling.com)

1. “You never let me do anything.”

This statement invites the parents to point out specific times that they have let the teenager do what he or she wanted. This forces the parent off the real issue at that moment and gives the adolescent the upper hand in the discussion.

2. “You don’t love me.”

This statement is intended to induce guilt and make the parents question their self-worth. Unfortunately, many parents take this bait instead of recognizing that asking the adolescent to do something they do not like had nothing to do with love.

3. “I hate you” or “You’re a liar/bad parent”.

These statements are meant to get the parents to lose their tempers through personal character attacks. This clouds the parents’ thought process and limits their ability to effectively enforce consequences.

4. “You’re not my real mother/father. I don’t have to listen to you.”

This statement really unnerves stepparents but rarely is about the parent not being a biological one. It is merely another tactic designed to get the parent flustered and angry so that the real issue is not addressed..

5. A disgusted look, improper gesture or whiny voice.

Body language, gestures and tone of voice are some of the most powerful tools an adolescent may use to play with someone’s emotions. Unfortunately, if the parents respond to these barbs by losing control of their emotion, it gives the adolescent a great deal of power as he or she now knows how to get under his parent’s skins.

6. Finding you most vulnerable area and preying on it.

Adolescents have an uncanny ability to find the areas that bug each parent the most and apply pressure to that area. For example, some adolescents will intentionally keep their room messy because of their mothers’ emphasis on cleanliness. Again, this behavior is not a personal attack but just clever way of throwing the parent off balance.

7. “I’m gonna kill/hurt you/myself/others.”

These statements are meant to scare the parents so that they will back off and remove pressure from the adolescent. Teenagers usually use threats of violence as a last resort when nothing else had worked.

8. “I’m gonna lie, lie, lie.”

Lying is a pet peeve of most parents and one the teenager knows will get them to emotionally lose control so that he can win, win, win. Parents do not like lying and will often lose control of their emotions quickly when they catch the teenager in a lie.

9. “I hate school.”

Most parents value education so this statement invites a lecture on how the teenager is throwing away his future. Teenagers normally cannot see past tomorrow so they do not see failing school as a problem in the immediate future. However, they do know that education is important to the parent and how to use it to their advantage.

10. “I’m going to leave/run away.”

This statement gets parents to back off from exerting their authority because they fear what might happen if the adolescent runs away and is living on the streets. Adolescents know this and use this statement as an effective tool to paralyze their parents from taking action or enforcing a rule or consequence.

7 Ways parents push adolescents’ buttons (from BridgeYouth.org)

1. Preaching or Using Clichés

It is easy to want to use your own experiences as examples when talking to your kids. However, this will cause them to shut down. Phrases such as, “when I was your age” or “if all your friends jumped off a cliff…” should be avoided.

 2. Talking in Chapters

Try to keep your responses to your child brief. If they ask if they should do something, reply with ‘yes’. If you follow up with more statements, they may become angry or tune you out.

 3. Labeling 

Saying that your adolescent “always” does something can be dangerous. If you say your child is always late, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 4. Futurizing

“Futurizing” is when you talk about your adolescent’s future in a negative context. Examples include, “you’ll never go to college” or “you won’t be able to get a job with that attitude”.

 5. Instant Problem Solving 

Adolescents do not want you to solve their problems! Although it is natural to want to help out your teenager.  Often times they just want you to listen and understand.

6. Questioning the Teenager’s Restlessness and Discontent

Parents make the situation worse when they ask their teen unanswerable questions such as, “What is the matter with you?” or “What’s gotten into you?”. Teenagers are often restless and unhappy for no reason at all-it’s part of being a teenager. Try to accept the behavior in a supporting way unless it extends over a long period of time.

7. Not Tolerating Experimental Behavior

Tolerating behavior and accepting behavior are two totally different things. As your teen struggles to find their identity, they may experiment with various hairstyles and clothing. Express your disapproval once and then let it drop. If you continue to express your unhappiness, a power struggle may develop leading them to rebel even further. Save your energy for the bigger battles.

8. Collecting Criticism

Even though it may seem like your child does not care about your opinion, they do. Parents’ insults and criticism cut deeper and might take years to heal. Avoid rehashing past events or keeping a “mental scorecard” on past behavior problems. Focus of what is occurring in the present.

Admit it, you’ve either experienced those manipulative teen tactics, or you’ve dished out some of your own. Recognizing them should help with future button pushing. Or at the very least, you won’t feel like you’re the only one!

Check out Wendy’s blog: Button pusher’s resistance guide to parenting

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Do you appreciate your college-bound teen?

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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appreciationWe drum it into our kid’s heads that they need to appreciate all of the gifts they have been given: a good home, a strong family, parents who love them and support their college aspirations. But how do we show them appreciation and how do we let them know they are valuable?

The simple answer is—tell them. Telling them is important; but they need to see that you value them in your actions, and the college process is the best time to bring it home. Recognizing that they will be leaving you shortly to embark on a collegiate adventure makes it even more imperative that your teen know that you appreciate them.

Employees like their bosses to show appreciation with tangible rewards. It communicates value and the idea that they have done a good job. Why not adapt that policy with your college-bound teen? Just as employees respond to encouragement, teenagers do as well.

Here are five ways you can show them you appreciate them during the college prep process with small rewards:

1.   Catch them doing something right and tell them so.

When you see them taking charge of the college prep process, let them know you appreciate the fact that they are taking responsibility and making good decisions.

2. When a difficult task is completed celebrate.

When their applications are complete, take them out to dinner and celebrate their accomplishment.

3. Send them a simple “text” of encouragement.

Since texting is the preferred form of communication, just a simple, “I’m proud of you”, or “good job” communicates that you appreciate them and their efforts to become an independent adult.

4. Brag about them to others.

Not in an obnoxious way, but in a way that shows them how proud you are of their accomplishments. Everyone likes to be praised.

5. Surprise them with a special reward.

If they win a scholarship, ace an AP test, or even study for the SAT, give them an unexpected reward. It could be something as simple as a gift card to their favorite store or cooking their favorite dessert.

These five simple ways communicate to your college-bound teen that you appreciate them and their hard work to prepare for college. And here’s a bonus: when your teen feels appreciated, they will continue to excel in everything they do. It’s a win-win for both of you!

Read Wendy’s post: 3 Simple steps to appreciation

mom approved tips, parenting, social networks

Mom-Approved Tips: Is your teen on Twitter?

 

teens on twitterIs your teen on Twitter? Are you on Twitter? You should be. Twitter is not only a great resource for college prep, but it’s also the go-to social hangout for your teenager. They also air their thoughts and frustrations there. It’s amazing how teens find it to be a place to vent, especially about the pressure they feel from their parents about the college prep process. Are you surprised? I know I was.

Twitter has overtaken Facebook as the social media network that is most important to teens, according to Piper Jaffray’s semi-annual teen market research report. Twitter is the new king of teens, with 26 percent naming it as their “most important” social site. Only 23 percent said Facebook was most important, down from a high of 42 percent.

The Social Media Explorer points out:

Teens are increasingly turning to Twitter to follow artists and pop culture icons, take part in (or create) memes and trends, and express their innermost thoughts. More and more, teens are also using Twitter as a way to escape their parents’ prying eyes, as parents are far more likely to have a Facebook account than Twitter; it seems many parents don’t realize that their kids are even tweeting, and kids are keeping their accounts private, away from their parents and sometimes also from those who might bully them online. Twitter also allows for anonymity, so teens can take on new (or multiple) personalities, and further isolate themselves from parents or unwanted peers.

According to Pew, teen use of digital media is growing overall; 80% of teens use online social networks. An interesting Pew statistic which may have led to the #GetAustin2Philly trending topic is that more than 2x the number of girls use Twitter: 22% of girls vs. 10% of boys. For teenagers, Twitter is an outlet for fandom, gossip, and chatter; get @mentioned by a celebrity or teen idol and your popularity is sure to rise. Twitter is now a digital autograph book.

Today’s Mom addresses the issue:

Escape from parental monitoring isn’t the only thing driving teens to Twitter. When celebrities adopted the micro-blogging platform kids followed. One can only hope all of Justin Bieber’s 17 million+ followers are all teenagers. Eminem has 8 million (including my privacy-seeking son), Katy Perry 14 million, and Taylor Swift nearly 11 million. The same Pew survey found that most teens are happy using Twitter for benign purposes like following their favorite artists, exploring adolescent angst, and passing along immature humor. If only all kids could be as good as yours and mine.

Kids can be mean, in real life and online

Electronic communication offers a distance that can embolden mean kids. “No one is safe from this new approach to bullying,” says Dawn Spragg, a Licensed Counselor  working with teens and their families in Bentonville, Arkansas, where three high school students were issued citations in Juvenile Court recently for publishing nasty tweets about classmates in a virtual “slam book” on Twitter. Spragg says that the anonymity of online aliases allows kids to bully without having to “back it up” like the bullies of decades past.

Electric PR Media reports:

In an effort to find privacy, teenagers are turning to Twitter as an alternate to Facebook. And although everyone wants to be where their friends are, privacy and a place away from parents is part of the genetic code of any teenager.

Enter Twitter.

Twitter, in comparison to Facebook, offers many appealing features which are just beginning to be appreciated by teenagers. Twitter allows you to have multiple accounts should you chose to do so. Your account name can be a pseudonym, one only your friends know. Your account can also be set to private, allowing you to select your followers. In turn, you chose who you want to follow without seeing their followers, eliminating the social pressure of following friends of friends which can often be the case on Facebook.

In addition to privacy and selectivity, Twitter relies on the use of acronyms and abbreviations (now we’re talking) to send your message in under 140 characters, the equivalent of a text message, but to a circle of friends. It’s a teenager’s dream: Privacy, selectivity and brevity! Does this sound like the parameters of a conversation you’ve had lately with a teenager?

What’s a parent to do?

Your teen is seeking privacy on Twitter…too bad. In 2011, one million children were harassed, threatened, or subjected to cyberbullying in social media. Of these children, only 10% of parents were aware of it. 55% of teens gave out personal information to someone they didn’t know. And only 34% of parents say they regularly check their child’s social network sites.

Unfortunately, unchecked use of social media can lead to hours of lost sleep for teens (yes, teens admit to sleeping with their smartphones and even texting in their sleep), privacy undermined, rumors being spread, school and social life being directly affected by online activity, and worse yet … becoming a victim or perpetrator of cyberbullying.

Teens absolutely need our help and guidance when it comes to online activity, especially in the Twitterverse of anonymity. But how do you help? One mother drew up an iPhone contract when she presented her son with a new phone.

Here are some of the 18 rules (you can read the rest at Huffington Post):

  1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren’t I the greatest?
  2. I will always know the password.
  3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.
  4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.
  5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.
  6. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire.
  7. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.
  8. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself.

Every parent handles this differently but it goes without saying that hiding your head in the sand and staying technologically challenged can only lead to future problems with your teens and social media. Just as you had to learn parenting skills, take the time to learn about social media platforms and how they work. Your teen may scoff about having their privacy invaded, but that’s what parents do–we parent.

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Top 10 Tips for Parents

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top 10 tips for parentsOn Monday’s I dispense my parent advice and today I thought I might share with you some of my past “Top 10 Tips for Parents”. Some might be reality checks, some will provide you with new information, and some are just for fun.

Top 10 Questions Parents Ask about College

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/06/24/top-10-questions-parents-ask-about-college/

10 Must Read Books for Parents of College-bound Teens

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/08/22/10-must-read-books-for-parents-of-college-bound-students/

10 scariest mistakes parents make

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/10/31/10-scariest-mistakes-parents-make/

10 concepts your teen should learn BEFORE college

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/04/10-concepts/

Top 10 things every parent should know about “hooking up” in college

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/04/hooking-up-in-college/

10 Easy Scholarships

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/09/20/scholarship-friday-10-easy-scholarships/

10 most popular college degrees

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/04/04/the-10-most-popular-college-degrees/

10 Facebook pages every parent should like

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/12/14/10-facebook-pages-every-parent-should-like/

10 Good reasons to file the FAFSA

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/01/02/10-good-reasons-to-file-the-fafsa/

10 things high school students can do over holiday break

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2011/12/05/10-things-high-school-students-can-do-over-holiday-break/

Top 10 dos and don’ts of parenting a college bound teen

https://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/05/20/parenting-college-bound-teens/

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: The Apathetic Generation

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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citizenship

The Apathetic Generation

Prior to the first Obama presidential election, young adults simply didn’t vote. It’s perplexing to those of us that couldn’t wait to vote when we turned 18. I recall long lines at the polls for the 1972 and 1976 presidential elections.

The New Republic examined voting trends among young people prior to the 2012 election:

It has long been a puzzle why so many young adults do not vote—and why their already low voting rate has generally fallen over the decades. In 1972, 53 percent of 18-to-29-year-olds went to the polls. By 2000, the figure had fallen to just 36 percent, a historic low. (In contrast, the voting rate among people aged 65 or older rose five percentage points during those years, to 68 percent.) There is no doubt that the Obama campaign of 2008 energized the under-30 crowd, boosting their voting rate to 46 percent. But even then, fewer than half of 18-to-29-year-olds went to the polls compared with more than two-thirds of people aged 65 or older, according to the Census Bureau.

Man on the street reports from various news and entertainment programs underscore the fact that today’s youth are ill-informed and uninvolved in matters of citizenship. Why is this happening and what can parents do to change the tide?

Lack of citizenship is an American epidemic

Increasingly, we are not living up to our responsibilities as citizens.

  • Voting is one of our most important and visible responsibilities as citizens. Yet, fewer than 45% of registered voters and 35% of eligible voters usually vote.
  • Most Americans try to get out of jury duty.
  • Community service is often seen as a once or twice a year activity

Each nation faces economic, social, environmental, security, educational, legal, and health challenges. The solutions to these challenges are most effective when a great number of citizens are involved in making them. Too many good people do nothing. Edmond Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.”

What is citizenship?

President Kennedy challenged us, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” Unfortunately, since then, our view of citizenship has become skewed. We look more at our rights than our responsibilities. When individuals or special interest groups want something, they claim it is their right. And, we expect the government to take on what should be our responsibilities.

Most Americans see citizenship as voting, jury duty and occasional community service. Keeping democracy strong demands much more. We as citizens must be vigilant and involved. We must each make small sacrifices every day by doing simple, yet powerful citizen actions.

How can you teach your kids to be good citizens?

As I stated earlier, citizenship is more than voting. It’s being involved in your local community, your state and in the government processes. If you teach your children at an early age to be good citizens, they will carry those lessons on into adulthood.

Try these simple activities to teach them to be good citizens:

  • Teach them about this country’s heritage

Teach them about why and how we became a nation,about the basic principles and documents upon which the country was founded,about what it took to achieve today’s standard of living, about the mistakes we’ve made and, about the individuals and events that have played major roles in shaping the country.

Teaching our children about the country’s heritage is important because they know no other way of life. It took enormous courage, loss of life, pain, mistakes, hard work and risk to get here. Our children need to be made aware that they are going to be the custodians of this country and be taught how to do that well.

  • Teach them about the democratic process

If your children see that you’re involved in the process, you are setting a good example for them as they become adults. If you degrade the process and refuse to vote, you are teaching them that it doesn’t matter who is in charge or that you can make a difference in this democracy.

We make the “of the people” part happen by running for public office;  we make the “by the people” part happen by doing the things needed to elect our best to public office; and we make the “for the people” part happen by doing those things that keep us educated on important issues, that keep elected officials aware of our points of view, and that enforce our laws.  The democratic process is not a methodology, but a way of living that keeps our country strong.

  • Support groups that keep our country strong

Teaching your children to respect these groups that contribute to the strength of our democracy encourages them to be a good citizen. Law enforcement, firemen, elected officials, the military and even teachers are groups who are supported to keep the country strong. If you support these groups, your children will learn by your example.

  • Teach them to understand the government and how it works

This begins on the local level and goes up to the federal government. As citizens, it is critical that we understand what our governments are doing and how they are working so we can make sure they don’t take on more power and responsibilities than we gave them and that they carrying out the powers we did give them effectively.

  • Promote a sense of community

Our country is really a community of communities.  A sense of community and of belonging are something most of us need and want. In today’s mobile society, we have become detached to our communities. Neighbors rarely speak and communities rarely rally around one another unless there’s a crisis. Taking pride in your community and becoming involved in the community can be demonstrated by such simple acts as picking up trash, giving blood, start a neighborhood watch, volunteer at local organizations, and recycle.

  • Strengthen the family

It is often said, and usually true, that the whole is greater than the sum of the individual pieces.  In the case of a country, it is equally true that the stronger the families and individuals, the stronger the country.  Involve your children in activities that promote citizenship and community involvement. Encourage your family members to volunteer during the holidays, give to others, and pay it forward when possible.

Check out Wendy’s article , “Will your child be a good citizen?”

 

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: You might be a micro-manager if…

 

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micro-managerOne day your child is dependent on you for everything and the next day they are managing on their own. They don’t need you to dress them, or feed them, or tuck them in at night. They don’t need you to walk them to school any more or attend their birthday parties. It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you are the type of parent who can’t seem to let go and let them grow up.

Before they start the college prep process, it might be a good idea to take stock of just how much you try to micro-manage their lives and make some adjustments.

You might be a micro-manager if:

You press your teen to provide detailed information about their day

Let’s face it—teens volunteer little information about how their day went. If you’re lucky you might get a “fine” or an “ok”, but not much else; and that’s ok. They don’t need to tell you everything, just the important things. Instead of prodding, just try the listening approach. Odds are you will learn much more by listening than you will by constant prodding.

You argue with their teacher about grades

It’s perfectly acceptable to have a conference with your teen’s teacher about their academic progress. But if you find yourself taking it to the next level and arguing with them or questioning the grades, you could be crossing the line. And here’s a tip—you will be embarrassing your teen. Let them fight their own battles; it prepares them for college.

You text your teen repeatedly during school hours

Some parents abuse their texting privileges. They text to find out how their teen did on a test, how their day is going, and even use it to ask probing questions about their relationships. First of all, cellphones should be turned off during class (and for most schools during the day). Secondly, this is a bad habit that might not be seen as intrusive in high school but will once they head off to college.

You search you teen’s belongings just to be nosy

Unless there is good reason to pry (you perceive a drug problem or emotional issue), it’s never good to be a snoop. They do need some privacy and if they find out you are invading that privacy they just might start feeding your obsession. If you’ve raised them well and taught them right from wrong, let their private lives stay private.

AND the 5th clue that you might be a micro-manager…

You offer advice even when it’s not necessary

Sometimes teens just need to vent. They don’t need you to solve all their problems. Unless they ask for help, keep the advice to yourself. Remember that listening is your best tool and that you always learn more by letting them talk. They learn to become problem solvers and this moves them toward independence.

If you see yourself in this list, you might want to readjust your parenting. Your main goal is to train them toward independence. It’s much easier to do this before they go away to college. Once they know you trust them to make their own decisions and live independently, they will be much more likely to thrive when they are on their own.

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Inside the mind of a college-bound teen

 

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teen brainThe stress of the college admissions season weighs heavy on your college-bound teen. I read an old article today from a NY Times blog and I felt it was worth sharing to help you go inside the mind of a college-bound teen and see just exactly what they are feeling.

Fear

They may seem fearless at times, but as they approach the final months of high school fear sets in. One teen, Phoebe Lett, 16 talks about how she feels as a junior.

“I fear for my rapidly approaching senior year. Should I really spend nine hours a night on school work? As I rack up as many extracurriculars, community service hours and “beneficial relationships” (college-prep speak for impressive recommendations), I can’t help but think that it’s not good enough. Better grades, higher scores, more varsity letters, more leads in the play: have I been bulking up an application that perhaps doesn’t reflect who I am, but instead just represents what a college wants from me? That is my true fear.”

Pressure

The pressure they feel is of paramount proportions. This pressure will be exhibited in all kinds of emotions from tears, to anger, to denial to frustration. Robin Karlin, 17 felt the pressure of failing.

“Around the application deadline you’re studying for finals, and it’s your senior year. You already have a lot of classes and you have to write essays and you’re already stressed out thinking “what if they don’t want me?’’ And you worry what if you don’t get into any school at all? I’m not from a big city. We have pretty good schools, but I think in a bigger city with more people you have more perspective on where you stand in the nation. I’m not really sure how good I am.”

Rejection

If your student hasn’t experienced rejection, get ready. There’s a strong possibility some of the colleges they apply to won’t offer them admission. Sam Werner, 18, felt disappointment when the rejection letters started arriving.

“Everyone I had talked to, once they heard “perfect SAT,” they said, “You can get in anywhere.” That was the hardest part, having everyone tell me I would and then not getting in. It was a rough few days. The rejection letters and my parents both kept telling me it’s not a case of me not being good enough, but a case of too many qualified applicants. But it’s really hard not to feel like you got rejected….”

What is the cost?

At the end of their senior year it will all be over; but at what cost? Doctors treat teens with headaches, stomach pain, lack of sleep, depression, eating disorders and mental health issues. Some have been thinking about college since 6th grade and by the time senior year rolls around they are spent. Some kids are able to handle it, others are not so lucky.

Relieving some of the pressure

College admission is how students define their success. Years down the road, they will see that some of those rejections probably sent them into better directions. But for now, don’t add to the problem. Don’t pressure them to apply to schools that their chance of acceptance is 1%. Remind them that this is simply one step in their life and there are no failures, only successes if you try.

mom approved tips, Uncategorized

Mom-Approved Tips: Unsolicited Advice

 

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unsolicited adviceEllen Snortland, author and Huff Post blogger states it simply in an article about unsolicited advice:

What makes these mediocre meddlers, these know-nothing-nattering-nabobs of the obvious, these kings and queens of blah, blah, blah, think that anyone really wants or needs their cheap irksome advice? Do I have “Please give me your most recent lamebrained theory on what I should do” tattooed on my forehead?

You know who they are: parents who want to give you all kinds advice about which college your student should attend and what they need to do to go to Harvard. There’s nothing wrong with asking other parents who have been through the college process for help. If you’re a parent of a college-bound teen you’ve most likely encountered people like this. Everyone has a story and a complaint. Some are useful and valid; most are not. The key is asking–and trusting the advice you get.

Here’s a sample conversation between parents:

Parent 1: If you want your kid to be successful after graduation, they have to go to an Ivy League college.

Parent 2: I’ve heard the Ivies aren’t all that great.

Parent 3: Someone told me that it’s impossible to get into the Ivies if your student doesn’t have a perfect SAT score.

Parent 4: If you have a B student, their options are limited to state universities or community college.

If you analyze each of these parents’ advice, there is some truth in each of them. But without reputable advice they might lead their students in the wrong direction.

Should you listen to unsolicited advice?

I heard a college counselor talk about a popular college forum recently reminding parents that you can’t trust these anonymous comments. Parents have no way of checking the accuracy of the posts or the validity of the information on these sites. That’s not to say all of this advice is bad; but you should always verify the information with the experts. What’s good for one student, is not necessary the best path for yours. Be selective and investigative about all the advice you will most assuredly receive.

Is all college advice accurate?

No. Just like not everything you read on the internet is true. I love that insurance commercial that is driving the point that not everything you read online is true. Even if it’s posted in a college parent forum it might not be accurate. Sift through the useful information and throw out the babble. Before you take it as gospel, verify it with other sources.

Where can I get the best advice?

Common sense says you should look for advice from the experts. Who are these experts? These are college professionals and parent advocates whose advice and instruction have been endorsed by others in the field of college prep. Any advice devoid of these endorsements is advice you should take with the grain of salt.

It’s your responsibility as a parent college coach to sift through all of this unsolicited advice and verify the accuracy of all of it. Trust the experts who have been endorsed by other experts; if you do this the college admissions process will be more effective and less stressful.

 

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Out of Control Parents

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out of control parentsYou know you’ve experienced them: out of control parents. They show up at their kids sport events and yell at the coaches and the umpires. They show up in the education system bullying teachers, coaches, administrators and other parents. Their kids rarely have consequences and cannot fend for themselves in most instances. They have a strong sense of entitlement that is passed down to their kids. Nobody likes them AND nobody wants to be them.

In Early Admissions, a novel based on Lacy Crawford’s experience in college admissions office, the author relates a story:

There’s a father who rewrites his son’s Common Application essay after his son has been rejected early decision by his first-choice school. In the revision, the father argues — in the first person, ventriloquizing the boy — that communities benefit from a range of people, the superstars and the average alike, and that the student should be admitted to the other schools on his list not because he is stellar but because he is not. This happened. On the night in question, the father summoned me to proofread his new essay before ensuring that his son submitted it. It broke the boy’s heart, and it broke mine. (I did not oversee submission of that essay. I told the student how I felt, and left it in his hands to decide what to do.)

This is just an example of the many stories I have heard from admissions officers. The college world has labeled these parents: helicopter parents and other names like snowplow parents. College admissions officers all have stories to tell. If you were to hear them all, you wouldn’t believe them. Or would you? Do you sometimes think you fall into that parental demographic? I know I did and still do at times.

It’s not all bad

Unfortunately, a few bad apples spoil the bunch for the rest of us. Educators see parents coming and immediately they put their helicopter radar up. Can you blame them? We all have a little “rescuer” in us, after all. We start from the time they are born protecting them, caring for them, fighting battles for them, and most importantly, loving them. Just because they grow to be adults we don’t stop parenting. Most parents, get it. Sometimes, however, we rush in before our kids have the chance to be adults.

Drawing the line

Good parenting means involvement and participation in your kid’s lives, but when does it become more than that. Crawford asks some tough questions and points out some difficult truths:

Where do we draw the line? When does support become manipulation? When does tutoring stop helping a child, and start teaching him that on his own he’s not good enough? How can we come to realize that character — resilience, curiosity, dedication, a moral compass — is the prize here, and value that over the name on the diploma? Over time, I think, parents know this. But in the heat of senior fall, when everyone is feeling crazy, perspective can become clouded.

Clouded judgment causes parents to do unspeakable things. Competition among other parents can also cause parents to

What happens when parents are out of control?

When parents are out of control kids suffer. Not only are they embarrassed, but they are robbed of the chance to learn life skills and the thrill of doing something on their own. They don’t learn to self-advocate and they don’t get the experience of being independent.

The next time you feel like losing control and rescuing your kids, take a deep breath and think about the future. Will you be robbing them of the satisfaction of accomplishment? Will you be robbing them of learning that for every action there are consequences? Sometimes tough love is the best love of all.

Do you ever feel like an out of control parent? They say that admitting it is the first step to recovery. Here’s your chance (leave a comment)!

 

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Attitude Adjustments

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy (www.pocsmom.com) and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link in the article from www.pocsmom.com to  www.parentingforcollege.com/ and vice versa.

Today’s posts address the issue of attitude–a topic every parent faces and often becomes frustrated with. Read on to get our take on the topic.

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attitude adjustmentMy father used to tell me that he would give me an attitude adjustment. Trust me. I never wanted to hear those words. In the good old days (you might disagree) parents used more than words to give attitude adjustments. Today, parents still struggle with their kids’ attitudes. From the two-year old temper tantrums to the college student’s “whatever” those attitudes are dreaded by moms everywhere.

School creates so many opportunities for attitudes. Some might say it’s the stress that causes these over-the-top emotions. Others might say that it’s just their age and the stages they are going through. Personally I think it’s a little bit of both. No matter what the cause is, what do you do when your kid “cops an attitude”?

Take a deep breath and keep reading. Have you experienced any of these common attitude problems?

Student: Can I just do my homework later?

Parent: No. You can’t wait until later. Do it now!

Then the conversation progresses from there to “please”, “why”, and my personal favorite, “homework is stupid.” What’s a parent to do? You can take the hard line and say, “no means no.” You can use the reward approach, “finish it and you can play your video games”. Or you can be analytical and explain to them the importance of an education. My bet is that the first or second option will work best. Why? Because kids don’t think that far ahead.

Student: But Pete is doing it.

Parent: If Pete jumped off a bridge would you do it?

You might mean that but your student just doesn’t understand that analogy. Why would anyone jump off a bridge? Again you can use the hard line tactic and say, “I’m the parent and I said no.” Bribery won’t work in this instance. So your best bet is to explain to your student why you won’t let them do what they want to do—mother knows best, so to speak. If you’re lucky, they will succumb to your logical explanation. If not, refer back to the first response.

Student: Susie’s parents said it was ok.

Parent: Susie’s parents aren’t your parent; I am.

This is when you need to have a talk with Susie’s parents. Especially if it’s something that’s against the law like underage drinking or pot smoking (Don’t even ask how I drew this example). Knowing your student’s friends parents will afford you the opportunity to stick together. That’s if they see things the way you see them. If they don’t, you best encourage your student to find some new friends.

Student: You bought the wrong school supplies.

Parent: I bought the supplies that were on the list.

This happens even if you were with them when the supplies were purchased. This little comment will infuriate you and cause your blood to boil. They should be grateful you bought those school supplies. There are kids that don’t have parents who do this for them. What happened to being grateful that you even cared to buy the supplies? You see how you can follow this down the rabbit hole. How do you deal with this attitude? Do as one parent did and tell them to pay for their own supplies. Or you can just give them the attitude of gratitude speech.

Student: Why can’t you just give me some space?

Parent: I thought I was.

This attitude surfaces in the pre-teen years and intensifies as they head off to college. The more space they want, the more you want to hold them close. Space is one thing but total freedom is another. Hopefully you’ll be able to find the balance. If not, expect rolling eyes, slamming of doors, and angry texts to ensue.

Student: You’re embarrassing me.

Parent: When do I NOT embarrass you?

When my husband was in high school, his mother brushed off his dandruff in front of me at a grocery store. Of course he was mortified. His mother thought she was helping him. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Meaning–the things we think are helpful usually aren’t. And no matter what you do, you are always going to embarrass them. Before you have a terrible error in judgment, ask yourself, “What would the perfect parent do?” Of course, there is no perfect parent. But you know what embarrasses you; that should be a clue.

One last thought. You’re the parent. Sometimes you need to adjust your attitude and lighten up a bit. Not every attitude requires a response. Often you just need to brush it off to avoid an unnecessary confrontation.

Know this: attitudes are inevitable. No matter what you do, what you say, and how you act they are going to find something wrong with it. It’s not your fault. They are just spreading their wings and pushing the limits of your authority. The key is to not get into shouting matches with them and consider the source. It also helps to vent (to other parents and friends), instead of taking your frustration out on your kids. The school years are as hard as or harder than the first five years, even if you factor in potty training. But, as any parent will agree, it is rewarding. You just have to keep telling yourself, “This too shall pass!”

Read on for Wendy’s advice in her usual POCSMom manner!